Discussion The weirdest satisfaction with bpd

[dreaming_of_pearl]

Do you all have bpd that will be satisfied from really odd things? I'm not sure how to word it but let me give an example of mine. I'm curious if others have this as well?


Honestly half of the day I have glorified dreams of suicide and being an extreme pain, it sucks. I say half though because sometimes my bpd gets "satisfied" that mabye I'm not an awful person and it was evreyone else who was terrible to me. This really only happens from a few things.

• Seeing/hearing about horrible shit happening to the people I split on/ hate.(the more suffering the better it makes me feel like they finally get to feel how they made me feel for months)
• This weird random drive that I'm significantly more talented than others and I'm being slept on and if I work harder people can't ignore me.(which leads to s spiral of the first point)
• Realizing that my girlfriend is someone they all wanted a piece and she chose me over them.
• Believing the people I don't like/split on spend most of their money on conventions and temporary happiness and live in an annoying shitty situation 98% of the time
• Adding onto that the 1% of the time they are at a convention when their one escape from a shitty reality gets ruined it feels like karma in a way. For some reason I just want them to feel an oz of what I feel most days

Yes if you don't have bpd this sounds awful and that I'm praying on peoples downfall I don't really have control over these thought patterns, it's like a constant tv static in the back of my head highkey makes me wanna kms. Even if I'm doing another task distracting myself it's still here and has to run it's course I've tried so many things.

If you don't have bpd I don't think you will understand this.

Medically, bpd is surviving with permanent 3st degree burns (that most people honestly throw lemon juice and salt on because we arnt acting right) when I first got diagnosed I was looking into it and it's considered one of the most painful mental disorders you can have apparently. High suicide rate, poor quality of life if untreated, treatment resistant. When combined with stuff like autism it can be a pretty deadly combo. Lucky me for having that but anyways.

Spesifically neurotypical people lack empathy a lot imo. But most people lack empathy in a situation it seems right I would be hugged and comforted in, I'm questioned and yelled at. In a situation I offer genuine advice in, it's cruel and unusual and evil. In a situation I turn off my brain and shut down overwhelmed to stop myself from splitting I get told I'm ruining the vibe.

I feel this world isn't made for us it hurts deeply. I want them to feel an oz just s skosh of the pain I feel they don't understand how much it PHYSICALLY hurts too. It's selfish yes it makes me a horrible person but if I'm going to be called a horrible person I might as well get some satisfaction out of it too no? I've spent my whole life turning the other cheek and nothing good came of it. I'm tired of my pain being ok but others pain is unforgivable and so hard.

Please tell me somone understands this because despite all I don't want to hurt anyone. Contradicting but that is the nature of humans and this disorder

 

[SuicidalAngel]

I completely understand. I also have BPD and autism as well as other things. I tried and completed MBT but to no use. No matter what I do it never seems to help. Knowing there is no medication for it just adds to the helplessness.