Discussion there's only so much preparation before you just...do it?

[specklenought]

does anyone else feel like they're on a moving conveyor belt when it comes to their CTB plans? It's like I'm perpetually moving toward an attempt because it too hard to deescalate?

I've always had plans, its always been a coping mechanism for pain since i was a child and as a teen I'd be on usernet CTB forums hyper focusing on how to obtain cyanide. It was never practical, just planning as a means to cope. Like i should swallow this amount of panadol or whatever. gestures sort of stuff.

but as things have gotten worse this my idealization/planning has escalated to a point of no return, I feel like I'm caught between wanting to die and seeking support (which I did, but then as u know my therapist went on indefinite leave). It's kinda like the deeper you get with these sorts of plans, the harder it is to loosen your grip on them. I can't erase this knowledge of nitrogen regulators, or SN suppliers, or top notch spots to jump, etc

You know, there's only so much preparation you can do before you actually just...do it? And like even if you woke up tomorrow and no longer wanted to CTB how long would it take for those thoughts to come back in? How easy would it be to jump back to where you are right now just because you know so much about how to do it. I think this information, regardless of whether we choose to stay or go will always be with us.

How long have you been concretely researching? when did you start? has it been intermittent?

 

[Futile]

Plans are useless, but planning is indispensable

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

 

[Kramer]

It's going to be jarring when the planning stage becomes the action stage.

 

[specklenought]

It's going to be jarring when the planning stage becomes the action stage.

I think that's what freaks me out! I mean, like, for a while I was caught between trying to recover and dying. I was talking to my therapist about it because I didn't know whether to take myself seriously. Like am I doing this for attention? How far into planning does a gesture become an attempt? If I stop myself just before was I just faking it all along? What if a purchase things? What if I'm just waiting for the final pieces to arrive? What if I'm holding off from getting that last little thing because if I do then I can hold onto the scrap of myself that wants to stay alive!! truly yikes!

- Dwight D. Eisenhower

yeah i feel like sometimes the overplanning on here (at least my own experience of it for me) is something of a defense mechanism, like almost a survival tactic. You wanna make sure it works ~for real~ but also you keep delaying it because of your anxiety about getting it wrong keeps you here. You need to plan so you don't do it on a whim, but how much of us plan so that when our emotions are high we can just kick it all into gear because we already planned it.

 

[Meditation guide]

I've been such a survivor and now I find myself in a place where that is the opposite of what I need to do.
How do I change over to killing myself after all that?

 

[specklenought]

I've been such a survivor and now I find myself in a place where that is the opposite of what I need to do.
How do I change over to killing myself after all that?

While I cant ever truly understand what you've been through. What you've said really resonates with me. I used to say this a lot but I've kept myself safe for so long, me being alive right now is a testament to that . So much of my life has been about maintaining safety when others couldn't or in some cases actively harmed me. It's exhausting having to keep yourself alive. It feels bizzare to distrust yourself, to do the opposite of what you have done your entire life.

 

[wordsonscreen]

While I cant ever truly understand what you've been through. What you've said really resonates with me. I used to say this a lot but I've kept myself safe for so long, me being alive right now is a testament to that . So much of my life has been about maintaining safety when others couldn't or in some cases actively harmed me. It's exhausting having to keep yourself alive. It feels bizzare to distrust yourself, to do the opposite of what you have done your entire life.

A few months late to this thread but everything you said resonates with me. This whole process is the opposite of what we have been taught to do. Its surreal...

does anyone else feel like they're on a moving conveyor belt when it comes to their CTB plans? It's like I'm perpetually moving toward an attempt because it too hard to deescalate?

I've always had plans, its always been a coping mechanism for pain since i was a child and as a teen I'd be on usernet CTB forums hyper focusing on how to obtain cyanide. It was never practical, just planning as a means to cope. Like i should swallow this amount of panadol or whatever. gestures sort of stuff.

but as things have gotten worse this my idealization/planning has escalated to a point of no return, I feel like I'm caught between wanting to die and seeking support (which I did, but then as u know my therapist went on indefinite leave). It's kinda like the deeper you get with these sorts of plans, the harder it is to loosen your grip on them. I can't erase this knowledge of nitrogen regulators, or SN suppliers, or top notch spots to jump, etc

You know, there's only so much preparation you can do before you actually just...do it? And like even if you woke up tomorrow and no longer wanted to CTB how long would it take for those thoughts to come back in? How easy would it be to jump back to where you are right now just because you know so much about how to do it. I think this information, regardless of whether we choose to stay or go will always be with us.

How long have you been concretely researching? when did you start? has it been intermittent?

The planning just seamlessly blended into DOING for me after some (more) traumatic events. I'm not sure I can stop this now. I just know too much haha :p not only in terms of ctb but also about the unjust world we live in and the oppression I experience day to day socially and in my own body now. I cannot erase what I know. I have been researching since I was like 8. I knew specifics by the time I was 12. I had a concrete plan by the time I was 17. Its been a long time coming.

 

[TooMuchToBear]

A few months late to this thread but everything you said resonates with me. This whole process is the opposite of what we have been taught to do. Its surreal...

The planning just seamlessly blended into DOING for me after some (more) traumatic events. I'm not sure I can stop this now. I just know too much haha :p not only in terms of ctb but also about the unjust world we live in and the oppression I experience day to day socially and in my own body now. I cannot erase what I know. I have been researching since I was like 8. I knew specifics by the time I was 12. I had a concrete plan by the time I was 17. Its been a long time coming.

How old are you sunbug?

 

[wordsonscreen]

How old are you sunbug?

Rather not say, I hope you understand <3 I worry about people identifying me with how I speak and such and some other specifics I've shared on here. But if you're wondering if I'm 17, no haha :)