Story The Time I Tried Partial Hanging

[lovelypirategirl]

Dear SS friends,

Today I've been very active in the forum probably because I feel like shit and I have literally no one to speak. I'm very thankful for this website, because st least I can take out of my chest some pain. If you want to skip the story and start reading from the "exciting part", please start from paragraph 6.

I would like to share with you the story of my last failed suicide attempt which took place during last September.

It was a beautiful late summer day. The day before I had an amazing day going to a concert with one of my bffs and having the opportunity to see this important artist live. Without a reason I was having severe anxiety issues in the morning and feeling kind of empty (after deep introspection, I assume it happens to me everytime I have an incredible day... like a good-day-hangover or withdrawal kind of thing). I had to work the PM shift (3p-11p) and during my shift I was extremely anxious. Nevertheless, after I finished with work I decided to go to the karaoke night in a local bar. There I found some friends and among them there was this guy I had a huge crush with him, which happened to be also my friends with benefits and unfortunately I broke the non-spoken rule of not developing feelings. Feeling so anxious, I started to drink without control and suddenly I was very drunk. Fast forward to when the bar closed I started to walk home (I lived in the same building as my crush) and I ended going to my crush's place.

Needless to say, I had something with my crush and while I was falling asleep in his bed he literally started to yell at me like "WTF are you doing? Don't even dare to think that you're staying here... I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want you to stay here". I was completely in shock after he told me this and couldn't react to his words. Then he started saying "You know... I also have to tell you that I just met an incredible girl and I'm looking forward to having a relationship with her, so this is the last time we sleep together." I just was able to say: "ok... after so many months (8 months in total) don't feel anything for me??" And he sarcastically just took his eyes up like looking something in his brain and said "mmmmhhh.... no, not really. You don't mean anything in my life". I was so indignant and upset and said: "seriously???? Like nothing??? Not even friends? I mean... we've been fucking for so many months and had deep conversations, we go out together, we work at the same fucking place and have the same circle of friends and I don't mean ANYTHING for you?" and he just answered: "mmmhh... no, not really. So please dress up and leave". I was so perplexed and hurt and couldn't really react to what he was saying, so I just stood there until he threw my clothes against me and started yelling "get the hell out of here, I don't want to see you and just leaveeee". It was like receiving an ice bucket directly on my face... of course I dressed up as fast as I could, grabbed my things and went running to my room.

As soon as I got to my room, I started to hyperventilate and to have a panic attack. I was crying and sobbing like a little baby and in my mind I started to see flashbacks moments I was rejected by men starting with my father telling me that I was unworthy and had no value at all, and other times guys telling me I was not pretty enough, fat, or that I was crazy and intense and other horrible things. It was literally like a flood of horrible thought, like a blackhole dragging me and nothing to hang up to. I started to loose contact with reality and I just felt like shit. The pain was so intense I just wanted it to stop. Please also remember that I was drunk AF and that didn't help at all.

Because I always feel suicidal, I always have in my drawer good-bye letters for my mom and sister, so I immediately grabbed them and placed them on my bed. And then I grabbed some dog leashes I took from the hiking trails because I had been fantasizing with partial hanging for months. This was my moment... the perfect moment so I just went into my closet, tied one end of the leash to the outer knob and crossed the leash above the door and left a loop at the other end. I placed my head inside the loop and carefully making sure the loop was around my neck (I'm not quite sure in which side the knot was) and finally I just let gravity take care of the rest.

I remember feeling my nose and fingers started to tingle and feeling peace. Suddenly I started to lose consciousness and everything blacked out. Then the next thing I remember was me coughing and choking with my own blood on the floor of my closet. That's when I realized the stupid leash broke and wasn't able to breath... I had my mobile phone with me and my SI made me dial 911... I was so scared and angry ay myself. I was just able to say that I was dying and minutes later the police was in my room. They immediately called an ambulance and they took me to the ER. At some point I went to the restroom and when I saw myself in the mirror I was in complete shock... my face was completely purple and it hurt so much, my eyes were bloodshot red and my lips were blackish as well as my ears.

After that I was put on involuntary hold and sent to a psychiatric hospital. Then my Visa was removed and I was sent back to my country :(

Sorry for the long post, but I really needed to share thism This is the first time I share this story besides my psychiatrist and it's kind of liberating. Thank you very much if you read until here and I'm leaving some pictures so you can see how it looked. Please feel free to ask anything or to share your story.

Love,

LPG

Dear SS friends,

Today I've been very active in the forum probably because I feel like shit and I have literally no one to speak. I'm very thankful for this website, because st least I can take out of my chest some pain. If you want to skip the story and start reading from the "exciting part", please start from paragraph 6.

I would like to share with you the story of my last failed suicide attempt which took place during last September.

It was a beautiful late summer day. The day before I had an amazing day going to a concert with one of my bffs and having the opportunity to see this important artist live. Without a reason I was having severe anxiety issues in the morning and feeling kind of empty (after deep introspection, I assume it happens to me everytime I have an incredible day... like a good-day-hangover or withdrawal kind of thing). I had to work the PM shift (3p-11p) and during my shift I was extremely anxious. Nevertheless, after I finished with work I decided to go to the karaoke night in a local bar. There I found some friends and among them there was this guy I had a huge crush with him, which happened to be also my friends with benefits and unfortunately I broke the non-spoken rule of not developing feelings. Feeling so anxious, I started to drink without control and suddenly I was very drunk. Fast forward to when the bar closed I started to walk home (I lived in the same building as my crush) and I ended going to my crush's place.

Needless to say, I had something with my crush and while I was falling asleep in his bed he literally started to yell at me like "WTF are you doing? Don't even dare to think that you're staying here... I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want you to stay here". I was completely in shock after he told me this and couldn't react to his words. Then he started saying "You know... I also have to tell you that I just met an incredible girl and I'm looking forward to having a relationship with her, so this is the last time we sleep together." I just was able to say: "ok... after so many months (8 months in total) don't feel anything for me??" And he sarcastically just took his eyes up like looking something in his brain and said "mmmmhhh.... no, not really. You don't mean anything in my life". I was so indignant and upset and said: "seriously???? Like nothing??? Not even friends? I mean... we've been fucking for so many months and had deep conversations, we go out together, we work at the same fucking place and have the same circle of friends and I don't mean ANYTHING for you?" and he just answered: "mmmhh... no, not really. So please dress up and leave". I was so perplexed and hurt and couldn't really react to what he was saying, so I just stood there until he threw my clothes against me and started yelling "get the hell out of here, I don't want to see you and just leaveeee". It was like receiving an ice bucket directly on my face... of course I dressed up as fast as I could, grabbed my things and went running to my room.

As soon as I got to my room, I started to hyperventilate and to have a panic attack. I was crying and sobbing like a little baby and in my mind I started to see flashbacks moments I was rejected by men starting with my father telling me that I was unworthy and had no value at all, and other times guys telling me I was not pretty enough, fat, or that I was crazy and intense and other horrible things. It was literally like a flood of horrible thought, like a blackhole dragging me and nothing to hang up to. I started to loose contact with reality and I just felt like shit. The pain was so intense I just wanted it to stop. Please also remember that I was drunk AF and that didn't help at all.

Because I always feel suicidal, I always have in my drawer good-bye letters for my mom and sister, so I immediately grabbed them and placed them on my bed. And then I grabbed some dog leashes I took from the hiking trails because I had been fantasizing with partial hanging for months. This was my moment... the perfect moment so I just went into my closet, tied one end of the leash to the outer knob and crossed the leash above the door and left a loop at the other end. I placed my head inside the loop and carefully making sure the loop was around my neck (I'm not quite sure in which side the knot was) and finally I just let gravity take care of the rest.

I remember feeling my nose and fingers started to tingle and feeling peace. Suddenly I started to lose consciousness and everything blacked out. Then the next thing I remember was me coughing and choking with my own blood on the floor of my closet. That's when I realized the stupid leash broke and wasn't able to breath... I had my mobile phone with me and my SI made me dial 911... I was so scared and angry ay myself. I was just able to say that I was dying and minutes later the police was in my room. They immediately called an ambulance and they took me to the ER. At some point I went to the restroom and when I saw myself in the mirror I was in complete shock... my face was completely purple and it hurt so much, my eyes were bloodshot red and my lips were blackish as well as my ears.

After that I was put on involuntary hold and sent to a psychiatric hospital. Then my Visa was removed and I was sent back to my country :(

Sorry for the long post, but I really needed to share thism This is the first time I share this story besides my psychiatrist and it's kind of liberating. Thank you very much if you read until here and I'm leaving some pictures so you can see how it looked. Please feel free to ask anything or to share your story.

Love,

LPG

PS: the picture was taken like 4 days after the event

 

[glittergore]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain, both before, because of, and after your attempt. I had a very similar experience, down to the broken hanging device and the miscolored face. I don't know if you feel like this, but after surviving what I most definitely thought would kill me, it feels as though I'm living on borrowed time. It's like I'm misplaced, like I don't belong. It's such a bizarre headspace to live in.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Wow, that's just awful, how he treated you. What a POS that guy is.
Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[SweetSpot086]

Your visa was cancelled because of the suicide attempt? I am facing something similar myself...I am currently being held at a psych ward and being sent back to my country

 

[Belgiumdude]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm curious: how do you look at things now? Are you still suicidal, has this experience put you off trying to ctb?

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I know it's hard, but don't let such assholes break you down. There are lots of people with psychological problems; when you realize that, you start to understand that the reason why some people reject you so unexpectedly is not you.
The guy was probably a narcissist, one of the worst characters you can deal with.
Honest and pure people like you get hurt easily, because we think that everyone is as innocent as ourselves.
And sometimes it happens that we unconsciously get attracted by all these weird characters; maybe because there is in ourselves a piece that we miss from our childhood (a father that was always dissatisfied with us?), maybe because suffering and receiving love in microscopic doses is the only way we have learned..

 

[lovelypirategirl]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain, both before, because of, and after your attempt. I had a very similar experience, down to the broken hanging device and the miscolored face. I don't know if you feel like this, but after surviving what I most definitely thought would kill me, it feels as though I'm living on borrowed time. It's like I'm misplaced, like I don't belong. It's such a bizarre headspace to live in.

Dear glittergore,

Thank you very much for taking the time in reading my post. I'm also sorry you had to go through almost the same experience as me... if you're interested I would love to hear your story (if you wish you can send me a private message ^^ )

I completely feel you... after that I've gone through so much, and there are has been no day I've felt thankful that my attempt failed :(

I send you a virtual hug and once more thanks for reading!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm curious: how do you look at things now? Are you still suicidal, has this experience put you off trying to ctb?

Hey dear Belgiumdude,

First of all thank you very much for reading my story.

It's been a whole process, that event happened last September and until this months I'm starting to feel better regarding that particular event. At the beginning it was horrible... I had to stay 2 weeks in the psychiatric ward, then while I was there I was notified that my sponsor wanted to finish our relationship so I lost my visa (I was living and working in the US) and was sent back to Mexico (my home country). That was also very difficult because I already had a life in there and having to move back was very hard... after that I was in a deep deep depression. I started to go to the psychiatrist and take meds and pursued a healthier lifestyle. I'm still suicidal, however I don't feel like actively doing something to CTB. I would rather wish that something external kills me (like a car accident, sickness, weird accident) so my family doesn't have to go through the stigma that I killed myself.

X

 

[lovelypirategirl]

Your visa was cancelled because of the suicide attempt? I am facing something similar myself...I am currently being held at a psych ward and being sent back to my country

Hello dear SweetSpot86,

Thank you for taking the time in reading my story.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that horrible experience. Where are you living right now? I was living and working in the US, and after my attempt my sponsor unfortunately decided to finish our professional relationship, so I lost my Visa and was sent immediately back to my home country :(

I know it's hard, but don't let such assholes break you down. There are lots of people with psychological problems; when you realize that, you start to understand that the reason why some people reject you so unexpectedly is not you.
The guy was probably a narcissist, one of the worst characters you can deal with.
Honest and pure people like you get hurt easily, because we think that everyone is as innocent as ourselves.
And sometimes it happens that we unconsciously get attracted by all these weird characters; maybe because there is in ourselves a piece that we miss from our childhood (a father that was always dissatisfied with us?), maybe because suffering and receiving love in microscopic doses is the only way we have learned..

Dear My_name_is_Luka,

First of all thank you for reading my whoooole story.

Secondly, thanks for your kind words. I really needed to hear that, even though I already knew it. As you said, the guy probably was a narcissistic, but it also doesn't help that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm also bipolar :( Because of this I have a sick and abnormal fear of feeling abandoned or rejected. During my worst stages, I could do whatever possible to avoid that.

There's also something you mentioned that's so true... there's people like in my case, that we've only known love in a hurting way, and because of that we keep unconsciously looking for this kind of partners. Even though we already know it at a conscious level, it's so hard to break that pattern.

I just hope one day I can learn to love myself and stop developing feelings for assholes, or for guys that treat me like shit.

I send you virtual hug,

Xoxo

LPG

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

@lovelypirategirl It's good that you are already able to read the psychology of other people and yours.
I have nothing against people who have some disorders; I have them myself.
As you, I suffer for anxiety for refusal and abandonment. I know very well that this kind of anxiety cannot be controlled easily and, once it's triggered, it will make our days unbearable (poor sleep, sudden strong heartbeats, sense of suffocation, ...).

I think that the difference between a healthy person with a psychological disorder and a toxic one is that the first one recognizes that there is something in himself that doesn't work properly, or that should not be taken as a reference model in the interaction with other people; and he tries not to hurt others. Instead a toxic one is completely unable to doubt his own action and even when he realizes the consequence of his actions on other people, he keeps thinking he doesn't need to reconsider or he enjoys the consequences.

As you know, some of our disorders hurt ourselves and this is the most difficult thing to correct. It's unconscious, we have been raised that way.
It's exactly the same for me. I have been raised with the concept that love is not for free, I have to deserve it, and I will not get it unconditionally but only if I continuously demonstrate that I'm worth of it. As a consequence I fall in love only when I know deep in myself that something is unreachable for me. And a refusal causes me to think that I'm unworthy.

It was nice to read your story, because it is so well written that I could see the scene in my mind. And i felt so related to it, as something very similar happened to me. I also think that the interaction with people that are our mirrors can help us to understand more about ourselves.
If you ever need a listening ear, or to compare similar experiences, feel free to contact me.

Ah, one last thing. At least in my case, I think that healing comes with the acceptance that there are things that I cannot change and that I have to accept as they are. If a person has been lying and using me, if I see injustice and unfairness when I was playing kindly and fair, there is no way I can change it; it will always happen, people are so different, with their way of thinking, acting and their disorders.

 

[SweetSpot086]

Hello dear SweetSpot86,

Thank you for taking the time in reading my story.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that horrible experience. Where are you living right now? I was living and working in the US, and after my attempt my sponsor unfortunately decided to finish our professional relationship, so I lost my Visa and was sent immediately back to my home country :(

Dear My_name_is_Luka,

First of all thank you for reading my whoooole story.

Secondly, thanks for your kind words. I really needed to hear that, even though I already knew it. As you said, the guy probably was a narcissistic, but it also doesn't help that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm also bipolar :( Because of this I have a sick and abnormal fear of feeling abandoned or rejected. During my worst stages, I could do whatever possible to avoid that.

There's also something you mentioned that's so true... there's people like in my case, that we've only known love in a hurting way, and because of that we keep unconsciously looking for this kind of partners. Even though we already know it at a conscious level, it's so hard to break that pattern.

I just hope one day I can learn to love myself and stop developing feelings for assholes, or for guys that treat me like shit.

I send you virtual hug,

Xoxo

LPG

I am (was) a student in germany. After, 2 suicide attempts my visa was revoked..Now, I am being deported back to my country..and, the worse part is they want me to pay for someone who will escort me to the airport and make sure I get on the flight alive.

 

[soundsofsilence]

Many thanks for sharing your story with us.

 

[lovelypirategirl]

Wow, that's just awful, how he treated you. What a POS that guy is.
Thanks for sharing your story.

Dear Good4Nothing,
Yes, he was a complete asshole. Thank you for reading it! I'm very grateful for this website, because I feel more understood here than in my "real life" circle