Venting The way things used to be

[LogicalConclusion]

My day has been really shit so far because I've been feeling quite ill and I slept a lot but still just want to crawl back into bed. My skin hurts and I feel weak and nauseous, but I know there's nothing physically wrong with me; my brain just does this sometimes. I call it "brain fever" because my brain gets overwhelmed and it comes out as feeling sick, usually with fever symptoms and consequent delirium that goes with it. So I don't really know what is going on, but it doesn't help that somehow my brain brought up my life before the cult situation...I used to be a wandering minstrel and played at bars, in a talent show, and on the streets. Made some decent money, bought a lot of drugs; it was all I had to keep me going. I became decently well-known and close to the homeless population because I was essentially homeless myself, but my friend gave me a place to stay...I miss performing for them because they truly appreciated it and I was glad to bring any kind of joy into their lives. I still regret not being able to do more to fight the city for murdering my friends through lack of shelters and letting people freeze on the streets. But I digress...

Every now and then, I get in these reminiscing moods and listen to my old recordings, trying to relive what were some of the better days in my life. After the talent show, I was supposed to perform between sets at a 3-day festival that my brother's gf's family runs. But then everything went downhill fast after I met Frank. There's so much I don't even remember, but the feelings of terror, the sleep- and food-deprivation, social isolation, criticism/confession sessions sometimes 12+hrs long...there's no going back to how I was before. I am completely physiologically and psychologically changed. And I can't afford the treatment I would need because it's not covered by any insurance at this time.

So here I am, listening to old recordings, cursing the world for killing my friends while leaving me here on this miserable rock flying through space, wishing I could've done more with my life. I think it was during the time that I was an active performer that I actually had ideas about a future. Now that's all destroyed and 7yrs of fighting to get out, fighting to get treatment, fighting to be heard, has gotten me next to nowhere. It's not going to get better and I'm tired of carrying this weight anyway. Too much death and pain, I'm so done with it all. I hate feeling like everything, every hope I ever had, has been ripped away. I wish I could get back into music again, even just for myself, but whenever I try it just makes me aware of the void where my soul once lived.

Sorry, I just wanted to get this out somewhere and I appreciate you reading

 

[puppy9]

Your avatar is a fox, I don't know this will help but I'll post it anyway.A sleeping fox that I sketch.

 

[Rukia]

I would gladly read a memoir of yours, especially about this cult situation and about the homeless population in America...

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Your avatar is a fox, I don't know this will help but I'll post it anyway.A sleeping fox that I sketch.
View attachment 12669

Awww thank you, it's so precious <3

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I was a jehovahs witness for the first seventeen years of my life .
The cray impacted for life .

"High control " groups gonna fuck with you .

( Have you come across Steve Hassan and the BITE model ?

Freedom of Mind - BITE Model

Freedom of MInd BITE Model of Cult Expert Steven Hassan

old.freedomofmind.com

sorry if that comes across as preachy - but I'm a 'more
models of my shit the better' person ;.... just the other day
I found out that I am a "career suicidal " , which at the time felt
a bit demeaning , but was also very incitefull. )

 

[LogicalConclusion]

I was a jehovahs witness for the first seventeen years of my life .
The cray impacted for life .

"High control " groups gonna fuck with you .

( Have you come across Steve Hassan and the BITE model ?

Freedom of Mind - BITE Model

Freedom of MInd BITE Model of Cult Expert Steven Hassan

old.freedomofmind.com

sorry if that comes across as preachy - but I'm a 'more
models of my shit the better' person ;.... just the other day
I found out that I am a "career suicidal " , which at the time felt
a bit demeaning , but was also very incitefull. )

I'm sorry you went through that, I have family that are Jehovah's Witnesses...I didn't realize what that meant until after my experience and now it makes me sad for those in my family still involved.

I've actually been in contact with Freedom of Mind and I moved to Massachusetts largely because of them. But they cost several hundred dollars an hour.

What do you mean by "career suicidal" if I may ask?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

re ; suicide career : SS post : https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-as-a-way-to-take-control.18346/#post-345265

and the cited psych today article : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200305/not-always-cry-help

Interesting about your relatives ... from exjw on reddit it seems generations of folk are locked in in the states ... very different from my experience .

The whole thing gave me a great relative value on culture in general , although I always say that and it
doesn't compensate for a 'well adjusted niche ' in society ... ( boo hoo ).

It really has taken almost forty years to finally ditch the ideology and I know my behavioral
style may well never recover ! Nutty as ! Socialization was toxified off the scales !

( And you have to network to 'get on ' )

I'm sorry to hear that Hasaan is a pricey dude - maybe it's the fame thing ?

 

[LogicalConclusion]

@Temporarilyabsurd That's interesting, I'll try to read the full thing later...I kinda feel like this is just some way for psychologists to not take suicidal people seriously. I've been suicidal since I was 10 and I was so despised by my family and peers that I just wanted to erase myself from existence entirely. But I've had a lot of trauma surrounding death, so it sort of became a cycle of desperate need to die-->huge overdose-->ending up in the hospital one way or another-->repeat. And that also began a chain of abuse with the mental health system. They just called me attention-seeking, which I largely attribute to my mother putting her own spin on things instead of actually listening to me. Pretty sure she has Munchausen's by proxy because she's always had a reason to be bringing people to doctors of some kind (except herself, of course). She also would get extremely angry any time there was an actual need to go to a doctor. When I was 14, I was having extreme pain where my gall bladder was and the pain gave me anxiety attacks because I didn't know what was going on...school called my mom, my mom comes and picks me up and screams at me for interrupting her work. Shortly after, I had surgery to remove my gall bladder because it was diseased and also fused with my liver. So yeah, the abuse cycle has been really weird and just continues and I'm done.

My dad's first wife was/is a JW and that's how they met I guess. He never really talks about it. But he had 6 kids with her, left the church and his wife, married my mom and they had my brother and me. I'm glad you're out of that situation and I hope things get better for you <3

Nah, it's not due to fame. Insurance doesn't cover cult psychologists period. It disgusts me and that's why one of my biggest regrets after ctb is that I couldn't become a cult psychologist and fight so that people like me (and perhaps you, as well; idk your full situation) would be able to get that treatment without spending money they don't even have because the cult probably took it all. It's extremely sick and disgusts me. Society seems to have developed amnesia about cults, like they're a thing from the 70s/80s and no longer exist. Doesn't help that if you tell someone what happened to you, like a doctor, they'll likely label you as schizophrenic. When I started talking about my experience, the doctor in the hospital could only say "Like Patty Hearst?" and I wanted to bang my head against a wall. He diagnosed me as paranoid. Then the primary care doctor I started seeing began asking me a line of questioning that I knew right away was based on her belief that I was having hallucinations, that Frank wasn't real. I had to adamantly insist that I could bring in my friend who was in that situation with me and that I knew his address. So basically you have to help yourself to help a therapist to help you and if that's not fucked, idk what is.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

. So basically you have to help yourself to help a therapist to help you and if that's not fucked, idk what is.

All the therapists I've seen are a bit under par with mind control.

It's a touchy area as culturalization underpins a lot of human activity , and is the same as brain washing , so the shrinks are a bit anxious when it comes to condemning cultural processes .

The poor old pope and the flag saluting children of any nation would be up for
analysis and that just wouldn't do .
( Who would we get to fight our wars ? )

Your mother is the same ( a bit worse ) as mine .
She was the author of the whole thing in my family while dad quietly abandoned us kids.

Your Dad begat six JW's before your family ?
Jesus ! ( Well ...as you said , you have some idea about the crazy !)

I've never had any specific cult therapy ... it would have been good ...
( I disapeared into abottle for thirty years ... so I've mainly been dealing with secondary
'mental illness / addiction' processes. )

(Have you come across this guy ?

The Body Keeps The Score

besselvanderkolk.net

I listened to 'the body keeps the score' and it had some good
ideas ... )

My mother was recomended to go to a psych ward when i was 12 yo or so ,
but didn't because it would reflect badly on the dubs .
That cult is such a mind fucker .

 

[LogicalConclusion]

@Temporarilyabsurd Yeah, that's the big problem; people don't understand and because of that lack of understanding the misdiagnose and consequently mistreat (in the sense of wrong kind of treatment) them.

Sorry your mom is the same, that sucks :( Yeah, my dad is...well, he's something. I don't talk to him anymore.

I have seen the book but not been able to read it yet