I'm just using this to vent cuz I dont have anyone else to talk to
ive been struggling for the past 6 years, im pretty sure I have ADHD, anxiety and depression which makes it really hard for me to focus on my studies cuz over the years ive developed a really shitty habit of maladaptive daydreaming, scrolling on social med or reading, its been like this since young cuz i have abusive parents and it was my only escape from reality but it has gotten so bad that I dont even remember much of my life because I spend more time in my head or imagination than in reality.
thankfully i used to be pretty smart as a kid, I did well in sch without having to study much, did my first national exam and got into a pretty good school but it meant that I never learnt how to actually properly study and now that Im taking the most important national exam of my life I have literally no idea what to do. i honestly feel really hopeless because if i do badly for this examination my life is ruined. Ive seen alot of people say 'oh its not the end of the world there are so many other options out there'. I would be inclined to agree if my financial situation didnt disagree. there are foreign/private universities that would accept me even with my bad grades but my parents dont have the financial capability to fund me and theres no way i can earn enough money to fund myself given the few job prospects. I have considered taking a bank loan but the bank loan cant cover the complete cost and the even then the idea of paying off student debt for the foreseeable future sounds horrifying.
if I want to have a future my only hope is doing well for this exam. some people have said that if i do badly i can still retake but I dont think i can handle the stress of retaking it to be honest spending another 2 years on this sounds like absolute hell.
the only thing getting my through this is the fact that if i fail then i can just end everything. but sometimes i think about just ending everything now so i wouldnt have to suffer for the next few months just for it to be for nothing. the worst part about everything is that im not good at anything besides studying, i have hobbies but they are all mediocre, I dont have much involvement in anything beyond studying. Ive started projects but given up halfway through just because I couldnt cope with the stress + the fear of failure. the irony is that ive spent so much of my life being a failure i dont know why im even scared anymore.
I know its not normal to have such thoughts and I genuinely want to get better but when I tried to seek professional help it didnt turn out well. i tried many years ago when i first decided that i was a waste of space, i remember when my school counsellor saw my sh cuts, I was dumb at the time I thought she would help me process my feelings but instead she called the school and my parents which did not end well, the amount of emotional blackmail and gaslighting i got from my mother was insane and for the next few years she wouldnt bring it up. until last year when I couldnt take it anymore, i knew that i needed to seek help and i asked my mother if I could cuz its not possible for me to do so without her knowing but she just started yelling at me at how i should just kill myself if i wanted to die, and that i was an ungrateful failure that she had wasted so much money and effort on, then she proceeded to threaten that if i sought professional help, she would remove me from school because I was bound to fail anyways. I stopped telling her anything much after that. I did bringing it up again at the beginning of this year but the same thing happened again.
I have considered just seeking help without her approval but then again Mental health is something that is heavily stigmatised in my country and the professional services are all terrible. If i told anyone that i have a plan to ctb, i would be getting a one way ticket to an institution.
overall i honestly dont know why Im still living on this earth anymore and the only reason i havent ctb yet is the fear that my chosen method would fail
ive been struggling for the past 6 years, im pretty sure I have ADHD, anxiety and depression which makes it really hard for me to focus on my studies cuz over the years ive developed a really shitty habit of maladaptive daydreaming, scrolling on social med or reading, its been like this since young cuz i have abusive parents and it was my only escape from reality but it has gotten so bad that I dont even remember much of my life because I spend more time in my head or imagination than in reality.
thankfully i used to be pretty smart as a kid, I did well in sch without having to study much, did my first national exam and got into a pretty good school but it meant that I never learnt how to actually properly study and now that Im taking the most important national exam of my life I have literally no idea what to do. i honestly feel really hopeless because if i do badly for this examination my life is ruined. Ive seen alot of people say 'oh its not the end of the world there are so many other options out there'. I would be inclined to agree if my financial situation didnt disagree. there are foreign/private universities that would accept me even with my bad grades but my parents dont have the financial capability to fund me and theres no way i can earn enough money to fund myself given the few job prospects. I have considered taking a bank loan but the bank loan cant cover the complete cost and the even then the idea of paying off student debt for the foreseeable future sounds horrifying.
if I want to have a future my only hope is doing well for this exam. some people have said that if i do badly i can still retake but I dont think i can handle the stress of retaking it to be honest spending another 2 years on this sounds like absolute hell.
the only thing getting my through this is the fact that if i fail then i can just end everything. but sometimes i think about just ending everything now so i wouldnt have to suffer for the next few months just for it to be for nothing. the worst part about everything is that im not good at anything besides studying, i have hobbies but they are all mediocre, I dont have much involvement in anything beyond studying. Ive started projects but given up halfway through just because I couldnt cope with the stress + the fear of failure. the irony is that ive spent so much of my life being a failure i dont know why im even scared anymore.
I know its not normal to have such thoughts and I genuinely want to get better but when I tried to seek professional help it didnt turn out well. i tried many years ago when i first decided that i was a waste of space, i remember when my school counsellor saw my sh cuts, I was dumb at the time I thought she would help me process my feelings but instead she called the school and my parents which did not end well, the amount of emotional blackmail and gaslighting i got from my mother was insane and for the next few years she wouldnt bring it up. until last year when I couldnt take it anymore, i knew that i needed to seek help and i asked my mother if I could cuz its not possible for me to do so without her knowing but she just started yelling at me at how i should just kill myself if i wanted to die, and that i was an ungrateful failure that she had wasted so much money and effort on, then she proceeded to threaten that if i sought professional help, she would remove me from school because I was bound to fail anyways. I stopped telling her anything much after that. I did bringing it up again at the beginning of this year but the same thing happened again.
I have considered just seeking help without her approval but then again Mental health is something that is heavily stigmatised in my country and the professional services are all terrible. If i told anyone that i have a plan to ctb, i would be getting a one way ticket to an institution.
overall i honestly dont know why Im still living on this earth anymore and the only reason i havent ctb yet is the fear that my chosen method would fail
