The Wonderful world of Bipolar!

[Bleedingheartbeat]

Hi everybody. I'm a new member here and this is my first thread. I guess I'm here for the same reason most people are- it gets hard to find the will to live in this world. Some come to the conclusion to rest from this existence (which I admire the support and kindness of this community). And some want to try to recover. Both paths are supported here and that's where I see the beauty.

I have Bipolar Disorder and every day is an uphill battle. But some days (like today) it's especially hard to cope. I don't feel like a person sometimes, don't know how else to describe it. With Bipolar the high and low episodes come at random times. The highs are great, but the lows are crippling. I feel like I'm crippled today. This couldn't have come at a worse time because I'm right in the middle of exam season. There's a voice inside me that's screaming WAKE UP! GET UP! WE NEED TO WORK! But it's drowned out by the numbness and emptiness. I want to get better for my family. But I just want to agony to end. The medicine isn't providing the same relief that it did when I first started taking it, which might mean I need to adjust my dosage. Anyways I was just venting.

Thanking you for hearing me out if you've read everything.

 

[SoftWorries]

Maybe during your highs you can write kind things to yourself to read during your lows.

Thanks for sharing x

 

[Bleedingheartbeat]

Maybe during your highs you can write kind things to yourself to read during your lows.

Thanks for sharing x

This is a great idea! I'll definitely try it, thanks

 

[hamvil]

I am in a similar situation. But when I am in maniac mode, what you can high in bipolar, i get verbally abusing and this creates me propoblem in my daily life. I do not take anti-depressantant because the do not work well with the bipolar disorseer manining the turn me upi and I make even more mess. This condition make all difficult, work, friend, lovelofe. sorry for the typos the meds are givin me motoro cotrnl problems.

 

[Bleedingheartbeat]

I am in a similar situation. But when I am in maniac mode, what you can high in bipolar, i get verbally abusing and this creates me propoblem in my daily life. I do not take anti-depressantant because the do not work well with the bipolar disorseer manining the turn me upi and I make even more mess. This condition make all difficult, work, friend, lovelofe. sorry for the typos the meds are givin me motoro cotrnl problems.

that's okay I understood everything you said. And I totally agree, the condition makes everything 10x harder. It's like your brain is fighting against you to move forward.

 

[msocks]

I have type 2 so my highs aren't too too high. The Lamictal helps with that too. I miss when I was actually productive during hypomania. I could draw for 14 hours and everything would just flow. But the crash was inevitable and it got to the point that even my figure drawing professor could tell the difference in my line work. While I was severely depressed everything was so much more... stiff? I can see it when I look back at it from oh no it's almost 2 decades ago now.

Now I just get extremely irritable, can't sleep, can't concentrate well at work or doing things I actually like, need to resist spending monies everywhere and struggle to drive more patiently. Yay....

The cycling is what's getting to me as I get older. It'll get better for a little while. I'm in a better place than I was a week before signing up here. But it'll be back. It always will. How long will the reprieve be this time?

Maybe during your highs you can write kind things to yourself to read during your lows.

Thanks for sharing x

I also think that's a great idea. Could write or draw something right out of coming out of a bad episode.

 

[hamvil]

I have type 2 so my highs aren't too too high. The Lamictal helps with that too. I miss when I was actually productive during hypomania. I could draw for 14 hours and everything would just flow. But the crash was inevitable and it got to the point that even my figure drawing professor could tell the difference in my line work. While I was severely depressed everything was so much more... stiff? I can see it when I look back at it from oh no it's almost 2 decades ago now.

Now I just get extremely irritable, can't sleep, can't concentrate well at work or doing things I actually like, need to resist spending monies everywhere and struggle to drive more patiently. Yay....

The cycling is what's getting to me as I get older. It'll get better for a little while. I'm in a better place than I was a week before signing up here. But it'll be back. It always will. How long will the reprieve be this time?

I also think that's a great idea. Could write or draw something right out of coming out of a bad episode.

Did you take anything for the depression part? I refuse to do it because it has bad effeccefect when I get into maniac mode. It make me verbally aggressice and in generale it make me do poor life choice. Now I acceppt to stay depressed in the depressed phase and I take a mood contro cntron med, depakin and some risperidal. Too early to tell but it seems good. During the prepression phase i stil think hard about ctb and I do not exclude that I will implement it one day. It is just so harf to live like this, hard with friends (none), with lovely one (always fight), and the job (being put in a corrner by evernbody). I just wished for an invte to lujch together at work or to share a coffeee but my characterter put eerybody off. sorry fro the typpos my med are giviving me motor control issues,

 

[UsagiDrop]

The cycling is what's getting to me as I get older. It'll get better for a little while. I'm in a better place than I was a week before signing up here. But it'll be back. It always will. How long will the reprieve be this time?

I'm having the same experience, almost. The decision to sign up for this forum finally came during hypomania, so I would say I was in a better place when I signed up. Now I've cycled back into depression and I'm happy that I'm at least in a community of people that understand rather than feeling so isolated like I usually do. I haven't even had my diagnosis for very long but the cycling is getting to me as well now, it's very tiring and even with medication I never feel normal. :')

I don't feel like a person sometimes, don't know how else to describe it.

I know exactly how you feel. Woke up feeling nothing like a human today and it's like I'm trying to crawl into a skin and put on a mask just to face the day. You don't have to know how to describe it, you're among people who know what you mean without you even having to say much about it. I wish you lots of luck in your exams, I know how it is to feel paralyzed when you need to be productive and it sucks. I hope that you won't be very hard on yourself and that you give yourself breaks, if you need them. And I also hope you can get the dosage right on your medication sometime soon, too.

Some supplements can help with focus in the meantime if you are interested, like vitamins B12 and C. I've heard people saying vitamin D/getting out in the sun helps with focus and brain fog as well.

 

[msocks]

No worries about the typos. I can understand it fine. It sucks that your meds are giving you shitty side effects though.

I was misdiagnosed in the early 2000s with MDD originally and was given an SSRI. I FELT GRRRRRRREAT. I'm going to run off to an art school I can't afford several states away from my family and build up 100k in student loan debt GREAT. WOO!

I usually grit my teeth, hold on tight to my boogie board and just ride the waves until things get better. Which was easier until a year and a half ago because for most of the last decade the depression episodes haven't been horrible horrible. Still suicidal ideation of course but not revising my old CTB plans in my head horrible like a few weeks ago.

I would often use the ocean and waves analogy to describe it to people even before I found this article.

I am not always very attached to being alive

Chronic, passive suicidal ideation is like living in the ocean. Let’s start talking about how to tread water.

theoutline.com

That. That right there is what I relate to regarding suicidal thoughts and the things I do to survive most of the time. Not exactly the same but pretty close. Ended up talking to my boss some about my latest episode due to a dip in performance and being late too much. It seems like people that haven't experienced this crap just don't seem to get it. I've tried in the past. Maybe I'll forward that article to them in the future.

Right now I'm taking 200mg Wellbutrin SR twice a day and Effexor XR 150mg everyday. I'm not sure if my current prescriber would increase the Effexor again. Next step would probably be switching up stuff to include atypical antipsychotics. Bleeeh. The thought of completely changing stuff scares me. At least I'm mostly functioning. I can still work unlike how I was 15 years ago. I reaaaaally don't want to return to that state.

The major reason I stick around is family. I don't have any friends that live close by but at least most of my immediate family is here. They're some of my floatation devices. I'm scared about losing my job if we change my meds and I lose my shit. I just keep telling myself that I have sick time and short & long term disability insurance if something happens. I'm generally pretty self aware and my mom picks up on some cues I may miss. So it'll be okay. I hope.

 

[freedompass]

I have bipolar 1, when manic I become psychotic. I've had many many forced hospital admissions over the last 30 years and live on disability benefits. Bipolar is life on hard mode. There's the internalised stigma and shame too, and my family were no help at all. It's hard to sustain friendships and I was unable to form a healthy partnership like, ever…I see myself as a ward of the state, the only trouble is the state doesn't give one single shit and the mental health services are even more of a joke now in 2023 than they were before. I wish you a great life though OP, hope it is nothing like mine.

 

[Bleedingheartbeat]

I have bipolar 1, when manic I become psychotic. I've had many many forced hospital admissions over the last 30 years and live on disability benefits. Bipolar is life on hard mode. There's the internalised stigma and shame too, and my family were no help at all. It's hard to sustain friendships and I was unable to form a healthy partnership like, ever…I see myself as a ward of the state, the only trouble is the state doesn't give one single shit and the mental health services are even more of a joke now in 2023 than they were before. I wish you a great life though OP, hope it is nothing like mine.

I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't been easy. Unfortunately for me, I get it 100%. I also have type 1 bipolar disorder and for my worst psychotic episode I wasn't sent to a hospital but the next best thing- a Pentecostal/charismatic church. Yep that's where my psychosis flourished undetected. I was literally convinced that I could hear the voice of god 24/7 and I went around telling people what god said about them. I'd give people money because "god told me to".. Funny how I don't hear the voice when I take my meds lol. I also thought I had divine healing powers and I went around putting my hands on people trying to heal them. Yep, I blended right in with the other wackos at church. (No offense to Christians) And to top it all off I was engaged to a man on our first date. And no surprise the relationship was a disaster. It fell apart right around the time I was coming down from my manic episode. I look back now in shock because everyone around me was playing along with this circus show and didn't realize I NEEDED HELP.

 

[Odahviing475]

My worst parts about being bipolar are my impulsive spending and doubting whether people spend time with me for me or for my manic states

 

[Bleedingheartbeat]

My worst parts about being bipolar are my impulsive spending and doubting whether people spend time with me for me or for my manic states

I know how it feels. It's like there's two (or more) versions of you and sometimes I feel like I need to perform a certain way in front of different people- mainly people I interacted with in my manic state.

 

[msocks]

I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't been easy. Unfortunately for me, I get it 100%. I also have type 1 bipolar disorder and for my worst psychotic episode I wasn't sent to a hospital but the next best thing- a Pentecostal/charismatic church. Yep that's where my psychosis flourished undetected. I was literally convinced that I could hear the voice of god 24/7 and I went around telling people what god said about them. I'd give people money because "god told me to".. Funny how I don't hear the voice when I take my meds lol. I also thought I had divine healing powers and I went around putting my hands on people trying to heal them. Yep, I blended right in with the other wackos at church. (No offense to Christians) And to top it all off I was engaged to a man on our first date. And no surprise the relationship was a disaster. It fell apart right around the time I was coming down from my manic episode. I look back now in shock because everyone around me was playing along with this circus show and didn't realize I NEEDED HELP.

Oh wow how did no one realize that it was obviously a problem. Seriously. Guess it was just a normal Tuesday to them, yup nothing to see here.

I'm glad you made it through all that but wowee

I grew up near some snake handling churches soooooo yeaaah. Glad my parents let us figure our own spirituality/religion stuff out.

I know how it feels. It's like there's two (or more) versions of you and sometimes I feel like I need to perform a certain way in front of different people- mainly people I interacted with in my manic state.

I've had some coworkers or classmates back in the day question my diagnosis because "you seem pretty mellow" or "you don't act depressed." HAHAHAHAHAHA That's because I hide most of it in public. I'm afraid if I let the mask crack after my mood has gone to shit, I'll just be a sobbing mess. And it's fine to cry but damn it when I'm at work I'm trying to get shit done not cry at my desk.

 

[hamvil]

No worries about the typos. I can understand it fine. It sucks that your meds are giving you shitty side effects though.

I was misdiagnosed in the early 2000s with MDD originally and was given an SSRI. I FELT GRRRRRRREAT. I'm going to run off to an art school I can't afford several states away from my family and build up 100k in student loan debt GREAT. WOO!

I usually grit my teeth, hold on tight to my boogie board and just ride the waves until things get better. Which was easier until a year and a half ago because for most of the last decade the depression episodes haven't been horrible horrible. Still suicidal ideation of course but not revising my old CTB plans in my head horrible like a few weeks ago.

I would often use the ocean and waves analogy to describe it to people even before I found this article.

I am not always very attached to being alive

Chronic, passive suicidal ideation is like living in the ocean. Let’s start talking about how to tread water.

theoutline.com

That. That right there is what I relate to regarding suicidal thoughts and the things I do to survive most of the time. Not exactly the same but pretty close. Ended up talking to my boss some about my latest episode due to a dip in performance and being late too much. It seems like people that haven't experienced this crap just don't seem to get it. I've tried in the past. Maybe I'll forward that article to them in the future.

Right now I'm taking 200mg Wellbutrin SR twice a day and Effexor XR 150mg everyday. I'm not sure if my current prescriber would increase the Effexor again. Next step would probably be switching up stuff to include atypical antipsychotics. Bleeeh. The thought of completely changing stuff scares me. At least I'm mostly functioning. I can still work unlike how I was 15 years ago. I reaaaaally don't want to return to that state.

The major reason I stick around is family. I don't have any friends that live close by but at least most of my immediate family is here. They're some of my floatation devices. I'm scared about losing my job if we change my meds and I lose my shit. I just keep telling myself that I have sick time and short & long term disability insurance if something happens. I'm generally pretty self aware and my mom picks up on some cues I may miss. So it'll be okay. I hope.

I do not reallt have a reaon to stick around. My depression is due to. job loss i cannt recodver from. it was my dream job and due to to somehitty mitake of minei lit it. Now I have a hitty job where collegues ignore me and the boss mobs me (In qays hard to demonstrate). If i gt in manic mode during work i cn create qute some sdamage, I;ve been kick out from a project, rpoeteteted to two ethical commitees and a person sued me for ferbal abuse.

Tbh i do to not wish all this to continue. For what? I am 44 almost even if i resist at this job it will be another 25 year of misery before i can be in a state of finally doing nothing. I Haf my peal in lifr anf acrereer i. 2018/2019 now i know i will never bemore that that ever again anf it feel me with pain. Pplus th vipola dor not help. It id hard to explain to people to tje point i do not even try. `I am happy with the run I had until 2020, now is time to move on.