wanttogetonthebus
chronically unlucky
- Nov 27, 2021
- 387
I get one more shot before I go ahead with my CTB arrangements officially. If this last attempt to save my life fails, I will have exhausted all my options. To continue to live will look like this -
1. Watching my friends and my parents get old, sick, and die
2. Being alone and dealing with my unrelenting chronic health condition which makes me suffer every second and to which I have no social support for in my daily life. Unsustainable.
3. Having to deal and engage with work, bills, societal happenings such as the pandemic and elections. Having to do all those effortful unpleasantries, just to sustain a miserable existence.
4. Having to watch myself eventually get old, sick, and waste await. Having to see my body fail me more than it already has. And then still being confronted with the same dead-end situation but worse.
5. Tortured by memories of how good things were in the past back when my body was healthy. I could rely on myself only and take care of my own needs. I truly loved being alive back then and I had the strength and energy to explore and engage meaningfully with the world. It's indescribably painful to not be 'dead' yet to have all that taken away from me.
6. From everything I mentioned above including existing bad habits I already had but could still cope with in the past like procrastination and generally low energy levels/motivation, all of these things mean that I am no longer able to sustain necessary life activities in a way that derives me even close to any equivalent satisfaction. My will to live, to have hope for the future, to do the 'work' and 'grind' of life, to find personal meaning and personal happiness within the rat race, is broken. I'm broken. And it can't get better. It can only get worse. My health condition is incurable.
CBT is clearly the best option for me if my last attempt to compensate fails. I will have done my best. I've experienced more than my fair share of pain and suffering during the course of my life despite my young age. But I also had clear lucid moments where I was happy and healthy and on top of the world. Those moments can not be recovered. The time is drawing close for me to take my leave. Should that occur as likely is to as everything continues to lead up to it, 2022 will be the last act, the grand finale to this clown show. Everything I've ever known and feel erased from existence as is dictated for everyone in the end regardless on whether or not they want or wanted to die. I'm cutting to the chase, I'm cutting my losses. Death can not undo what was done, the joys I experienced were real and authentic and they happened. But what death can do for me 100%, is strip me away from the future, a painful future that I'd be better off not living. A future entirely avoidable and opt-outable, and that's why CTB in my case is rationally necessary and ethical though still the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And that's how I truly see CTB as it relates to my needs, a complete cure to a miserable future that would otherwise be unavoidable. If the last ditch effort I mentioned fails, I will continue to post to this forum and give progress updates regarding my specific CBT plan and preparation. Everything I do from that point onward will be about ensuring that I do not fail my attempt. Thanks everyone for your support from the day I joined this forum and I wish you that you all find happiness and peace.
1. Watching my friends and my parents get old, sick, and die
2. Being alone and dealing with my unrelenting chronic health condition which makes me suffer every second and to which I have no social support for in my daily life. Unsustainable.
3. Having to deal and engage with work, bills, societal happenings such as the pandemic and elections. Having to do all those effortful unpleasantries, just to sustain a miserable existence.
4. Having to watch myself eventually get old, sick, and waste await. Having to see my body fail me more than it already has. And then still being confronted with the same dead-end situation but worse.
5. Tortured by memories of how good things were in the past back when my body was healthy. I could rely on myself only and take care of my own needs. I truly loved being alive back then and I had the strength and energy to explore and engage meaningfully with the world. It's indescribably painful to not be 'dead' yet to have all that taken away from me.
6. From everything I mentioned above including existing bad habits I already had but could still cope with in the past like procrastination and generally low energy levels/motivation, all of these things mean that I am no longer able to sustain necessary life activities in a way that derives me even close to any equivalent satisfaction. My will to live, to have hope for the future, to do the 'work' and 'grind' of life, to find personal meaning and personal happiness within the rat race, is broken. I'm broken. And it can't get better. It can only get worse. My health condition is incurable.
CBT is clearly the best option for me if my last attempt to compensate fails. I will have done my best. I've experienced more than my fair share of pain and suffering during the course of my life despite my young age. But I also had clear lucid moments where I was happy and healthy and on top of the world. Those moments can not be recovered. The time is drawing close for me to take my leave. Should that occur as likely is to as everything continues to lead up to it, 2022 will be the last act, the grand finale to this clown show. Everything I've ever known and feel erased from existence as is dictated for everyone in the end regardless on whether or not they want or wanted to die. I'm cutting to the chase, I'm cutting my losses. Death can not undo what was done, the joys I experienced were real and authentic and they happened. But what death can do for me 100%, is strip me away from the future, a painful future that I'd be better off not living. A future entirely avoidable and opt-outable, and that's why CTB in my case is rationally necessary and ethical though still the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And that's how I truly see CTB as it relates to my needs, a complete cure to a miserable future that would otherwise be unavoidable. If the last ditch effort I mentioned fails, I will continue to post to this forum and give progress updates regarding my specific CBT plan and preparation. Everything I do from that point onward will be about ensuring that I do not fail my attempt. Thanks everyone for your support from the day I joined this forum and I wish you that you all find happiness and peace.
