There's no coming back from a traumatic childhood

[Beyond_Repair]

This may be an unpopular opinion, but a personal one that I have arrived at after years of personal experience and time working in the mental health field

There is a natural inclination to instill hope in survivors of childhood adverse experiences, and no doubt there are people do come out the other side and can appear to live fulfilling and productive lives. (What other choice do practitioners/social workers/therapists have if their job is to help and instill hope?) Despite this, I have come to the conclusion that adverse childhood experiences have such a profound impact in the formation of the individual's sense of self and one's perception of the world and their relationship to it, that any possible improvements are negligible (perhaps even self-delusion as a coping mechanism), and at the risk of coming across as nihilistic I genuinely believe that the long-term psychological damage and sense of self has been solidified in such a way that it's very unlikely it can be changed, and attempts to do so are ultimately futile (perhaps not regarded as such thanks to the placebo effect and human's natural inclination to survive).

Sorry if this is coming across as gibberish, I am fortunate to be in a state of disinhibition at the moment thanks to xanax. I feel that this forum is the only place I can express these feelings that I have been mulling over for longer than I care to admit

I'd love to hear any counter arguments or thoughts on this topic. Has anyone ever felt similarly?

 

[BlazingBob]

I wrote a similar post awhile back. You'll get no argument from me. Maybe some people might turn out ok but unfortunately I'm not one of them despite decades of trying and doing all the things the 'experts' tell me to. I'm 51 and worse now than ever. I'm quite convinced my horrific upbringing has a lot to do with the chronic illnesses I'm battling. I have two older brothers who are also royally screwed up and miserable. Thank you your post. It's actually quite validating.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I wrote a similar post awhile back. You'll get no argument from me. Maybe some people might turn out ok but unfortunately I'm not one of them despite decades of trying and doing all the things the 'experts' tell me to. I'm 51 and worse now than ever. I'm quite convinced my horrific upbringing has a lot to do with the chronic illnesses I'm battling. I have two older brothers who are also royally screwed up and miserable. Thank you your post. It's actually quite validating.

I'm happy to have provided some validation. It's comforting to know that there are others that feel this way, makes me feel like less of an inhuman monster.

I'm sorry about your upbringing - nobody deserves that and it's unfortunate that people dismiss the devastating impact that adverse childhood experiences can have on a person's life. And so often these people (myself included) are dismissed and told that it's our responsibility to take ownership of our lives, that we cannot continue to blame our parents (it's 'childish'). We didn't ask for the treatment we endured, why is it our responsibility to deal with the consequences? And all the while parents are seen as the victims in all of this, after all parents are often hailed as selfless martyrs by the general public. The unfairness is something that I just cannot accept. Hopefully general opinion will change with time

Any time I hear of a person who is struggling with debilitating disease (not unavoidable things like cancer for instance, but mental illness, substance use disorders, and things like chronic pain and IBS, which are suspected to be the result of chronic stress) I always suspect the parents, and how the role of intergenerational trauma plays into it. Unfortunately it's not a a generally accepted opinion and engenders hostility when this is brought up.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your perspective and listening to my rant, lol

 

[Agon321]

I don't think this is a controversial opinion.
It's hard to escape the past.

For example, if someone grows up in a dysfunctional family, it will follow that person for the rest of their life.

Our childhood is crucial to our future.
If someone was unlucky, they are unfortunately in a bad situation.
We can work through traumas, but we will always have our problems in the back of our minds.
Such people also treat toxic behavior as appropriate and normal. This is how they have been taught by life and they think this is how it has to be.

It's the same with depression.
It is not always possible to completely overcome and cure it.
A depressive episode may return after several years.

If we don't work on ourselves, we transfer our problems to another person.
It is a never-ending cycle.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I don't think this is a controversial opinion.
It's hard to escape the past.

For example, if someone grows up in a dysfunctional family, it will follow that person for the rest of their life.

Our childhood is crucial to our future.
If someone was unlucky, they are unfortunately in a bad situation.
We can work through traumas, but we will always have our problems in the back of our minds.
Such people also treat toxic behavior as appropriate and normal. This is how they have been taught by life and they think this is how it has to be.

It's the same with depression.
It is not always possible to completely overcome and cure it.
A depressive episode may return after several years.

If we don't work on ourselves, we transfer our problems to another person.
It is a never-ending cycle.

Agreed. It's my personal belief that our past is so ingrained in who we are that escaping it seems like an exercise in futility.

I have seen clients go through the same self-destructive cycles over and over, despite countless therapy, medications, self-help books etc.. It's disheartening and the mental health system is unfortunately incredibly flawed - pat of the reason I decided to leave, in addition to my own personal convictions and beliefs that don't align with contemporary psychological thought. So many misguided (if not well-meaning) practitioners focus on diagnosing and medication, without identifying underlying subconscious and childhood causes for issues. And so often believing family members that insist that there is something inherently wrong with their loved ones without doing any self-reflection or taking responsibility for their potential role in it.

It's disenchanting, to say the least

People who do not consider for one second their own potential role in things are the ones who scare me the most

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I definitely feel this. Our formative years are just that- forming us into who we will become. I feel certain that trauma picked up then sets us at a massive disadvantage.

I guess I see childhood like a dream state almost. We get no choice but to participate but we don't have the cognitive ability to annalyse what's happening to us and why. If we get exposed to neglect, narcissists, predators etc- we don't see them for what they are. We don't know the definitions and labels at that point. So, I expect we just internalise a whole lot of crap. Plus- that young, they are probably our senior care givers and family- so- we wouldn't question them. Plus- that young, we don't have the power to stand up for ourselves or free ourselves.

So yeah- it may not be the case that a whole life is ruined but that person is surely already at a disadvantage. They'll probably find it hard to trust or feel entirely safe. Their confidence and self worth has probably already been through the wringer a few times. Plus, they'll carry those unpleasant memories and feelings the rest of their lives.

What's weirder is- we also tend to be attracted to what's familar, so people from abusive backgrounds often seem to continue the pattern and end up with abusive partners.

It's no surprise to me that for a lot of people here, their problems- even ideation started in childhood.

 

[murmur]

Got 6 years of intensive therapy as a teen, 3 times a day every other day, emdr, meds, too much. A few pivotal experiences in childhood planted unideal ideas, to this day I can't shake those ideas, no amount of reasoning from myself or others can unroot them. If I didnt think and prepare the way I did as a child, I would have never survived the times forward, facing the same abuses over and over, but obviously It's not great that this is the only path I know so well, a sense of worth in the negatives, dissociating and discounting when others have horribly hurt me. At least I can recognize that it's neurotic when im hating myself. Still, even when I know an abstract concept such as a "sense of worth" shouldn't be taken at all seriously, I can't help but feel like a burden, it's maddening to not be able to turn it off.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

Yes, I definitely feel this. Our formative years are just that- forming us into who we will become. I feel certain that trauma picked up then sets us at a massive disadvantage.

I guess I see childhood like a dream state almost. We get no choice but to participate but we don't have the cognitive ability to annalyse what's happening to us and why. If we get exposed to neglect, narcissists, predators etc- we don't see them for what they are. We don't know the definitions and labels at that point. So, I expect we just internalise a whole lot of crap. Plus- that young, they are probably our senior care givers and family- so- we wouldn't question them. Plus- that young, we don't have the power to stand up for ourselves or free ourselves.

So yeah- it may not be the case that a whole life is ruined but that person is surely already at a disadvantage. They'll probably find it hard to trust or feel entirely safe. Their confidence and self worth has probably already been through the wringer a few times. Plus, they'll carry those unpleasant memories and feelings the rest of their lives.

What's weirder is- we also tend to be attracted to what's familar, so people from abusive backgrounds often seem to continue the pattern and end up with abusive partners.

It's no surprise to me that for a lot of people here, their problems- even ideation started in childhood.

Thank you for your well-thought out response. It's very validating and insightful

It took me years to identify my treatment as a child as neglect and emotional/psychological abuse, and even longer to accept that it wasn't my fault for not fully recognizing it and doing something about it - abusers are masters at gaslighting and deflecting blame and getting everyone on their side. To describe it as unsettling is an understatement. The ability for children to internalize blame (they are the almightly gods who can do no wrong, therefore the problem must lie with me) is what gives narcissistic and abusive parents so much power. And they revel in it.

I've also had the experience of being inexplicably attracted to friends and partners with similar traits and allowed myself to be treated like less than dirt - which I am still dealing with the shame and self-hatred for allowing myself to put up with this. But that's part of it - the tendency to blame yourself which is a vicious cycle because that's what narcissists and abusers identify and feed off. It's like they have a sixth sense for vulnerable people - even people who do their best to disguise their vulnerabilities as much as possible.

Once I realized this pattern it was almost impossible not to notice this pattern in so many people and relationships I am privy to - it's like your whole world is on shaky ground, and I understand the lack of trust that results from this. Slowly coming to the realization that this is more common than most think, is one of the biggest reasons I plan to CTB. I just can't contend with it.

 

[rozeske]

I don't think that an unpopular opinion but more of a hard truth. Never say never but if you had a traumatic upbringing, you are pretty much fucked from the start and those offsprings you bring as well (ok maybe this one is an unpopular opinion)

 

[cowboypants]

This may be an unpopular opinion, but a personal one that I have arrived at after years of personal experience and time working in the mental health field

There is a natural inclination to instill hope in survivors of childhood adverse experiences, and no doubt there are people do come out the other side and can appear to live fulfilling and productive lives. (What other choice do practitioners/social workers/therapists have if their job is to help and instill hope?) Despite this, I have come to the conclusion that adverse childhood experiences have such a profound impact in the formation of the individual's sense of self and one's perception of the world and their relationship to it, that any possible improvements are negligible (perhaps even self-delusion as a coping mechanism), and at the risk of coming across as nihilistic I genuinely believe that the long-term psychological damage and sense of self has been solidified in such a way that it's very unlikely it can be changed, and attempts to do so are ultimately futile (perhaps not regarded as such thanks to the placebo effect and human's natural inclination to survive).

Sorry if this is coming across as gibberish, I am fortunate to be in a state of disinhibition at the moment thanks to xanax. I feel that this forum is the only place I can express these feelings that I have been mulling over for longer than I care to admit

I'd love to hear any counter arguments or thoughts on this topic. Has anyone ever felt similarly?

I agree with your sentiments. I have tried again and again over the years. But life seems to be meaningless for me. All the foil and toil is nothing to me. I can't live a normal life. I can't relate to normal / regular people. I am isolated.

Susu always was a backup last option as long i remember in my childhood. It was like a quick exit button. I didn't attempt but it was there in my mind

 

[Catch-22]

I agree with what you said.. I had so much physical and mental trauma that I cannot ever escape.. but in my case I literally cannot escape it considering I'm disabled and have to live with one of the people that caused me severe trauma. I still have to live with my mother because of being disabled so I'm living with a daily reminder of mental and physical neglect.

She has not changed her behavior over the years towards me actually it's gotten much worse. I want to leave this world because of being mentally and physically sick since birth however I cannot say that she is not one of the reasons why I want to leave. It's the only way I can escape her. I've never once got an apology from her in any form.. not I wish that I didn't do that to I or maybe I could have done something different or better. I waited decades for an apology that was never going to come. Some people just do not have the mental capacity to have empathy

My whole family made me feel like trash since the day I was born. The constant ridicule had a severe effect on my immune system. I think there's actually been studies about people that talk to their plants and somehow they seem to flourish opposed to wilting and dying. Before I was even a teenager I was already wilting and dying.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I don't think that an unpopular opinion but more of a hard truth. Never say never but if you had a traumatic upbringing, you are pretty much fucked from the start and those offsprings you bring as well (ok maybe this one is an unpopular opinion)

Yeah people can be very defensive about their right to procreate. It's a natural desire to resolve the trauma's you've endured through raising your own children, but many people I know with this intention have not undergone any type of therapy or self-reflection to my knowledge and will likely pass these same traumas to their children anyway, despite their best intentions. Definitely not a popular opinion though, I agree

I agree with your sentiments. I have tried again and again over the years. But life seems to be meaningless for me. All the foil and toil is nothing to me. I can't live a normal life. I can't relate to normal / regular people. I am isolated.

Susu always was a backup last option as long i remember in my childhood. It was like a quick exit button. I didn't attempt but it was there in my mind

I feel you, I have made several attempts at self-improvment, and while it did help get me through some difficult times it has ultimately not made any change in my general attitude towards myself and life.

I developed a kind of denial-induced overly-positive and optimistic demeanor in my childhood which prevented me from considering suicide, but once I started to realize the extent of the dysfunction in my childhood, suicide became a serious option.

Thanks for sharing your experience

I agree with what you said.. I had so much physical and mental trauma that I cannot ever escape.. but in my case I literally cannot escape it considering I'm disabled and have to live with one of the people that caused me severe trauma. I still have to live with my mother because of being disabled so I'm living with a daily reminder of mental and physical neglect.

She has not changed her behavior over the years towards me actually it's gotten much worse. I want to leave this world because of being mentally and physically sick since birth however I cannot say that she is not one of the reasons why I want to leave. It's the only way I can escape her. I've never once got an apology from her in any form.. not I wish that I didn't do that to I or maybe I could have done something different or better. I waited decades for an apology that was never going to come. Some people just do not have the mental capacity to have empathy

My whole family made me feel like trash since the day I was born. The constant ridicule had a severe effect on my immune system. I think there's actually been studies about people that talk to their plants and somehow they seem to flourish opposed to wilting and dying. Before I was even a teenager I was already wilting and dying.

I'm sorry for what you went through - nobody deserves that kind of treatment. Validation, support, and unconditional love are basic human needs. Without these, how can one be expected to flourish? Even those who appear to be successful despite these circumstances, many still suffer or have unfortunately taken on the characteristics of their abusers in order to be able to function.

Some people do not have the capacity to admit wrongdoing. I personally consider this a lack of emotional strength. Not that that makes it any less painful for those who are forced to put up with it.

I feel some parts of my parental abuser in me, and I feel that the only way to reject this and escape her power over me is to CTB. I refuse to accept any part of her. I will always be sensitive - something that was constantly mocked by my family. But it's who I am and I'll willfully die before giving up that part of myself