Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
If all goes as planned then I'm gonna be gone before the end of this month.
Now that my time is almost up I find myself feeling a lot of things...
Feeling bitter about how I let certain people treat me.
Feeling sad for the ones that treated me well and how little those people are/were
Feeling sad that I can't even find much enjoyment in these last moments. Like I'm just fully over everything tbh.
I thought maybe in these last moments with the weight of whether I'm dying or not off my shoulders I can just fucking not care. Do nothing and not be bored. That kinda thing.
But I've spent the last 2 months relaxing or trying to and getting bored and trying to live type bullshit so I'm not suprised that I'm bored. But I won't allow myself to even entertain the aspect of living. I won't allow myself the pain of that.
I would've just loved to really... enjoy? Ya kno... even just a week or 2 like damn.
Today I'm feeling bitter & bored. The cannabis dispensary doesn't open till 10am. Sooo waiting to order but I think I can pre-order? Anyway. A bit of cannabis might take some edge off a lil... / probs a lot so that's nice....
Otherwise I'm just bored waiting for my method. Got enough food/snacks. Nothing is imminent soo I'm just... here...
It's a bit frustrating bc likeee I hate boredom. My ADHD hates boredom. Makes me wanna get up and do things but... if I'm just doing things to pass time and no expectations thennnn maybeee it wouldn't be too bad I dunno.
I can't handle anymore painful days or nights. No one in my life will ever wrap their head around how painful life has gotten for me or how freaking awful it makes me feel bc I wanted to keep trying. I wanted to see the change. I wanted to see a shift buttttt nope... just pain. I cannot "wait for things to get better" or "withstand these painful days & nights in the hope that something changes" like no. That is beyond my already full capcity.
Such a joke too like "yeahh ik these times are earrth shattering levels of painful but just keep going and it'll change eventually" like who the fuck?
Who can even do that and why would anyone want to honestly. Im not made of some unbreakable material. Im human just like everyone else but no one see's me as that. They view me as this unbreakable strong person and im not im fucking human. I probs have less tolerance than most due to all the trauma in my life. I've only experienced some of the most mundane good experiences in life like being valued, loved, loving myself etc in the last 2 yrs. Experiences a lot of people take for granted bc it's the norm. It wasn't for me. (Not discounting or dismissing other victims/survivors of abuse)
Soo yeahh just my own rant about things tbh... I might take my ADHD meds and clean up a lil. The microwave could use a clean & so could my clothes on the floor. Could clear the way for my knitting and could do some of that... but honestly? Eh.
Likeeee will cleaning up truly fulfill that bored part of me? Will interacting or engaging do it? (Will probs just find it triggering so nah)
I meannnnn... I can't lie the clothes are kinda bothering me?
I feel like to do proper planning for said method... I do need a clean space.
Buttttt I dunno if I wanna do that today. Anyway. Just the struggles of waiting to die tbh.
Tbh I guess today I did just wanna spend it relaxing & sleeping as much as possible. Relaxing for an ADHD brain is more active tho/has to be.
Today isn't a kinda brain day in which I can muster up the motivation or strength without my meds. They'll also wake me up so it's a bit of a risk.
I'm already sleepy tho as I'm writing this so I think ima jus chill. Find some shows & movies I want to watch/haven't in awhile... tbh it's pointless in my brain to even plan until I physically have my method in front of me so for now it's about getting by.
Getting by shall look different day to day.
Today I think it'll be: sleeping, eating, watching tv shows & movies. Orrr it'll be takin meds and cleaning up. Doing some active self care things. That kinda thing.
Well I'm sleepy but restless.
I ordered the capsules & I am also waiting on my Amazon order.
So took my meds and gonna do some clean up/ last lil bit of clean up.
Im doing everything I can to make these last few weeks the most comfortable as possible.
As relaxed as possible. As like self serving as possible.
I've never been one to be selfish in life. It goes against everything I am as a person. I get joy out of being able to support people in little or big ways.
Makes me sad to think about bc I just recently got a job offer / honorarium based job offer? From the peer support group I attend. Didn't have to do an interview bc the 2 facilitators vouched for me. Which was/is amazing... one of the few things I'm very confident in is peer support.
Ugh I have so much to live for but the pain of living has swallowed me up. I guess I dont HAVE to die. I guess I can change my mind anytime. Just seems like everytime I change my mind it hurts. The pain is almost like this proof that me aiming to live is some flippant fucking joke that I'm playing with myself.
Honestly.... the painful days/nights are something I could withstand if I knew the change of no longer being suffocated by suicidality was near. But tell me how and why it's just getting worse. Why im being more suffocated.
I don't even have expectations beyond not being suffocated by suicidality. Maybe a lil joy here and there... is that too much to ask??
Like fr fr....
I spent too much money on bills, home essentials for the month, food for the month, etc to buy SN right now needa wait till the middle of this week.
so in a sense I played myself with that buttt 
comfort/security around having enough of things matters more 
Haaa I'm doing it again. I'm getting all inquisitive about the future and "what if" in regards to living...
Is it ok to change my mind so often? Is it ok to flux and flow THIS MUCH?
If I keep struggling against this suicidality WILL IT CHANGE?
Its clear I still have hesitations about killing myself and honestly I'm not sure if that's a good thing or if it just makes me a fucking moron...
I dunno.
If you've read this far thank you. If you just skimmed thnx. If you looked at this post and went "woahh too long" and skipped thnx also lolol
Now that my time is almost up I find myself feeling a lot of things...
Feeling bitter about how I let certain people treat me.
Feeling sad for the ones that treated me well and how little those people are/were
Feeling sad that I can't even find much enjoyment in these last moments. Like I'm just fully over everything tbh.
I thought maybe in these last moments with the weight of whether I'm dying or not off my shoulders I can just fucking not care. Do nothing and not be bored. That kinda thing.
But I've spent the last 2 months relaxing or trying to and getting bored and trying to live type bullshit so I'm not suprised that I'm bored. But I won't allow myself to even entertain the aspect of living. I won't allow myself the pain of that.
I would've just loved to really... enjoy? Ya kno... even just a week or 2 like damn.
Today I'm feeling bitter & bored. The cannabis dispensary doesn't open till 10am. Sooo waiting to order but I think I can pre-order? Anyway. A bit of cannabis might take some edge off a lil... / probs a lot so that's nice....
Otherwise I'm just bored waiting for my method. Got enough food/snacks. Nothing is imminent soo I'm just... here...
It's a bit frustrating bc likeee I hate boredom. My ADHD hates boredom. Makes me wanna get up and do things but... if I'm just doing things to pass time and no expectations thennnn maybeee it wouldn't be too bad I dunno.
I can't handle anymore painful days or nights. No one in my life will ever wrap their head around how painful life has gotten for me or how freaking awful it makes me feel bc I wanted to keep trying. I wanted to see the change. I wanted to see a shift buttttt nope... just pain. I cannot "wait for things to get better" or "withstand these painful days & nights in the hope that something changes" like no. That is beyond my already full capcity.
Such a joke too like "yeahh ik these times are earrth shattering levels of painful but just keep going and it'll change eventually" like who the fuck?
Who can even do that and why would anyone want to honestly. Im not made of some unbreakable material. Im human just like everyone else but no one see's me as that. They view me as this unbreakable strong person and im not im fucking human. I probs have less tolerance than most due to all the trauma in my life. I've only experienced some of the most mundane good experiences in life like being valued, loved, loving myself etc in the last 2 yrs. Experiences a lot of people take for granted bc it's the norm. It wasn't for me. (Not discounting or dismissing other victims/survivors of abuse)
Soo yeahh just my own rant about things tbh... I might take my ADHD meds and clean up a lil. The microwave could use a clean & so could my clothes on the floor. Could clear the way for my knitting and could do some of that... but honestly? Eh.
Likeeee will cleaning up truly fulfill that bored part of me? Will interacting or engaging do it? (Will probs just find it triggering so nah)
I meannnnn... I can't lie the clothes are kinda bothering me?
I feel like to do proper planning for said method... I do need a clean space.
Buttttt I dunno if I wanna do that today. Anyway. Just the struggles of waiting to die tbh.
Tbh I guess today I did just wanna spend it relaxing & sleeping as much as possible. Relaxing for an ADHD brain is more active tho/has to be.
Today isn't a kinda brain day in which I can muster up the motivation or strength without my meds. They'll also wake me up so it's a bit of a risk.
I'm already sleepy tho as I'm writing this so I think ima jus chill. Find some shows & movies I want to watch/haven't in awhile... tbh it's pointless in my brain to even plan until I physically have my method in front of me so for now it's about getting by.
Getting by shall look different day to day.
Today I think it'll be: sleeping, eating, watching tv shows & movies. Orrr it'll be takin meds and cleaning up. Doing some active self care things. That kinda thing.
Well I'm sleepy but restless.
I ordered the capsules & I am also waiting on my Amazon order.
So took my meds and gonna do some clean up/ last lil bit of clean up.
Im doing everything I can to make these last few weeks the most comfortable as possible.
As relaxed as possible. As like self serving as possible.
I've never been one to be selfish in life. It goes against everything I am as a person. I get joy out of being able to support people in little or big ways.
Makes me sad to think about bc I just recently got a job offer / honorarium based job offer? From the peer support group I attend. Didn't have to do an interview bc the 2 facilitators vouched for me. Which was/is amazing... one of the few things I'm very confident in is peer support.
Ugh I have so much to live for but the pain of living has swallowed me up. I guess I dont HAVE to die. I guess I can change my mind anytime. Just seems like everytime I change my mind it hurts. The pain is almost like this proof that me aiming to live is some flippant fucking joke that I'm playing with myself.
Honestly.... the painful days/nights are something I could withstand if I knew the change of no longer being suffocated by suicidality was near. But tell me how and why it's just getting worse. Why im being more suffocated.
I don't even have expectations beyond not being suffocated by suicidality. Maybe a lil joy here and there... is that too much to ask??
Like fr fr....
I spent too much money on bills, home essentials for the month, food for the month, etc to buy SN right now needa wait till the middle of this week.
so in a sense I played myself with that buttt comfort/security around having enough of things matters more Haaa I'm doing it again. I'm getting all inquisitive about the future and "what if" in regards to living...
Is it ok to change my mind so often? Is it ok to flux and flow THIS MUCH?
If I keep struggling against this suicidality WILL IT CHANGE?
Its clear I still have hesitations about killing myself and honestly I'm not sure if that's a good thing or if it just makes me a fucking moron...
I dunno.
If you've read this far thank you. If you just skimmed thnx. If you looked at this post and went "woahh too long" and skipped thnx also lolol
