A
attheend13
Member
- Oct 1, 2023
- 23
I get the impression that this is not the right way to post but I've been here for awhile and no matter how I format a post I can see it's nothing new. I can't get through the next 10 minutes so I'm going to write and if it's deleted it's ok it's toxic anyway.
Toxic is kind of my brand. I'm completely worthless. I have failed myself and my kids and I'm so selfish I got into another relationship so I guess I'll ruin that now too. When I was a kid my mom used to write me these long letters in red ink while I was at school detailing what an embarrassment I am and what a burden I've been.
On my 14th birthday my dad who is in record as hating me picked me up from the home I was living in with foster parents and took me on a tour of his life. He told me I was a thorn in his side, a pain in the ass and again an embarrassment. I did years in a hospital and I listened to all the BS.
I guess I wanted to believe it was them and not me. But inside I knew. What's the common denominator? So it is me. So being a selfish disgusting pig, I had children. I'm failing them and if I CTB I may do to them what happened to me. Set up their lives to feel unworthy. My father and my mother say they wish I was never born. And they both have said I should ctb. So why am I here? I've tried and failed at that too. Now I live in the 30th floor, top floor of this building.
Sometimes I stand at the rail and look down really force myself to picture the fall. Less than a minute and I'm a stain on the pavement. But what about my girls? Even ending this farce, this joke that is a life would be an act of selfishness. No matter what I do now because it isn't what I do or don't do. It's me.
There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm not looking for comfort you can't possibly know what a piece of human garbage I am, but I am frozen in place. There are no more options and ctb will mean leaving as the ultimate villain. I can't do that to my daughters. I'm trying now just going to dangerous places, and praying/ putting out to the universe to spare someone else and take me. Don't make me have to do it and hurt people. The sky is silent though.
Toxic is kind of my brand. I'm completely worthless. I have failed myself and my kids and I'm so selfish I got into another relationship so I guess I'll ruin that now too. When I was a kid my mom used to write me these long letters in red ink while I was at school detailing what an embarrassment I am and what a burden I've been.
On my 14th birthday my dad who is in record as hating me picked me up from the home I was living in with foster parents and took me on a tour of his life. He told me I was a thorn in his side, a pain in the ass and again an embarrassment. I did years in a hospital and I listened to all the BS.
I guess I wanted to believe it was them and not me. But inside I knew. What's the common denominator? So it is me. So being a selfish disgusting pig, I had children. I'm failing them and if I CTB I may do to them what happened to me. Set up their lives to feel unworthy. My father and my mother say they wish I was never born. And they both have said I should ctb. So why am I here? I've tried and failed at that too. Now I live in the 30th floor, top floor of this building.
Sometimes I stand at the rail and look down really force myself to picture the fall. Less than a minute and I'm a stain on the pavement. But what about my girls? Even ending this farce, this joke that is a life would be an act of selfishness. No matter what I do now because it isn't what I do or don't do. It's me.
There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm not looking for comfort you can't possibly know what a piece of human garbage I am, but I am frozen in place. There are no more options and ctb will mean leaving as the ultimate villain. I can't do that to my daughters. I'm trying now just going to dangerous places, and praying/ putting out to the universe to spare someone else and take me. Don't make me have to do it and hurt people. The sky is silent though.
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