UselessBeing
Member
- Sep 3, 2021
- 41
I'm honestly beyond angry right now. A while ago I decided on my CTB date which is March 22nd. I've been set on it for a while and the moment I knew it was official I've "penciled it in" and started making certain arrangements for myself.
I have had several attempts through out my life and have always failed. I feel a big reason to that (besides stupid SI) is because I always did it on high emotion instead of making it the peaceful transition it should be. But this time it's supposed to be different.
I've been polishing my "I'm not depressed" act. I've been doing pretty good. My husband doesn't seem as worried (or so i thought) and family has backed off a lot aswell. I have spent the last couple weeks cleaning out my room. Getting rid of things (but not too much so I dont raise alarms to my hubny) and redecorating. I want to actually enjoy my room and I put a lot of my decor back up. It makes me happy to see so fuck it imma enjoy it right?
I have even completely decorated and cleaned out my Study (this is where I had planned to CTB) i love all sorts of lights and my favorite color is purple. So i lined the top of the wall in Purple LED lights. I set up my crystals and made a house hold memorial of my best friend. I got out my favorite books and lined them and a few stuffed animals in fairy lights. I put up my fav photos of me and the hubby on my desk with some of my Zelda decor and alapcas (i cannot put into word my love of alpacas) i put up tapestries and ringlights that change color and a pink salt lamp. Its so cozy and 100% me. (Funny how i suddenly accepted who I am and what I like before i die. )
This all took a long ass time to do but Im proud of it. This was the plan.
March 8th (today cause its payday woo) head to my favorite dispensary in town and stock up on some great weed to last a month.
Friday March 18
By this day my room and Study should be in top top shape and exactly how I want it. And by now enough should be thrown out to where my husband and parents don't have a shit ton to sort through.
After the hubby gets off work I'll suggest we get some alcohol and great food for the weekend and proceed to spend most of the weekend at home smoking,drinking, and gaming with the hubby (his favorite)
Saturday March 19th
By this day my notes should be 100% done. I've been writing them since November of last year and have been editing/adding what ever I have needed to as time has gone on. I will just finalize it all.
Sunday March 20.
This day I plan to wake the hubby early and go to the store. Its my best friends birthday and I need to get flowers and a balloon to take to her memorial site. Ill go sit with her smoke a bit and just... Feel her with me and let her know I'll be with her soon. After we sit with her we are going to get some great greasy food in honor of her because she loved great food haha.
Monday March 21st
Make sure my outfits for the 22nd are perfect and easy to get to along with my make up. Enjoy my last day with family hubby and pets.
Tuesday March 22nd.
Hubby is supposed to take the whole day off. We take our time getting ready and start to head out of town to where we will be attending a concert (been waiting literal years for this show. Music is my life). After the concert we will get dinner and head home. By the time we get home he will be exhausted. After some loving on him and making sure he is asleep I planned on slipping out of the room. Putting on my most comfy of pjs, grab my favorite alpaca stuffed animal and head to my study.
I'll put on my headphones and start Lifehouse on spotify (ive always known id die listening to them. Every attempt they were on) ill turn on all my pretty lights and then set up my blanekts and pillows and partially hang myself.
This has been a long time coming. Ive been at peace with it and honestly have been excited. The room is ready and comforting exactly how ive wanted it.
But life has really been trying to fuck this up. My uncle died a day before my birthday and my father has been a mess. The funeral has just now been announced after 2 months and its on March 26. nd i wrestled with it because I want to be there for my dad and losing me right after his uncle then right before the funeral would devastate him. But I realized life keeps happening and there will never really be a good time so I stuck with my march 22nd plan because its honestly just perfect to me. Its never felt so right
The concert was almost cancled again for a 4th time but thankfully it didn't happen so 2nd hurdle passed.
The last 7 days my husband has been freaking out Im going to die. I have no idea why. I am 100% he hasn't found anything. Him being worried like this is not normal for him AT all and I'm trying so hard to not raise flags.
Yesterday he told me he decided not to take the day off on the 22nd. That we will just head there after he gets off work amd we will get a hotel and he will take the 23rd off. Im devastated.
I need everything in order and done a certain way to keep my anxiety low and I do better with things planned. And this honestly couldn't be more perfect for me. Dying after a great show with the love of my life in a comforting peaceful area at home.
But now with him all of a sudden changing things on the literal day I had set has me so fucking angry and upset. I dont want to CTB out of town in a creepy hotel. I finally took proper steps in making sure everything goes MY WAY as it should when you CTB.
Now I don't know what to do. I really don't want to do this in a hotel. I had wanted to CTB on the 20th (before i knew the concert was offically on the 22nd) because it would mean I get to die and be reunatied with my best friend on her bday. But then I thought maybe that wouldn't be right to her dad. He would have a lot to grieve. I got close to her Dad after she passed. Wouldnt want ro stain her bday for him aswell but now with the sudden change maybe I should just CTB on the 20th. The whole point was to go on my terms my way and now I cant and idk what to do. Im beyond angry and devastated.
Whoever read this whole thing thank you a thousand times over. It seems everytime I post a thread its lengthly
I have had several attempts through out my life and have always failed. I feel a big reason to that (besides stupid SI) is because I always did it on high emotion instead of making it the peaceful transition it should be. But this time it's supposed to be different.
I've been polishing my "I'm not depressed" act. I've been doing pretty good. My husband doesn't seem as worried (or so i thought) and family has backed off a lot aswell. I have spent the last couple weeks cleaning out my room. Getting rid of things (but not too much so I dont raise alarms to my hubny) and redecorating. I want to actually enjoy my room and I put a lot of my decor back up. It makes me happy to see so fuck it imma enjoy it right?
I have even completely decorated and cleaned out my Study (this is where I had planned to CTB) i love all sorts of lights and my favorite color is purple. So i lined the top of the wall in Purple LED lights. I set up my crystals and made a house hold memorial of my best friend. I got out my favorite books and lined them and a few stuffed animals in fairy lights. I put up my fav photos of me and the hubby on my desk with some of my Zelda decor and alapcas (i cannot put into word my love of alpacas) i put up tapestries and ringlights that change color and a pink salt lamp. Its so cozy and 100% me. (Funny how i suddenly accepted who I am and what I like before i die. )
This all took a long ass time to do but Im proud of it. This was the plan.
March 8th (today cause its payday woo) head to my favorite dispensary in town and stock up on some great weed to last a month.
Friday March 18
By this day my room and Study should be in top top shape and exactly how I want it. And by now enough should be thrown out to where my husband and parents don't have a shit ton to sort through.
After the hubby gets off work I'll suggest we get some alcohol and great food for the weekend and proceed to spend most of the weekend at home smoking,drinking, and gaming with the hubby (his favorite)
Saturday March 19th
By this day my notes should be 100% done. I've been writing them since November of last year and have been editing/adding what ever I have needed to as time has gone on. I will just finalize it all.
Sunday March 20.
This day I plan to wake the hubby early and go to the store. Its my best friends birthday and I need to get flowers and a balloon to take to her memorial site. Ill go sit with her smoke a bit and just... Feel her with me and let her know I'll be with her soon. After we sit with her we are going to get some great greasy food in honor of her because she loved great food haha.
Monday March 21st
Make sure my outfits for the 22nd are perfect and easy to get to along with my make up. Enjoy my last day with family hubby and pets.
Tuesday March 22nd.
Hubby is supposed to take the whole day off. We take our time getting ready and start to head out of town to where we will be attending a concert (been waiting literal years for this show. Music is my life). After the concert we will get dinner and head home. By the time we get home he will be exhausted. After some loving on him and making sure he is asleep I planned on slipping out of the room. Putting on my most comfy of pjs, grab my favorite alpaca stuffed animal and head to my study.
I'll put on my headphones and start Lifehouse on spotify (ive always known id die listening to them. Every attempt they were on) ill turn on all my pretty lights and then set up my blanekts and pillows and partially hang myself.
This has been a long time coming. Ive been at peace with it and honestly have been excited. The room is ready and comforting exactly how ive wanted it.
But life has really been trying to fuck this up. My uncle died a day before my birthday and my father has been a mess. The funeral has just now been announced after 2 months and its on March 26. nd i wrestled with it because I want to be there for my dad and losing me right after his uncle then right before the funeral would devastate him. But I realized life keeps happening and there will never really be a good time so I stuck with my march 22nd plan because its honestly just perfect to me. Its never felt so right
The concert was almost cancled again for a 4th time but thankfully it didn't happen so 2nd hurdle passed.
The last 7 days my husband has been freaking out Im going to die. I have no idea why. I am 100% he hasn't found anything. Him being worried like this is not normal for him AT all and I'm trying so hard to not raise flags.
Yesterday he told me he decided not to take the day off on the 22nd. That we will just head there after he gets off work amd we will get a hotel and he will take the 23rd off. Im devastated.
I need everything in order and done a certain way to keep my anxiety low and I do better with things planned. And this honestly couldn't be more perfect for me. Dying after a great show with the love of my life in a comforting peaceful area at home.
But now with him all of a sudden changing things on the literal day I had set has me so fucking angry and upset. I dont want to CTB out of town in a creepy hotel. I finally took proper steps in making sure everything goes MY WAY as it should when you CTB.
Now I don't know what to do. I really don't want to do this in a hotel. I had wanted to CTB on the 20th (before i knew the concert was offically on the 22nd) because it would mean I get to die and be reunatied with my best friend on her bday. But then I thought maybe that wouldn't be right to her dad. He would have a lot to grieve. I got close to her Dad after she passed. Wouldnt want ro stain her bday for him aswell but now with the sudden change maybe I should just CTB on the 20th. The whole point was to go on my terms my way and now I cant and idk what to do. Im beyond angry and devastated.
Whoever read this whole thing thank you a thousand times over. It seems everytime I post a thread its lengthly
