The Unwinnable War

[motel rooms]

It looks like I'm starting to accept the frightening possibility that I might never ctb, that I might end up struggling with C-PTSD for the next 40 years. I'm not rich, but I & my partner can get by even if I lose the ability to work because I rent out my parents' house to tourists & we don't need much. I've been aware of the fact that life is brutal & that everything can be taken away from me since childhood, but I simply can't surrender. I'm not hope's bitch & I'm not afraid there's an afterlife, the problem is that the animal in me is still too pig-headed & defiant. I love my husband & losing him would be a huge blow, but I'm not sure even that would finish me off.

The most important person in my life is still my dead father/molester, I'm still waging a stupid, unwinnable war against him in my head. I have to keep proving to him that I'm a "real man", that I'm strong, that I can stand all this pointless pain, that I'm tougher & smarter than him. To add insult to injury, if I shaved my beard off, I'd fucking look exactly like him. I have his voice. I even fucking sneeze as weirdly as he sneezed. When I get complimented on my looks, it feels like the person is complimenting him. The only things that are my own are my laugh (he never smiled once in his life) & my "slickness". I'm pretty sure I try so hard to appear extroverted, effortlessly confident & easy-going because he was socially awkward & paranoid. I'm not just sexually compulsive, I'm also addicted to winning people over.

I'm a bit like Don Draper, an imposter with a traumatic childhood who falls apart occasionally & will always be secretly self-destructive & miserable, but whose slick facade allows him to trick people into thinking he's reliable & worth their time. The vast majority of humans don't bother to scratch beneath the surface, it's ridiculous how easy it is to fool them & get away with being irresponsible if they like your exterior. Thank fuck I'm not str8 or bi, I would've knocked up some naive girl & fucked up both her & our kids.

 

[Snake of Eden]

i relate to what you say OP. We are constantly at war with our demons and the allure of just giving it all up. I think living a toelrable existence is a good choice too and there is nothing wrong with this as alternative to ctb. You sound to have a great life ahead of you and maybe with love from your partner slowly it may prove more healing to your damaged psyche than you would expect. Your abuser must be rolling in their grave jealous and resentful because they unintentionally given you physical attributes that helps make your life fun and better than they ever dreamed is possible after what they devilishly done to you , how is that for spiting them ;)? You won many of us here and you are like the prom king of the forum so I hope that makes you feel that you are very successful at winning. Maybe science will get advanced enough oneday so we can harness the charisma, witts and good looks of people like you so to donate it to people who are less fortunate like us just maybe :D

 

[OrcWitch]

That sounds very stressful to see his face in the mirror. This seems common for survivors of an abusive parent.

 

[summers]

Thank fuck I'm not str8 or bi, I would've knocked up some naive girl & fucked up both her & our kids.

It's incredibly easy not to get a girl pregnant. Condoms, pull out, cum in mouth or ass. Worked for about 6 years before I got a vasectomy, and I was a kid (14-19).

 

[motel rooms]

I think living a toelrable existence is a good choice too and there is nothing wrong with this as alternative to ctb. You sound to have a great life ahead of you and maybe with love from your partner slowly it may prove more healing to your damaged psyche than you would expect.

I'm highly skeptical about that, but I know that many people have it far worse than me. I know we don't say that kind of stuff on SS because it often doesn't work, but reminding myself that I haven't hit rock bottom sometimes helps me deal with my traumas.

You won many of us here and you are like the prom king of the forum so I hope that makes you feel that you are very successful at winning. Maybe science will get advanced enough oneday so we can harness the charisma, witts and good looks of people like you so to donate it to people who are less fortunate like us just maybe :D

Prom king? I'm both prom king & queen. I know I annoy many people, it's not exactly a smart move on here to admit you don't have trouble attracting sex partners , but I couldn't be honest about my life without mentioning that & what's the point of posting on SS if you can't tell the full truth? What has always made my disgusting life bearable? My looks & the fact that so many gay men are such superficial whores. How did a penniless guy manage to put himself through school despite being a traumatized sex addict? Well, he realized that someone who looks like him can do sex work & make enough money without having to bend over & get raped ever again. Did I occasionally witness fucked-up things that further traumatized me in my late teens & early 20s anyway? Yes.

What do gay guys with hypersexuality disorder talk about all the time? Well, dicks & fucking. I really am mentally ill, I want to touch my partner all the time & I sometimes masturbate until I bleed & it doesn't even hurt anymore. I'm obsessed with masculinity because I was molested by a big grown man & that tends to fuck with a boy's mind; I'm always having to prove to myself that I'm manly enough, I'm a control freak who needs other masculine men to bottom for him, I freak out when I see a top with a guy who is physically weak or still looks like a high schooler, that's who I am...

 

[summers]

I freak out when I see a top with a guy who is physically weak or still looks like a high schooler, that's who I am...

Sweet, leave the fem boys for me :)

 

[Depressed Cat]

It's not necessary to CTB if you're able to live your life without pain and misery.

I'm sorry that you're suffering from C-PTSD and that you have to live with that debilitating condition. But if you've found love and can lead an existence that's devoid of unbearable suffering, then you have every right to live on to old age.

I wish you peace and happiness in your life.

 

[little helpers]

I really don't know if I have anything to add. cuz, em, I'm half your age. fuck. but I remember seeing this on my Youtube homepage once, something along the lines of, "living at 80 y/o with CPTSD". Holocaust survivor, she is. the title itself is enough to get me avoid clicking on it. I just hope I'm not gon be clicking open some electronic 80th birthday card one day. smh.

 

[motel rooms]

That sounds very stressful to see his face in the mirror.

It is. Looking like your abuser also adds an extra twisted layer of complexity to your nightmares.

 

[motel rooms]

I remember seeing this on my Youtube homepage once, something along the lines of, "living at 80 y/o with CPTSD". Holocaust survivor, she is. the title itself is enough to get me avoid clicking on it. I just hope I'm not gon be clicking open some electronic 80th birthday card one day. smh.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I was never sexually abused by my father, only physically and verbally but I can actually relate quite a bit to feeling anxious upon looking at the mirror and seeing him. I've got the opposite dilemma where my dad had a mustache and slight beard which forces me to shave my face incessantly to avoid looking like him at the cost of appearing like a tall baby rather than a grown man. I see it in some of my habits too.

Even when I lose patience and yell at something or someone, I start internalizing it and yelling at myself more for being like him. My dad didn't even enter a relationship until he was 37 and part of why I plan to kill myself while I'm 28 is because I can already see my life heading into that direction no matter how hard I tried to avoid becoming like him. He was both physically and intellectually strong so I've dedicated my life to being mediocre/dumb and have shunned physical fitness altogether.

I can see how I could be considered lucky that I don't currently have anyone I care enough about to stay alive for. I don't envy your situation one bit and hope things even if sometimes I've wished I was the slightest bit gay or bi so that I could get at least be getting sexual gratification but like you mentioned, even if I were to get that from a woman I'd probably just end up ruining her and any kids' lives instead…

 

[Silenos]

a huge blow, but I'm not sure even that would finish me off.

I'm sorry to point this out on a serious post, but I could not get past this part without a stupid smirk on my face.

On a serious note I do also hate the parts of my face that remind me of my mother, ugh. I understand why you want to keep fighting this war.

 

[GentlyFading]

Thank you for posting this! I feel far less alone in the terror of growing up and looking like my abuser. Sorry I don't have much else to say other than... thank you <3

 

[motel rooms]

Thank you for posting this! I feel far less alone in the terror of growing up and looking like my abuser. Sorry I don't have much else to say other than... thank you <3

 

[motel rooms]

Really? You picked this thread to try to insult me? Yes, I read your comment before you deleted it. The fact that I'm obsessed with masculinity because I was molested doesn't mean that I have a problem with "fembois" & women. Not being sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you hate them, just like being hypersexual doesn't mean that you hate asexuals.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I can't recover the deleted comment from the user for some reason. If you could remember who was the user, please, tell us and we will investigate them.

I know it's hard to know you might never be able to ctb. I'm kinda in this situation now and there is a lot of guilt in my head for a lot of reasons, add that to pain and the torment from the past and fear of the future, the result is very unpleasant.

Words won't suffice, but still, needs to be said: You don't need to prove anyone that you're tougher and smarter than him. You're already tougher, smarter, a much better human than him by not being a molester. You're also honorable and courageous. We know who is the real man.

Your partner is lucky to have you close.

 

[motel rooms]

I was never sexually abused by my father, only physically and verbally

I'm sorry he did that to you. Does he ever try to contact you?

I can't recover the deleted comment from the user for some reason. If you could remember who was the user, please, tell us and we will investigate them.

It doesn't matter, they deleted the comment quickly. It's silly how people misinterpret things. I want to make it clear that I don't have a problem with femininity (women & "stereotypically gay" men) & asexuality.

I know it's hard to know you might never be able to ctb. I'm kinda in this situation now and there is a lot of guilt in my head for a lot of reasons, add that to pain and the torment from the past and fear of the future, the result is very unpleasant.

Yes, facing that possibility is really scary. Everything is always so damn complicated.

You're already tougher, smarter, a much better human than him by not being a molester. You're also honorable and courageous.
Your partner is lucky to have you close.

Thank you, you're always very sweet.

 

[LastFlowers]

it's ridiculous how easy it is to fool them & get away with being irresponsible if they like your exterior

Very true of this superficial society.
Must be why I've never gotten away with anything in my life, even the smallest things that everyone else did ten times over, people would want to knock my teeth out for a mere foot-in-mouth moment, or for simply standing there and existing.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm sorry he did that to you. Does he ever try to contact you?

Sometimes. He doesn't have my real email address or phone number at least.

 

[LastFlowers]

I'm sorry to point this out on a serious post, but I could not get past this part without a stupid smirk on my face.

On a serious note I do also hate the parts of my face that remind me of my mother, ugh. I understand why you want to keep fighting this war.

The way I see it, even if I had physical traits of the people I hated or who directly (or even indirectly) wronged me, as long as they were favorable, I wouldn't mind at all.
Because none of us chose our inherent appearance, we had no say, we had no chance to cultivate it outside of grooming and adornments, so in that sense, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are, or at least it shouldn't, other than the way in which our looks shape our growth, in how we are treated and seen by others, that can all certainly have an effect on who we are.
However, besides that, the decisions we make are a separate matter, so I hope OP (@hotelbeneathground) can come to the possible conclusion that his father's looks were not the man inside, not the perpetrator, just a vessel, a skin, and perhaps he can give that skin a better name and better values than his father ever did, use it for good.

Still, I do appreciate that there is probably a visceral knee-jerk reaction to seeing the physical reflection of someone who abused you, and that much will be difficult to overcome.

Maybe science will get advanced enough oneday so we can harness the charisma, witts and good looks of people like you so to donate it to people who are less fortunate like us just maybe :D

It's called "the halo effect", and I think we would all be remiss to continue contributing to it.

, but I couldn't be honest about my life without mentioning that & what's the point of posting on SS if you can't tell the full truth? What has always made my disgusting life bearable? My looks

I think it might actually be a good idea to be honest about this, as long as it's not taken too far, because it actually gives credence to the pleas of those who want to kill themselves for the opposite reason.
For instance, what makes your life somewhat bearable..well, the inverse makes my own life unbearable. So in saying what you have, you admit how much a thing like appearances matter. And most people in your position usually insist on downplaying that fact, sometimes even trying to turn a privilege into something worse than lacking that privilege.
Sort of like how rich people tell poor people that money doesn't matter and that it hasn't done a damn decent thing for them (blatant lies). Some people don't realize what they have until they lose it, at least you're aware.
It is refreshing to see someone who can recognize a blessing (however unfortunate it is to be one) amongst the pile of shit.
None of this to deny your trauma of course, a privilege doesn't make one immune to suffering.

 

[motel rooms]

Very true of this superficial society.
Must be why I've never gotten away with anything in my life, even the smallest things that everyone else did ten times over, people would want to knock my teeth out for a mere foot-in-mouth moment, or for simply standing there and existing.

Lookism is so real, it's pathetic when people refuse to acknowledge that they benefit from their good looks.

Still, I do appreciate that there is probably a visceral knee-jerk reaction to seeing the physical reflection of someone who abused you, and that much will be difficult to overcome.

Yes, it's a visceral thing. It's virtually impossible to control it after waking up from a nightmare of abuse. Plus, I'm not exaggerating one bit when I say I look & sound like his damn identical twin brother, especially now that I'm 40.

Sometimes. He doesn't have my real email address or phone number at least.

He's pretty old, isn't he? Pushing 70? People often get all remorseful at that age.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm sorry to point this out on a serious post, but I could not get past this part without a stupid smirk on my face.

You sex-obsessed people are absolutely revolting!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

He's pretty old, isn't he? Pushing 70? People often get all remorseful at that age.

Yeah he turns 67 this year though I'd probably wait until he's fully senile to even consider interacting with him.

 

[motel rooms]

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains
He still remains...

-- Paul Simon

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