author
they/them
- Jul 13, 2021
- 76
I don't know if anyone can actually give me advice for this, but I'm really fed up and I want to scream. I hate keeping quiet about things, but my therapist legally has to do an investigation if she feels I'm "unsafe". At least she's decent enough to tell me "Hey, if this conversation continues any further, I legally have to investigate this" so I know when to stop, but fuck... I already am unsafe because of my family, and wanting to ctb, but I can't talk to her about any of it. Going to a ward isn't gonna help my financial situation, my family abusing me, or any of my mental health issues. If I get put in another ward, I'm going to throw out all my desire for a painless ctb and just do it any way I can. I've been there once, and I've made it very clear to her that I'm not going again.
Honestly it doesn't make me feel better enough to not sh, it makes me afraid to. I'm scared of being put away again for something super small. (I was put in a ward once by my mother as a punishment for skipping school once and it was hell).
I don't know what to do, man. I wanna say fuck everyone else and do what I want to my body, but I'm afraid of the consequences and stewing in this decision paralysis without being able to say anything is just making me feel so much worse. I hate this. I'm just trapped in doing nothing - sometimes I cry and sometimes I can't express anything because I've trained myself not to cry if I hear people nearby.
I don't know. I don't know anymore. I'm just trapped here, alternating between staring at my screen and staring at the fucking wall.
Honestly it doesn't make me feel better enough to not sh, it makes me afraid to. I'm scared of being put away again for something super small. (I was put in a ward once by my mother as a punishment for skipping school once and it was hell).
I don't know what to do, man. I wanna say fuck everyone else and do what I want to my body, but I'm afraid of the consequences and stewing in this decision paralysis without being able to say anything is just making me feel so much worse. I hate this. I'm just trapped in doing nothing - sometimes I cry and sometimes I can't express anything because I've trained myself not to cry if I hear people nearby.
I don't know. I don't know anymore. I'm just trapped here, alternating between staring at my screen and staring at the fucking wall.