Venting The Will to Live

[zzzameron]

I go to therapy once a week. I work out several times a week. I take antidepressants. I read self-help books. I walk outside every day. I have a job. I have friends to talk to. I have a loving, supportive family. None of it helps.

I have no drive to improve myself or seek fulfillment, except as a means to an end, to satisfy other people, to "seem" like I'm "getting better". I used to be excited about life, when my girlfriend and I were going to move in together. She broke up with me 4 months ago. We're still friends, sort of. And we may still get back together, after some time healing individually, but even that possibility is not enough to make me care about life. And I can't keep putting that pressure on her to be my will to live—that would only drive her further away.

I'm trying to care for myself, be my own best friend, etc etc, but I find that my self-compassion usually just enables my depression and suicidal thoughts. (Example: if I'm tired, which I always am, my 'best friend' (me) advises me to take a nap. These 'naps' always consist of hours of suicidal rumination rather than sleep.) My therapist has advised me to seek fulfillment over happiness, get back into my creative interests, try volunteering… I'm trying, but it's hard to make a consistent effort to improve my life when I'd rather be dead.

For anyone who has found the will to make an effort in life… how did you do it? How do you talk to yourself? What does "self love" mean to you, and how did you achieve it?

I'm at a loss here. I'm so tired and I want to give up. The only reason I haven't yet is because I don't want to traumatize the people I care about. Frighteningly, even that concern is slowly fading compared to the enormity of my desire to stop existing.

 

[shame]

Did you tell your therapist about this?
What antidepressants are you taking? Maybe it can be the cause..

 

[-Link-]

You are surviving. You are functioning. But the depression is still holding you down. Sounds like something is lacking. There's a major deficit in there somewhere.

I'd look at possible changes in treatment or therapy approaches, or changes in medication, or an adjunctive treatment to that effect. It depends on what you've already tried and what's accessible to you.

I wonder if you're doing too much for the seeming benefit of other people. I mean, you're already continuing living for purposes of avoiding hurting the people closest to you, so I'd expect anything above and beyond this to come at a pretty big cost in terms of mental energy.

Everyone needs a purpose in life. What's your purpose? I agree with your therapist in distinguishing between happiness and fulfillment, with the latter being more important.

Wanting to feel known, to feel loved, to feel like they matter, to feel a sense of community or like they belong -- these are the common ones.

What would a fulfilling life look like? A lot of people get something out of helping others. This can look like different things. You mentioned you do volunteering. Maybe it's time for something different.

What have you enjoyed in the past? Any hobbies from your past that you could get back into? Any causes that were important to you or important to you now? Is there anything about the world that makes you angry? Whatever it is that makes you angry, that could be a cause to get involved in.

Do you feel understood by the people closest to you? I mean truly understood. Not "I want to understand you but cannot fully do so," but "I actually do understand you." Maybe you need a confidante. Someone other than a therapist who is familiar with what it is to be in your situation or something like it.

The only reason I haven't yet is because I don't want to traumatize the people I care about. Frighteningly, even that concern is slowly fading compared to the enormity of my desire to stop existing.

This is problematic -- big warning sign. But it's good you're in tune with this.

I'd look at something radical. A radical change or a radical add-on to what you're already doing.

What that could be, I don't know, but I hope you're able to find it.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

you seem to have everything in place to be able to recover from this, talk to your therapist, talk to your friends if your comfortable with that. CTB is permanent, please remember to exhaust all other possibilities before you follow down that route