Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
Greetings. My name is ____________________. I was born on the West Coast of the USA. Born to a woman who was a modern day "Mommie Dearest." Only we were poor and my mom didn't drink. She was an only child. She had no family. Her and my dad weren't married. I saw him now and then and I loved him. One day, he left. I asked my mom night after night, "Mommy, when is daddy coming home?" She would always say "soon." One day I stopped asking. I never saw him again. Soon after, I would find her on her bed crying. She started screaming at me and beating me indiscriminately. I was beaten with a tennis racket, belt, yardstick, broomstick, shoes. She told me "my life is miserable because of you." I was forced to cook and clean to a standard that was beyond the young years of 8-10, and was punished and shamed for evert infraction. One day my mom left me on the doorstep of my dad's house when I was 6. No one was home and I was on the porch for hours till the neighbors took me in and called the police.
I was the victim of Munchausen syndrome, but instead of making my physically ill, my mom made it seem as if I was a mentally ill child that drove her crazy, taking me all over town to different schools getting sympathy for being a "poor black single mom." The bleeding-heart white liberals ate it up. When I was 7, she put me in the hospital. I experienced getting psychiatric drugs experimented on me, seclusion and restraint, and getting shots in my butt where I would pass out and have side effects from the medication, one time I peed myself while strapped down to a bed and I lie in it for hours.
At 11 DCFS took me from the home and thus began a string of moving from facility, to group home to institution, and my behavior now stared acting out. No one got me therapy. The foster care system doesn't try to rehabilitate kids. I became a criminal and was seen as a juvenile delinquent. All the symptoms from trauma began to manifest and would continue to do so for the rest of my life and all though my teen years. First my childhood was robbed, now so were my teen years. I longed to go to a normal high school, go to the mall and movies, have boyfriends and friends. But instead I led a life of going to continuations schools, locked up in all kinds of institutions, where there was so much abuse, neglect. I was always angry and having tantrums. I always wondered why I was the one "in jail" while my mom was free? How was this fair when I was the one who was abused? Why was I the one being punished?
I was obese as a child. It started after I was 7, I began eating so much. It was the only comfort I knew and this habit has been with me till this day. I was bullied and teased by my peers and ADULTS. I was physically assaulted by kids much older than me, only to watch adults stand by and do nothing, or shame me because I was a big kid and sometimes would get bullied by kids half my size. I was so timid and scared. It's racist, since I am a black girl, I am supposed to be violent and fight. I wasn't the kind of black girl depicted on Reality Shows. I was scared. I wanted someone to protect me. I didn't know how to for myself.
One-time girls gave me a cup of pee and told me it was apple juice and when it sipped it, they laughed at me. When had tantrums, staff would jump on me pin me down and drag me away to a room to be locked up in. Hugging was against the rules. It was so cold. No one cared. It was all about being compliant and following the rules. Imagine being locked up with a bunch of youth that come from abuse and dysfunction all in one place!
I graduated from high school in my 25th placement. I went there for 5 months. It was racist and I was called a "n…..r" several times. On graduation day, I walked across a stage of racist white people, with no one for me in the crowd. On the loud speaker they announced that I had a scholarship from the LA County Probation department. The crowd laughed. 3000 people.
I dropped out of college after having symptoms that I know now was BPD. Suicide attempt in dorm. Had no family or help. I was left on the doorstep of a university, after 18 years of non-stop abuse, and trauma. No diagnosis, no therapy.
I ended up homeless, and trying to make like work. I got into government programs and non-profits that would help post-foster youth and mental health services. For the next 22 years. It was a blur of trying to survive. Losing jobs. Not being able to keep a roof over my head. Looking for love and always getting something dysfunctional and getting hurt. I had so many dreams, nothing ever happened. I was so messed up that I just could not sustain the normal activities of life in the areas of" Education, employment, social circle, religion, romantic relationships, a bad marriage…… I was set up to fail. My life followed the tragic trajectory towards an inevitable failure because I was broken.
My mom didn't' t want me, society didn't want me. The men I loved didn't want me. I always feel inferior, worthless, angry. I felt robbed in every way. To have such a life beginning and to be a female, obese minority who is emotionally compromised too much.
All I ever wanted was love. I learn that by simply wanting it as bad as I did pretty much guarantee I would never get it. It seemed the best way to get love was to not want or need it at all.
My question is, what the fuck was this life? What was all this meaningless suffering for? Why?
I was the victim of Munchausen syndrome, but instead of making my physically ill, my mom made it seem as if I was a mentally ill child that drove her crazy, taking me all over town to different schools getting sympathy for being a "poor black single mom." The bleeding-heart white liberals ate it up. When I was 7, she put me in the hospital. I experienced getting psychiatric drugs experimented on me, seclusion and restraint, and getting shots in my butt where I would pass out and have side effects from the medication, one time I peed myself while strapped down to a bed and I lie in it for hours.
At 11 DCFS took me from the home and thus began a string of moving from facility, to group home to institution, and my behavior now stared acting out. No one got me therapy. The foster care system doesn't try to rehabilitate kids. I became a criminal and was seen as a juvenile delinquent. All the symptoms from trauma began to manifest and would continue to do so for the rest of my life and all though my teen years. First my childhood was robbed, now so were my teen years. I longed to go to a normal high school, go to the mall and movies, have boyfriends and friends. But instead I led a life of going to continuations schools, locked up in all kinds of institutions, where there was so much abuse, neglect. I was always angry and having tantrums. I always wondered why I was the one "in jail" while my mom was free? How was this fair when I was the one who was abused? Why was I the one being punished?
I was obese as a child. It started after I was 7, I began eating so much. It was the only comfort I knew and this habit has been with me till this day. I was bullied and teased by my peers and ADULTS. I was physically assaulted by kids much older than me, only to watch adults stand by and do nothing, or shame me because I was a big kid and sometimes would get bullied by kids half my size. I was so timid and scared. It's racist, since I am a black girl, I am supposed to be violent and fight. I wasn't the kind of black girl depicted on Reality Shows. I was scared. I wanted someone to protect me. I didn't know how to for myself.
One-time girls gave me a cup of pee and told me it was apple juice and when it sipped it, they laughed at me. When had tantrums, staff would jump on me pin me down and drag me away to a room to be locked up in. Hugging was against the rules. It was so cold. No one cared. It was all about being compliant and following the rules. Imagine being locked up with a bunch of youth that come from abuse and dysfunction all in one place!
I graduated from high school in my 25th placement. I went there for 5 months. It was racist and I was called a "n…..r" several times. On graduation day, I walked across a stage of racist white people, with no one for me in the crowd. On the loud speaker they announced that I had a scholarship from the LA County Probation department. The crowd laughed. 3000 people.
I dropped out of college after having symptoms that I know now was BPD. Suicide attempt in dorm. Had no family or help. I was left on the doorstep of a university, after 18 years of non-stop abuse, and trauma. No diagnosis, no therapy.
I ended up homeless, and trying to make like work. I got into government programs and non-profits that would help post-foster youth and mental health services. For the next 22 years. It was a blur of trying to survive. Losing jobs. Not being able to keep a roof over my head. Looking for love and always getting something dysfunctional and getting hurt. I had so many dreams, nothing ever happened. I was so messed up that I just could not sustain the normal activities of life in the areas of" Education, employment, social circle, religion, romantic relationships, a bad marriage…… I was set up to fail. My life followed the tragic trajectory towards an inevitable failure because I was broken.
My mom didn't' t want me, society didn't want me. The men I loved didn't want me. I always feel inferior, worthless, angry. I felt robbed in every way. To have such a life beginning and to be a female, obese minority who is emotionally compromised too much.
All I ever wanted was love. I learn that by simply wanting it as bad as I did pretty much guarantee I would never get it. It seemed the best way to get love was to not want or need it at all.
My question is, what the fuck was this life? What was all this meaningless suffering for? Why?
