I don't even care about upcoming movies or music albums. It's like my mind tells me: just end it. It's over. I don't talk to my friends anymore. I don't eat anymore. My parents will be 50 this year and I don't care being here for their birthdays. Yesterday before going to sleep I was looking at the ceiling and thinking: I'm done. I failed life. Just wait for the right time to end it. Suicide is inevitable, I know that. And I know that I'm attempting soon. Wish I could go back in time and make things right but I know that's not going to happen. Last Saturday an speacilist told me and some people: sometimes is better die than keep on suffering. Acceptance is not for me. I've been many months like this and there wasn't a single day I thought about suicide. At least I tried this months to live with my physical condition. That makes me feel a little bit good but it's time to end this. It's like someone who has lost their legs: you accept it. Or you ctb.
randomz
Specialist
- Nov 4, 2019
- 395
I understand this fatigue of life very well. I feel it too. Although I don't think you know that you don't want to experience stuff when you don't have idea how they will feel. You can try starting something entirely new in your life. Something you never did before - that could give you some much needed positivity. Like start ice skating if you have not done it before. Or try some new sport. Have you tried therapy? Maybe some meds and CBT could help your situation?
waterbottleman
Not a person
- Sep 30, 2019
- 721
Yeah I relate a lot to how you feel.
You often hear people say to others that they should just learn to "accept" whatever it is that is bothering them "there's more to life than X" and to take up hobbies or something to fill up their time. However what I suspect happens to people is that the missing part of their life ends up causing a depression in them that is so deep it engulfs them entirely, slowly eats away at their souls, destroys every aspect of their life, and they become incapable of finding joy or purpose in anything anymore.
In other words that missing piece to that person is so fundamental to their mental well being and overall satisfaction in life that they literally cannot live without it. I too have come to accept that I cannot accept what is missing in my life. Since I can't get what is missing my only escape from myself is to die.
I can't remember the last day I've had where I didn't think about suicide. I probably think about suicide once an hour as well although honestly the point is I think about suicide so much that it's just always on my mind. The thought of suicide used to be a foreign concept that scared me when it came up in my mind but a while ago it has become an every day acquaintance that I feel totally normalized with, suicide doesn't scare me anymore.
If my mind were a house, suicide is a guest that used to come into my house uninvited and unwanted but sneak in once in a while before security was called and it was forced to leave. However for a while now suicide has been a welcome guest at my house that has been sleeping over every day. Suicide is pretty much family now. Suicide doesn't leave the house either and as time goes on suicide is becoming a more rowdy, loud, dominant, and controlling guest over the entire house. Very soon I suspect suicide will burn the entire house down if you catch my drift.
Last edited:
Thanks. CTB seems pretty logical for me at this point. Point of no return. And I quitted university because I'm going to ctb soon. Also I can't stand being a failure.
selfhater
Experienced
- Mar 1, 2020
- 222
Similar threads
Suicide Discussion
affirmatice
