The truth is that I don't really know what's going to happen to me...

[WornOutLife]

Okay, I've survived one more week in spite of experiencing lots of suicidal thoughts, anxiety and almost panic attacks every single day.
I'm being a productive human being again and many people are proud of me because they know I wanted to ctb last year and that I had even become a NEET for almost 3 years.

However, I'm still suicidal. Fighting everyday is exhausting!!!!! How can normal people do this until they're 80!!!!?

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep on fighting but I don't wanna ruin my dad's life and it would be awesome to experience some epic stuff before leaving this world such as visiting the country of my dreams: Japan!!

I just don't know what's gonna happen with me!!

Can anyone relate? Anybody else who's losing their way, confused, lost, etc?

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

"How can I be lost, if I've got nowhere to go?"

 

[Celerity]

Like I've said before, I don't think I'll really be done with the survival instinct or those nagging "what if?" questions until I put a bullet in my brain. I think about my parents too. I wish I had never told them about my suicidal ideation. Then they might feel less guilty about my death.

 

[WornOutLife]

"How can I be lost, if I've got nowhere to go?"

I'm deffo gonna write this down! Ty 4 sharing!

Like I've said before, I don't think I'll really be done with the survival instinct or those nagging "what if?" questions until I put a bullet in my brain. I think about my parents too. I wish I had never told them about my suicidal ideation. Then they might feel less guilty about my death.

I totally get what you mean!!!
Supressing the SI is sooo difficult...
Alcohol and sleeping pills help but if I want to ctb by SN that won't work! :(

Whatever happens to us, wish you the best bro. You're really nice!

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I deffo gonna write this down! Ty 4 sharing!

Credits go to Metallica.

 

[Symbiote]

I notice different quirks and things I do that I never done before. Most recently, taking long walks in either direction while talking to myself and fidgeting with my hands. Do you ever develop something like that when you feel down?

 

[WornOutLife]

I notice different quirks and things I do that I never done before. Most recently, taking long walks in either direction while talking to myself and fidgeting with my hands. Do you ever develop something like that when you feel down?

Ohh, yes!!! Absolutely!
Not only when I'm down but also when I'm worried and anxious (every working day basically lol).
I walk in circles in my small apartment and move my hands a lot!
Are we going crazy? lol

 

[FuneralCry]

Nobody knows what will happen to them. Some random fate determines everything and the universe loves to act against our intentions. I feel lost all the time, I ask myself 'why am I still alive' every day. Life literally is just surviving, it isn't enjoyable. And its all pointless in the end.

 

[whywere]

Hi Matt! Well lets see, I am 65 and I have only 15 years to go till 80. Through all the year it has REALLY been a roller coaster ride. Some ups and a lot of downs. BUT, I try so very hard each and every day to open my eyes, get out of bed, make a pot of tea and try and help this world and our global family here. Now you have a long life in store for you, think of going to Japan someday. I have traveled a lot, mostly for business, when I had a job!, and it is awesome!! all of the people, places, experiences that await you, like Japan, WILL be GREAT. I remember my times meeting lots of people, heck I did not know their language and they mine, but we figured it out and I always had a great time. Matt, you are a beautiful, kind, very thoughtful soul and just think of the trip to Japan someday. Sending you lots of hugs and have a cocktail for me tomorrow! Walter

 

[NormaJeane]

No, I can not understand either how normal people manage to live 80 years, but maybe they are not normal. The whole body will decay as time goes on. One of my teeth broke today, so I have to go to the dentist. When I get older, another tooth will break. Later in life, my whole body will break and I will end up in a wheelchair. That is why euthansia exists.

 

[Sunset Limited]

The only thing between me and death is my mother. If my mother wasn't alive, I would happily catch the bus tonight. Life forces me to live. They put my mother in front of the exit door. I don't know how long I can last this. My exit ticket is about to expire.

 

[Beachedwhale]

Yes, I really need to try to improve my life but I keep getting worse. Every waking moment I'm filled with regret and dissatisfaction and comparison and despair. But if I don't at least try then I think Id have too much SI to ctb.

I need to get healthy and eat properly and exercise and sort out my sleep and get a job and fix my acne and go to meetups and Ill hopefully do that soon. If that doesnt work then maybe ill try psychedelics. If that doesn't work then it's over.

But even just doing those things is hard. I've been trying to do them for years now. Well not really trying. Im a wreck. So much social anxiety/cptsd and depression.

 

[Celerity]

Yes, I really need to try to improve my life but I keep getting worse. Every waking moment I'm filled with regret and dissatisfaction and comparison and despair. But if I don't at least try then I think Id have too much SI to ctb.

I need to get healthy and eat properly and exercise and sort out my sleep and get a job and fix my acne and go to meetups and Ill hopefully do that soon. If that doesnt work then maybe ill try psychedelics. If that doesn't work then it's over.

But even just doing those things is hard. I've been trying to do them for years now. Well not really trying. Im a wreck. So much social anxiety/cptsd and depression.

I could have written this. All of the above. I actually manage to get some endorphins from exercise now. It's kind of nice. Not as nice as ice cream and booze though, so.....

 

[Beachedwhale]

I could have written this. All of the above. I actually manage to get some endorphins from exercise now. It's kind of nice. Not as nice as ice cream and booze though, so.....

I don't want to do cardio because apparently it can exacerbate rosacea and I think I might have it. It is also not good for something else (forgot lol). Do you just do cardio? What regrets do you have?

I want to lift weights... As I've been wanting to for literally a decade... But need to overcome some mental blocks like stupid social anxiety and be careful as I have back issues... And try to stop regretting that I didn't do it in the prime years

 

[Celerity]

I don't want to do cardio because apparently it can exacerbate rosacea and I think I might have it. It is also not good for something else (forgot lol). Do you just do cardio?

I want to lift weights... As I've been wanting to for literally a decade... But need to overcome some mental blocks like stupid social anxiety and be careful as I have back issues... And try to stop regretting that I didn't do it in the prime years

I mainly do cardio via the elliptical as the goal is weight loss. I'm a chick though, so I don't care as much about lifting tough I know I should.

 

[Beachedwhale]

I mainly do cardio via the elliptical as the goal is weight loss. I'm a chick though, so I don't care as much about lifting tough I know I should.

Worth looking into... Building some muscle causes fat loss

 

[Celerity]

Worth looking into... Building some muscle causes fat loss

I know, but cardio for now offers a better effort:reward ratio.

 

[loopylou]

I don't know how much longer I can deal with people for. My tolerance is getting real short and I'm going to end up arrested for beating or some shit lol.

 

[Celerity]

I don't know how much longer I can deal with people for. My tolerance is getting real short and I'm going to end up arrested for beating or some shit lol.

Hey, I don't mean to pry, but is that you in the profile pic? I always wonder about these modern-appearing, realistic photos.

 

[loopylou]

Hey, I don't mean to pry, but is that you in the profile pic? I always wonder about these modern-appearing, realistic photos.

Yes that's me I'm afraid :)

 

[Celerity]

Yes that's me I'm afraid :)

Afraid? I can't completely tell with the drink covering much of your face, but what I see looks pretty nice.

 

[WornOutLife]

I don't know how much longer I can deal with people for. My tolerance is getting real short and I'm going to end up arrested for beating or some shit lol.

We just need some booze!
Hope u join me tomorrow!

 

[loopylou]

Afraid? I can't completely tell with the drink covering much of your face, but what I see looks pretty nice.

Ah the joys of a good filter ;)

We just need some booze!
Hope u join me tomorrow!

My neighbours drove me to drink tonight

 

[Beachedwhale]

Yes that's me I'm afraid gorgeous :)

 

[motel rooms]

I'm neither lost nor confused. I'm way past the "this is not really happening" stage

 

[sad]

I feel the exact same way. Making it through every week is just WORK. I don't know how people actually look forward to living decades longer.

 

[LoupDeFeu]

Okay, I've survived one more week in spite of experiencing lots of suicidal thoughts, anxiety and almost panic attacks every single day.
I'm being a productive human being again and many people are proud of me because they know I wanted to ctb last year and that I had even become a NEET for almost 3 years.

However, I'm still suicidal. Fighting everyday is exhausting!!!!! How can normal people do this until they're 80!!!!?

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep on fighting but I don't wanna ruin my dad's life and it would be awesome to experience some epic stuff before leaving this world such as visiting the country of my dreams: Japan!!

I just don't know what's gonna happen with me!!

Can anyone relate? Anybody else who's losing their way, confused, lost, etc?

I can relate. I've been fighting really hard to be a person again, like you described, instead of being a prisoner of depression and panic attacks. It's so hard. I don't know how people just do it without thinking of dying.

 

[Curiousoutlook]

I'm kinda same like you. Friend/family in the way of me ctb, but I think I still will eventually soon. It like the point where I'm at in life, just despair of life. I just want to rest and not worry about these problems anymore because there shouldn't be a reason to be worrying about to begin with. I've also been drinking a lot the last couple weeks, but eh.
But, what I can tell you; Japan is super fun to go visit. I was fortunately to visit there 2 years ago and the people are very nice people there unlike the state where I'm at. A lot of scenery to see and great yummy food to try.

 

[Bullit]

Yes that's me I'm afraid :)

LOL we love ya,loop!

 

[8hidden_emotions8]

I think you should definitely see Japan before you decide anything with ctb. It seems like it is very important to you. And I feel you, I'm not sure how long before I give into my suicidal thoughts and since not every one struggles with them, they'll live longer. I've been trying to put my ctb off cuz I want to do "cool" things before I do.