nevergoodenough91
Really trying to discover what is going on
- Jun 20, 2023
- 94
I dont want to explain very much because this is really complicated but i am getting better
Everything that began in the end of may is because i thought i was enmeshed in my family and I am but its a different thing
So i stopped listenting and reacting to people and stuff emotionally and taking it all in in a specific way i cant exactly describe and it changed things
but i ended up silencing and destroying a crucial part of myself that was my autism, my way of seeing the world, so i can interact with other people better and not feel ashamed of myself anymore for the way i saw the world
I thought it was the real way but it was not, I thought all along maybe i was normal and i was abused so it caused me to interact in that way but no
I made a massive mistake and what remained as a result was just this thing that kept eating me and hating on me more and more and shaming who i was until i was a shadow of who i was, And i believe this is the super ego like my dads voice internalized in me. I could not figure out the source of it until now I know
I can see it totally now
But I made some strange discoveries and a LOT of mistakes while i was on whatever the fuck i have been doing since that time, Ive made a lot of mistakes and mislabeled and not understood things correctly in myself but it is a good step because theres feelings i felt that i have not felt in 9 years, and ways of being
so i know inside whatever this is i can keep going and identify properly what is going on and what i found after I get my old self back I just have to reverse the process that i did in the end of may
I know this is disorganized and bad grammer and shit but fuck it
I found things that I think is like really interesting that like nobody has found before and i have not seen other people talk about in thier appoach of feeling things in thier life and not feeling dead inside and feeling happy normal and real and thier actual emotions its like insane. i want to describe it but its extremely hard to explain but i think i can do it
I will write it here sometime to see if it helps someone
**edit I want to give some of it because i think it can help someone
There is maybe many layers of intellectualization that block you from it, many layers of fear that block you from it
No thoughts no more progression no more discovery no more intellectualization no more seeking no more anything can get you closer to the state you wish to be in from a long time ago
The only thing that can do it is spontaneus living in your current feelings now, without any idealization or a single hint of what you "should do"
and that has no way into it besides surrender and letting go of the fear of what might happen
Dont worry about doing dont do a single thing
just feel what you do right now, not as an action but as in thats you thats your current position
Dont act or act (its not like a practice), just do what you feel completley right now and let it all flow out no matter how much your mind screams at you to stop and do the right thing, the better thing, NOOO THE FUTURE NOOO, WHAT ABOUT THIS AND THAT?!!
Let it all go!!!
Let go of the devaluation of the actions that arent just according to taking care of yourself and caring for yourself based on your spontaneus authentic emotions! I had this belief
**think of yourself as the animal that you are!! not the image of what a human is in 2024 in society!!!
If you want to use the bathroom do it! If you want to eat an apple do it! WASTE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!! live as if you have infinite time!! live as if the ocean of things to do have all the time in the world to be discovered and each have your own detailed emotional reactions and expressions to them!!! you have that because that is all there is! running and running over this never lets you live! its ironic because you think you can save your time by running to the greatest experience ever, and then youll allow yourself to let it all out, but you cannot! because the idealized thing and experience is actually created by the authentic emotions that are before that that make it like WOW this is amazing. but even then I cant even explain how that works. How are children so entertained by almost nothing? its because of this!!!! they dont idealize, they live in thier authentic, spontaneus emotional experience and they let that guide them. that makes a narrative, a story, meaning!! wow its crazy. its insanely simple but soooo hard to understand if you are not percieving it, but instead keep using your mind to intellectually search for something that cant be found there. You can observe it through exploring though, thats how i got here
The greatest lie IS the idealizations!
the next time you have a big emotional release or event or you cry or you are scared or angry, notice that and be with yourself and just live according to that
**(maybe it will remind you of the simple meaning)
the biggest problem is when these layer of intellectualization i guess i can name it are on top of this and the meaning that is so simple gets obscured and then other things end up happening besides what is authentic
its almost like a strange deal in a way where its like you can either have everything or what is meant for you, but everything wont satisfy you because its not authentic
but what is meant for you is what is authentic to you and how you naturally are and express
is this what the devil is in christianity? i dont know but maybe this is what they were trying to say
Everything that began in the end of may is because i thought i was enmeshed in my family and I am but its a different thing
So i stopped listenting and reacting to people and stuff emotionally and taking it all in in a specific way i cant exactly describe and it changed things
but i ended up silencing and destroying a crucial part of myself that was my autism, my way of seeing the world, so i can interact with other people better and not feel ashamed of myself anymore for the way i saw the world
I thought it was the real way but it was not, I thought all along maybe i was normal and i was abused so it caused me to interact in that way but no
I made a massive mistake and what remained as a result was just this thing that kept eating me and hating on me more and more and shaming who i was until i was a shadow of who i was, And i believe this is the super ego like my dads voice internalized in me. I could not figure out the source of it until now I know
I can see it totally now
But I made some strange discoveries and a LOT of mistakes while i was on whatever the fuck i have been doing since that time, Ive made a lot of mistakes and mislabeled and not understood things correctly in myself but it is a good step because theres feelings i felt that i have not felt in 9 years, and ways of being
so i know inside whatever this is i can keep going and identify properly what is going on and what i found after I get my old self back I just have to reverse the process that i did in the end of may
I know this is disorganized and bad grammer and shit but fuck it
I found things that I think is like really interesting that like nobody has found before and i have not seen other people talk about in thier appoach of feeling things in thier life and not feeling dead inside and feeling happy normal and real and thier actual emotions its like insane. i want to describe it but its extremely hard to explain but i think i can do it
I will write it here sometime to see if it helps someone
**edit I want to give some of it because i think it can help someone
There is maybe many layers of intellectualization that block you from it, many layers of fear that block you from it
No thoughts no more progression no more discovery no more intellectualization no more seeking no more anything can get you closer to the state you wish to be in from a long time ago
The only thing that can do it is spontaneus living in your current feelings now, without any idealization or a single hint of what you "should do"
and that has no way into it besides surrender and letting go of the fear of what might happen
Dont worry about doing dont do a single thing
just feel what you do right now, not as an action but as in thats you thats your current position
Dont act or act (its not like a practice), just do what you feel completley right now and let it all flow out no matter how much your mind screams at you to stop and do the right thing, the better thing, NOOO THE FUTURE NOOO, WHAT ABOUT THIS AND THAT?!!
Let it all go!!!
Let go of the devaluation of the actions that arent just according to taking care of yourself and caring for yourself based on your spontaneus authentic emotions! I had this belief
**think of yourself as the animal that you are!! not the image of what a human is in 2024 in society!!!
If you want to use the bathroom do it! If you want to eat an apple do it! WASTE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!! live as if you have infinite time!! live as if the ocean of things to do have all the time in the world to be discovered and each have your own detailed emotional reactions and expressions to them!!! you have that because that is all there is! running and running over this never lets you live! its ironic because you think you can save your time by running to the greatest experience ever, and then youll allow yourself to let it all out, but you cannot! because the idealized thing and experience is actually created by the authentic emotions that are before that that make it like WOW this is amazing. but even then I cant even explain how that works. How are children so entertained by almost nothing? its because of this!!!! they dont idealize, they live in thier authentic, spontaneus emotional experience and they let that guide them. that makes a narrative, a story, meaning!! wow its crazy. its insanely simple but soooo hard to understand if you are not percieving it, but instead keep using your mind to intellectually search for something that cant be found there. You can observe it through exploring though, thats how i got here
The greatest lie IS the idealizations!
the next time you have a big emotional release or event or you cry or you are scared or angry, notice that and be with yourself and just live according to that
**(maybe it will remind you of the simple meaning)
the biggest problem is when these layer of intellectualization i guess i can name it are on top of this and the meaning that is so simple gets obscured and then other things end up happening besides what is authentic
its almost like a strange deal in a way where its like you can either have everything or what is meant for you, but everything wont satisfy you because its not authentic
but what is meant for you is what is authentic to you and how you naturally are and express
is this what the devil is in christianity? i dont know but maybe this is what they were trying to say
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