The ups and downs. What will be my final wish

[Centerism]

Hey community,
I am going through some ups and downs today. I'm wishing to ctb tonight but I'm afraid of the consequences it will have on this around me. For years I've been in the glow of leaving this realm and I have tried many times to ctb the bus (hanging, radial artery cutting, shallow water techniques, pill overdose, drug overdose, and alcohol), but every time I try I wake up in the hospital and eventually end up in the psych ward. I'm tired of failing. And tonight I'd like to create a new existence for myself.

I'm a gay 33 year old male and I live in Chicago. I really want to do this with a partner but I haven't been able to find one. This is my first time on this site and I'd really like to stick around and find some good people to befriend here.

I have been through some trying times in my life like persecution for being a gay male. I've been shunned by friends and family for being a drug addict (I have two years clean now). People have bashed me for my sexual preferences and activities. I've even been thrown out of high school for cutting.

I have a few methods in mind. I have 90 pills of a benzodiazepine. I have two bottles of vodka. I am willing to be tied up and put under water. But I don't know how peaceful these methods would be. I've heard that benzo' s won't kill you before you receive medical attention (which where I live I will be found fast if I'm unconscious). I've also heard that drinking to the point of liver or kidney failure is extremely painful. And I've tried to drown myself before and it's extremely scary and painful.

I want tonight to be the night but again I'm willing to discussion of I can find a more sure and peaceful way to go. I also would love to find a partner here, hopefully a girl close to me since i find it easier to befriend women. Someone who I can form a pact with that will ensure is a peaceful journey to the next life.

I am a loving person and love to spread my love to those who are close to me as well as who I feel need it. I support anybody who has a cause and will hold your hand through the darkest of times. I can't say I hate anyone and that says a lot considering the hate that's in the world today. I wish no ill will on anyone no matter what. I only wish for people to do what's best for them. I hope people can do and feel the same for me.

Please feel free to respond in any way or nature to this. I will consider any option or opinion and am open to your insights.

Again tonight should be my night to depart. I hope it will be if I can figure out how to go peacefully and wholly.

I Love you all and I how peace and blessings in your lives. Thank you for reading this.

Love

 

[Fordprefect]

Bro, I absolutely don't want you to do it. But just in case, there's someone on this forum who needs a partner, they're in the US and as far as I know they're not in a hurry. I've drawn this persons attention to your thread, they may contact you.

Have you ever considered ODing on heroin as a method? I've recently started a megathread on that, I think it's still on the first page.

But once again, don't do it. You will die anyway, we all do, it's a question of time. Have fun, fall in love, eat, drink, smoke :) I hope you get better and get medication if you can't deal with this shit on your own.

 

[Lookingforabus]

I have a few methods in mind. I have 90 pills of a benzodiazepine. I have two bottles of vodka. I am willing to be tied up and put under water. But I don't know how peaceful these methods would be. I've heard that benzo' s won't kill you before you receive medical attention (which where I live I will be found fast if I'm unconscious). I've also heard that drinking to the point of liver or kidney failure is extremely painful. And I've tried to drown myself before and it's extremely scary and painful.

I'm going out with inert gas asphyxiation, might be what you're looking for. It'll take some time to buy supplies and setup, but so do most methods.

90 modem benzos and a couple bottle or booze are highly unlikely to get the job done, and for virtually any fatal oral poisoning, you need to take a powerful, prescription antiemetic to avoid throwing up the poison and surviving. (Which is a big part of the reason that overdose suicides have a success rate of less than 10%.)

As someone's who's tried to drink himself to death many times, I can tell you that alcohol poisoning only hurts if you survive it, but from my experience, you're going to survive it.

 

[Centerism]

Bro, I absolutely don't want you to do it. But just in case, there's someone on this forum who needs a partner, they're in the US and as far as I know they're not in a hurry. I've drawn this persons attention to your thread, they may contact you.

Have you ever considered ODing on heroin as a method? I've recently started a megathread on that, I think it's still on the first page.

But once again, don't do it. You will die anyway, we all do, it's a question of time. Have fun, fall in love, eat, drink, smoke :) I hope you get better and get medication if you can't deal with this shit on your own.

Thank you. I wish the same for you. Fall in love. Live life. Get stoned. Have a blast.

Although I am on heavy medication. Everything from xanax to elavil. They don't help.

I'm at peace with death. I really am. I've loved and lost and an afraid I'll never be loved again.

Thank you for helping me find a partner. I how someone will find me. And if so I will prolong my time and do it the right way.

You are a saint for what you've been through. And you deserve life more than any of us. I how'd you find peace. And I wish the same for myself.

Love

I'm going out with inert gas asphyxiation, might be what you're looking for. It'll take some time to buy supplies and setup, but so do most methods.

90 modem benzos and a couple bottle or booze are highly unlikely to get the job done, and for virtually any fatal oral poisoning, you need to take a powerful, prescription antiemetic to avoid throwing up the poison and surviving. (Which is a big part of the reason that overdose suicides have a success rate of less than 10%.)

As someone's who's tried to drink himself to death many times, I can tell you that alcohol poisoning only hurts if you survive it, but from my experience, you're going to survive it.

Thank you for your input. I will consider finding a "sure" way to end it. That's what I want anyway. I've been disappointed so many times before just waking up in the hospital. I just want to get it right and reappear in a peaceful state of joy.

 

[Fordprefect]

Thank you. I wish the same for you. Fall in love. Live life. Get stoned. Have a blast.

Although I am on heavy medication. Everything from xanax to elavil. They don't help.

I'm at peace with death. I really am. I've loved and lost and an afraid I'll never be loved again.

Thank you for helping me find a partner. I how someone will find me. And if so I will prolong my time and do it the right way.

You are a saint for what you've been through. And you deserve life more than any of us. I how'd you find peace. And I wish the same for myself.

Love

Well, I'm a whoreish kind of saint, a little bit on the devilish side of saintness, but I don't mind. XD

Keep strong, right?

 

[Centerism]

Well, I'm a whoreish kind of saint, a little bit on the devilish side of saintness, but I don't mind. XD

Keep strong, right?

A whorish saint is still a saint in my book. Lol. But hey at all have our proclivities. Let's learn to be great at what we love.

And yes, we need to keep strong.

 

[Centerism]

Ok it's 8 o clock here. I am giving myself till 10 or I'm just gonna wait till tomorrow. And maybe I'll give life a try again, for a bit. I still hope to be gone by winter.

 

[Centerism]

Well it passed ten o clock. Which was my time to ctb tonight. So I'll stay on here trying to help others in their decisions. I've possibly found a partner and have found a good way to end it. So I'll ctb another day and anther way. Thanks all who supported my thread.

Love