The "think how others will feel" answer

[hadenough]

It's often said in response to suicidal thoughts, the "think how it will affect others" response. Sure I know it's not easy for others to come to terms with a loved ones suicide, but how do you think others will feel? Should we be worried about it? And how does saying that help? I've thought about the impact it would have on my family, but in reality, most of my family think respond to famous suicides with awe, a kind of "wow how brave" attitude. What do you think about it? Does it stop you in any way or do you think "I don't care?"

 

[landslide2]

I think those thoughts only for certain people who really matter in my life. I would only want to hear it from those people. Outside of that it's dated and not helpful.

 

[juna]

When you are in so much pain, "what will others think" stops to matter. I don't really care what others will think or feel about my suicide. At the end of the day, very few people care...

 

[banger12]

It's often said in response to suicidal thoughts, the "think how it will affect others" response. Sure I know it's not easy for others to come to terms with a loved ones suicide, but how do you think others will feel? Should we be worried about it? And how does saying that help? I've thought about the impact it would have on my family, but in reality, most of my family think respond to famous suicides with awe, a kind of "wow how brave" attitude. What do you think about it? Does it stop you in any way or do you think "I don't care?"

Tbh I wish those same people would think "how does the suicidal person feel?" or "how would the suicidal person feel while being forced to ho on living for years longer than necessary for no reason? ". It also has always felt very disingenuous when people have raised that point, and even to the hypothetical degree that it's not disingenuous I still think that people greatly exaggerate. People move on. They'll be fine. But they pretend otherwise and we have to be punished and hurt as a result.

 

[brokeandbroken]

It's often said in response to suicidal thoughts, the "think how it will affect others" response. Sure I know it's not easy for others to come to terms with a loved ones suicide, but how do you think others will feel? Should we be worried about it? And how does saying that help? I've thought about the impact it would have on my family, but in reality, most of my family think respond to famous suicides with awe, a kind of "wow how brave" attitude. What do you think about it? Does it stop you in any way or do you think "I don't care?"

How many people who say that actually care themselves how others feel. I don't think it is often. I truly don't think the majority of people think outside of themselves. For that reason why should you care they don't.

 

[CatLvr]

When you are in so much pain, "what will others think" stops to matter. I don't really care what others will think or feel about my suicide. At the end of the day, very few people care...

This is my take also. I have exactly 2 people who will care. One because she is my friend and truly loves and understands me and one because of how it will inconvenience him.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

While I am trying to lessen the impact as much as possible, I don't really understand how it can be possible that nobody else is responsible for our emotions and mental state but ourselves, yet when it comes to suicide suddenly we are responsible for everyone else's

 

[BGooG]

The only thing that keeps me from killing itself is thinking about the impact on my daughter. But after being screamed at by my partner for an hour straight, I don't know if that's enough. I just spent some time trying to figure out if I could just kill myself in my car, with carbon monoxide. Seems unlikely. So I'm stuck.

 

[ArteriesBindEveryon]

It's often said in response to suicidal thoughts, the "think how it will affect others" response. Sure I know it's not easy for others to come to terms with a loved ones suicide, but how do you think others will feel? Should we be worried about it? And how does saying that help? I've thought about the impact it would have on my family, but in reality, most of my family think respond to famous suicides with awe, a kind of "wow how brave" attitude. What do you think about it? Does it stop you in any way or do you think "I don't care?"

It's one of the things that stops me. I do think it's a valid argument against suicide, but I think a just as valid counter-argument is "think of how I must feel to get to this point".

 

[Beyond_Repair]

The only thing that keeps me from killing itself is thinking about the impact on my daughter. But after being screamed at by my partner for an hour straight, I don't know if that's enough. I just spent some time trying to figure out if I could just kill myself in my car, with carbon monoxide. Seems unlikely. So I'm stuck.

I'm sorry you're going through this Sorry if it's presumptuous of me to ask, but is it possible at all for you to leave your partner? No one deserves to be screamed at

 

[Necrosis]

When I am suicidal, I am thinking of ending my life because I'm thinking about how *I* feel, not others. Suicide is selfish, because you're thinking of yourself, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that. This does not stop me when I'm thinking of others. Yes my father, sister, mate, and maybe some other misc. people will be sad, but it's not about them. They will grieve and they will cope and they will heal.

HOWEVER, when this is said, it's supposed to be you thinking about *people*. That doesn't work for me, but by extension, I think of my cat. I care for all four of mine, but what is too beloved. I love him more than anything, and he's been around for it all. I know he loves me. When I imagine dying, he won't know what happens. HE gets grumpy when I leave, and is a punk when I'm back, but he always lets me pet him again and clings to me. My family tells me how they wait for me, his routine is based off of mine. If I die, what will he have left? He will be grumpy, but when will he start to grow concerned. He will think I abandoned him. I can't cope with the thought of this, doing that to him. He won't forget me, how can he heal? Who will love him like I do? I will endure any amount of suffering to keep him happy. When he dies it is safe to assume I'll be following him closely.

The only thing that keeps me from killing itself is thinking about the impact on my daughter. But after being screamed at by my partner for an hour straight, I don't know if that's enough. I just spent some time trying to figure out if I could just kill myself in my car, with carbon monoxide. Seems unlikely. So I'm stuck.

You care for your daughter, so I hope she isn't around your partner. I hope you can get away from them, and take her with you. I know typically it is never that easy.

 

[Jeav]

Suicide for me is an act to free oneself not to take revenge, that's why we must not make an impulsive decision, impulsivity can result from anger and we often tend to regret jerk knee reactions when we review our actions

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

If you care enough about these people, then you have to try your hardest to stay alive. If these people truly care about you, then they have accept that you have found peace in death.

Just make sure your note explains as best as you can that they could not have done anything to help you and to be happy for you that you are no longer suffering.

 

[possessed]

I don't care, especially my parents. Because I realized that how selfish they are.

 

[kyhoti]

It stopped me for many years, but I have reached a point where my departure is inevitable. I'd like it quick and "clean" while I'm able rather than falling apart bedridden or worse.

 

[DeathSleep]

It does make me hesitate just a bit. For the few people that have tried to help me "want to live". But in the end it won't stop me. They will move on.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think people say that in order to help. It's more a last ditch attempt to emotionally blackmail us to stay here when they realise that we don't want to stay ourselves.

After the IC SN welfare checks, I agreed to be put in touch with a helpline (to get them to leave,) and they used that one on me. I was absolutely furious but I tried to stay calm. I've had ideation for 35 years. The main reason I've kept going is to prevent other people feeling hurt. I still intend to hold on until the last person whom I feel it would really affect has gone. But, it really infuriated me that a so-called 'helpline' would use those kind of tactics.

As a phrase, it really pisses me off because it assumes that this is something we haven't even thought about. Plus- 'think of how they would feel'- yeah- ok. Do me a favour though- think about how we must be feeling to be at the point where we want to end our lives! But- we can get over that- right? We can get over everything. But apparently- they can't. It's a double standard.

Not that it isn't worth consideration in my view though. Suicides do obviously cause people a great deal of distress. I think an awful lot of people are held back because of that.

 

[Epikur]

I wish I could overcome my feeilings of guilt. When I reached that state, I´m gone. These feelings of guilt and moral stooped me from CTB so far. I can´t help it.

 

[Soupster]

It's a toxic line, that is designed to manipulate you into sacrificing yourself for the sake of others. I really wish it could die.

That said it is something that I consider. And despite the fact that my father is one of my abusers (and through recent conversations he's finally starting to come to terms with what he did to me and how it has impacted my life) I will not ctb before he passes. He lost my mother this year after 55 years of marriage, he's hanging on by a thread because his personal religious beliefs say that if he gives up and ctb he won't get to be with my mom after he dies. If I choose to ctb before he passes it will crush him and may cause him to violate his own belief system. I will not do that to him, not even out of spite or revenge. Does he deserve that consideration? Hell no. But I won't compromise who I am, knowing it would punish him.

As to the rest, siblings I've talked to and they know where I'm at. They will be undoubtedly sad when my time comes but we've never been extremely close (I am 10 years younger than my closest sibling, and the rest are even older than that) and they've been prepared for the eventuality. The real friends I have all know where I'm at and know there's nothing they can do that would or will change my mind. It will certainly impact them, to some degree or another, but I don't believe it will be a trauma for them. My wife... I don't even know. We are at best roommates at this point, but roommates with a weird interdependence. She knows where I'm at but is in denial. She brushes off things I say and do, and refuses to engage with me on any attempts towards recovery. She seems to think if she ignores it, maybe it will go away. Honestly, I think she's more scared of being alone than she is of losing me. She has her own demons to fight too and while I'm sad that she will undoubtedly be hurt, I don't know what more I can do to mitigate the damage short of making sure she's not the one who finds me.

So, do I think of what it will do to others? Absolutely. Is ctb ultimately a selfish act? I think in the end it has to be. And that's ok. Ultimately we are responsible to ourselves first and foremost. And the only person who can decide if ctb is best for ourselves is ourselves. I don't think it's a decision to be made lightly, a decision to be made impulsively, or a decision to be made without exhausting every avenue to be able to recover. But it is a decision to be made for ourselves, and at the end of the day I respect each person's right to make that decision.

 

[hereornot]

In my case, the only real loved one has already died, my father.

The closest family members that remain are either sick or greedy and only think about taking advantage. If I die, they will only think about how it can benefit them.

It's something that makes me wonder if it's worth continuing in this world having these people in my life.

Apart from few friends, less than 5 who genuinely have some affection. The rest unfortunately just pulls the rug out.

So it doesn't make sense, in my case, to waste time thinking about them. They would certainly want to bury me without a wake and run to get something I left behind.

Sorry for the sadness.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't really care. I only care about myself. My own feelings are what is important in my life. I was born against my consent so I shouldn't be expected to be obligated to survive for others. My life belongs to me only so it should only be me who has a say in when my life should be ended or not

 

[N33dT0D13]

I wanna die because of how they'll feel, in two different ways, on the one hand I honestly feel they'll be sad at first but ultimately relieved they don't have to constantly care for me and my volatile emotions and relieved to not see me in pain anymore, but on the other hand, I know I'm being selfish and that just makes me hate myself more which fuels the first point more, wanting to "protect" people from me cuz I know how it goes and how it tends to end, with them burnt out on me and detaching, it hurts... It might not always end like that but it is often, probably a self fulfilling prophecy ahh I annoy the shit out of myself
But I know they'd be sad and they want me around and do love me and I love them all back so much, I adore them and am so grateful for them and do not deserve them at all so I wanna try but it's hard, it hurts...

 

[FuneralCry]

In my view suicide is a personal, individual decision and I'd personally never wish to suffer in this existence, under no circumstances would I ever wish to be tormented in this existence for decades longer just to die slowly and painfully from old age, existing is certainly not for me and I find it deeply undesirable, I really wish I was never burdened with this existence in the first place.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Assuming most people claim that sentence without much thinking and in an automatic way. Isn't it technically a way to simply refuse to acknowledge someone's pain and shifting it to guilt tripping them? Maybe not always but I think that could be an outcome. To guilt trip someone into not doing anything "for the sake" of others. It's like gatekeping life and death and feels a bit selfish if I look at it that way in my eyes. Sigh.

 

[hadenough]

Thanks for all your replies, very interesting to read. It is a selfish, thoughtless, cliched thing to say, as if that is going to help. I've had it said to me many times and it is used as a definitive ending to any suicidal views. It also says, "now stop your selfish thoughts because they are hurting others, and you cannot hurt others" without realising that they are hurting me with that response.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

So what, I should continue to exist miserably just because if I cbt someone will be upset? Hell naw.

 

[Ramsay Fiction]

"but what about all your friends?" I don't care!!!! I can't just subject myself to continued misery because other people feel entitled to my emotional labor. If me being alive matters that much to you then something should've changed in my lifetime, not all this garbage after I'm gone.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Without having read any replies, I think you should be worried. A lot of people think their loved ones won't care, but that's their interpretation derived from them being in pain. People take their families for granted. How would you feel if a family/friend ctb? Yeah you could be glad they're not in pain anymore, but how would it affect you daily? It's a very difficult decision and it breaks people. It's just a very difficult to decision to live with, or not live with.

 

[avalonisburning]

Why should I light myself on fire so others can be warm?