Venting the sunk-cost fallacy that is my life

[february in alaska]

So I've stayed alive because I don't want people who care about me to suffer, only to put them through hell and mental exhaustion as they watch me self harm and deteriorate and go through mental breakdown after mental breakdown… I've stayed alive because I don't want to waste all the money and energy and time that other people have put into my life, into getting me through school, into gifts, into raising me, and at this point I'm wasting it all anyway… I've stayed alive because some part of me is so desperate to make all of this shit worth it, when the truth is every single day I waste away what little worth my life has left and it's worthless at this point anyway.

Because honestly? Fuck it. The truth is I should have offed myself years ago, and maybe by this point everyone would have already had the time to grieve and move on with their lives. The truth is I am doing no one a favor by prolonging the inevitable and I need to grow a fucking spine and put myself out of my misery and let the world move on.

I am such a fucking parasite my god I genuinely have such a visceral hatred for everything I am and I don't understand why people seem hell bent on making me carry on like this god I'm so fucking tired of all of this and no matter what I do, whether I off myself or whether I drag myself through life, I am making the wrong decision like there is no right answer here I don't know what to do I just want to fucking sleep forever and not have to deal with the consequences or grief of any of it. And I can't fucking say a word of this to anyone who cares about me even though they're all worried I can't tip them off because they will never understand I'm doing this for the good of everybody

Shit fucking sucks what the hell do I do about any of this it's actually hilarious at this point

 

[Miss Anthropy]

I relate to your post so much. I am just hanging on for my cat, the thought of leaving her alone on this planet hurts more than 1 more day of pain. I have learned that i cannot be responsible for other people's feelings, i cannot even handle my own. I totally understand trying to carry on for other people but it is fking exhausting! I feel selfish when i think of pritortizing my pain over other people who would probably drive 2000 miles to my funeral but wouldnt walk across the street to check on me when i needed it. It is difficult to be kind to yourself. Hugs!

 

[LonelyKitten]

I can relate to your pain. It sucks to know that it's better for everybody to leave.

It feels like you can't explain it to them. At least, in my experience. I tried really hard to explain it, but they never understand.
Then frantically trying to keep going just hurts them more, because you keep deteriorating (self-harm, mental state, etc.), which they'll notice.
In my case, I also kept needing more help to keep going, but knew it won't make any long-term difference, so I just felt more and more guilty just by caving in to their requests for me to stay alive further.
It hurts to think of leaving people, but if all it is is a mutual suffer-fest, perhaps it is kinder for all sides, to go out sooner, giving them more time to move on within their own lives. Sort of like tearing off a band-aid quickly vs slowly.

Feels like we're the only ones who can make the judgment call on this in the end, and have to do it all on our own.
I wish you the best, and that you get to figure out whatever it is you ultimately need/want to do.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

So I've stayed alive because I don't want people who care about me to suffer, only to put them through hell and mental exhaustion as they watch me self harm and deteriorate and go through mental breakdown after mental breakdown… I've stayed alive because I don't want to waste all the money and energy and time that other people have put into my life, into getting me through school, into gifts, into raising me, and at this point I'm wasting it all anyway… I've stayed alive because some part of me is so desperate to make all of this shit worth it, when the truth is every single day I waste away what little worth my life has left and it's worthless at this point anyway.

Because honestly? Fuck it. The truth is I should have offed myself years ago, and maybe by this point everyone would have already had the time to grieve and move on with their lives. The truth is I am doing no one a favor by prolonging the inevitable and I need to grow a fucking spine and put myself out of my misery and let the world move on.

I am such a fucking parasite my god I genuinely have such a visceral hatred for everything I am and I don't understand why people seem hell bent on making me carry on like this god I'm so fucking tired of all of this and no matter what I do, whether I off myself or whether I drag myself through life, I am making the wrong decision like there is no right answer here I don't know what to do I just want to fucking sleep forever and not have to deal with the consequences or grief of any of it. And I can't fucking say a word of this to anyone who cares about me even though they're all worried I can't tip them off because they will never understand I'm doing this for the good of everybody

Shit fucking sucks what the hell do I do about any of this it's actually hilarious at this point

Staying alive for the sake of others just adds even more suffering to the burden of existence. I know it sounds awful, but I wish my only remaining family ( Sister ) would suddenly pass away so that I could finally free myself from this dreadful world.
I have an almost constant simmering revulsion of life itself, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
Life is truly a curse for many of us here.