Help There is no ‘other place’, im trapped here. Self delusion. wtf do i do now

[mosai1que]

Hello im very new and since coming to this forum ive been very emotional. i think its mostly about how descriptive and objective the talk of suicide here is. It makes it feel so real. I know it sounds stupid but for me its always been kind of an abstract concept. I dont see anything wrong with it. I guess its just the biology and different methods that makes it seem more real to me.

this made me think of all the times therapists have asked me if i felt suicidal, and ive always answered "i dont want to die, i just want to be somewhere else", and that made me think about 'somewhere else', and what it means. And its a place that doesnt exist, i cant go there. I dont know why my brain made up that i had the choice of going to some alternate fantasy reality far away if i wanted. I cant. Its impossible.

i dont want to live, i dont want to die, i just dont want to be here. But not being here is not an option, so im stuck between 2 things i dont want. If im not dead im trapped in this place. I cant go anywhere else. I cant die because i dont want to die. I have no choice but to stay and deal with reality. Its just so wild to me how I deluded myself into thinking i could do something that was not live and not die.

i need some help because this has really shook me, and im scared of bringing this up to a therapist

again sorry if all of this sounds ignorant and childish. I feel like this is how kids feel when they discover santa isnt real

 

[Artictart]

Hello im very new and since coming to this forum ive been very emotional. i think its mostly about how descriptive and objective the talk of suicide here is. It makes it feel so real. I know it sounds stupid but for me its always been kind of an abstract concept. I dont see anything wrong with it. I guess its just the biology and different methods that makes it seem more real to me.

this made me think of all the times therapists have asked me if i felt suicidal, and ive always answered "i dont want to die, i just want to be somewhere else", and that made me think about 'somewhere else', and what it means. And its a place that doesnt exist, i cant go there. I dont know why my brain made up that i had the choice of going to some alternate fantasy reality far away if i wanted. I cant. Its impossible.

i dont want to live, i dont want to die, i just dont want to be here. But not being here is not an option, so im stuck between 2 things i dont want. If im not dead im trapped in this place. I cant go anywhere else. I cant die because i dont want to die. I have no choice but to stay and deal with reality. Its just so wild to me how I deluded myself into thinking i could do something that was not live and not die.

i need some help because this has really shook me, and im scared of bringing this up to a therapist

again sorry if all of this sounds ignorant and childish. I feel like this is how kids feel when they discover santa isnt real

I feel like this is a lot more common than you think. I had the same kind of thing happen when I met more people and heard them talk about their experiences with suicide. It's a lot to process so it's probably normal to feel this way.
If it's any help, the way i've been thinking is, "I don't want to die but it's honestly my only way out of this miserable place and miserable mind"

 

[kwho]

I have no choice but to stay and deal with reality.

Seems like it, doesn't it.... Would it help if you saw it as a quest? A challenge? A game? That's how i managed.

I deluded myself into thinking i could do something that was not live and not die.

May be there just isn't a name for it yet.

In any case,

 

[Mirrory Me]

It would probably be appropriate to ask yourself why you want to go there. It may be due to dissatisfaction with the circumstances that currently overshadow your life. I myself have been treated in a mental hospital for a long time and have fantasized about turning into a bird and flying out the window to freedom.

 

[nolifezzz]

i feel the same way.
it's okay, i'm still figuring things out too.
figuring what is it that i truly want
figuring what is it that could truly be my "light at the end of the tunnel"
take your time to process all of this and take care

 

[mosai1que]

Seems like it, doesn't it.... Would it help if you saw it as a quest? A challenge? A game? That's how i managed.

May be there just isn't a name for it yet.

In any case,

that is also how ive been seeing it. Being here out of spite to prove im strong. But idk this realization has really thrown me for a loop, i dont have plans of dying right now im just kind of sad the only other choice i have is living

i feel the same way.
it's okay, i'm still figuring things out too.
figuring what is it that i truly want
figuring what is it that could truly be my "light at the end of the tunnel"
take your time to process all of this and take care

this reads like a poem omg thank you. I think youre right in saying that what i need it time. Right now i still have that panicky feeling that im trapped, it sucks, but objectively i also know there is more to life than 'being trapped'

It would probably be appropriate to ask yourself why you want to go there. It may be due to dissatisfaction with the circumstances that currently overshadow your life. I myself have been treated in a mental hospital for a long time and have fantasized about turning into a bird and flying out the window to freedom.

omg literally same!
majority of the dreams i can remember involve me flying in some way, it feels so peaceful. I think that is what im grieving, that stuff like that will never happen. Like that there is no magical zen other place where everything is ok.

It sounds like youve had it rough time, sending hugs <3