The struggle is endless...

[Sleeper System]

I don't have any fancy words or deep insight to offer. I just really want to be dead. I'm tired of being an adult and keeping composure
when all I want to do is drop to my knees and shed all the tears that ive bottled up inside for the past 19 years. I was 14 when it clicked
that this is all meaningless. That was the worst day of my life. Everything from that point on has been an internal battle that I feel like im now close to losing.

I hate my job. I hate my body. I hate my life. I hate that im so fucking broken inside and out.
I hate that I dont have control of my own life. I hate that I never had the courage to be fearless and ambitious.
This is my blood line. This is my legacy. Worthless people procreating for the hell of it and trying to kill themselves later.
My grandfather succeeded in suicide. My aunt tried and failed. My uncle tried and failed. Ive never attempted but its on my mind all the time.

I try to make myself forget but it doesn't take much to remind me of the cruel nature of my life.
The destractions only last so long. The tv shows. The movies. The chats with friends. The work talk and future goals.
It's all just fucked man.

I want to end my life here. I want to write a letter or video message explainging myself to my family and thats it.
I have no money to leave anyone. Nothing of real value. In a few years I will join the forgotten and be at peace. I hope.
I just need to vent. I'm having a really hard time in my life and i just.. i dont know.. I just wis suicide was easier.

 

[noneed]

I don't have any fancy words or deep insight to offer. I just really want to be dead. I'm tired of being an adult and keeping composure
when all I want to do is drop to my knees and shed all the tears that ive bottled up inside for the past 19 years. I was 14 when it clicked
that this is all meaningless. That was the worst day of my life. Everything from that point on has been an internal battle that I feel like im now close to losing.

I hate my job. I hate my body. I hate my life. I hate that im so fucking broken inside and out.
I hate that I dont have control of my own life. I hate that I never had the courage to be fearless and ambitious.
This is my blood line. This is my legacy. Worthless people procreating for the hell of it and trying to kill themselves later.
My grandfather succeeded in suicide. My aunt tried and failed. My uncle tried and failed. Ive never attempted but its on my mind all the time.

I try to make myself forget but it doesn't take much to remind me of the cruel nature of my life.
The destractions only last so long. The tv shows. The movies. The chats with friends. The work talk and future goals.
It's all just fucked man.

I want to end my life here. I want to write a letter or video message explainging myself to my family and thats it.
I have no money to leave anyone. Nothing of real value. In a few years I will join the forgotten and be at peace. I hope.
I just need to vent. I'm having a really hard time in my life and i just.. i dont know.. I just wis suicide was easier.

You're 19 years old?

 

[Sleeper System]

You're 19 years old?

14 when I realized. 19 years passed since then til now.

 

[noneed]

14 when I realized. 19 years passed since then til now.

Have you thought of a career change? Do you have any obligations, family partner children etc?

14 when I realized. 19 years passed since then til now.

If you can find a traveling agency you could travel often to avoid the staleness feeling and although it's not the most dangerous thing in the world it would be pretty fearless and ambitious to be a stable hippy. Traveling lpns and rns make bank .

I don't have any fancy words or deep insight to offer. I just really want to be dead. I'm tired of being an adult and keeping composure
when all I want to do is drop to my knees and shed all the tears that ive bottled up inside for the past 19 years. I was 14 when it clicked
that this is all meaningless. That was the worst day of my life. Everything from that point on has been an internal battle that I feel like im now close to losing.

I hate my job. I hate my body. I hate my life. I hate that im so fucking broken inside and out.
I hate that I dont have control of my own life. I hate that I never had the courage to be fearless and ambitious.
This is my blood line. This is my legacy. Worthless people procreating for the hell of it and trying to kill themselves later.
My grandfather succeeded in suicide. My aunt tried and failed. My uncle tried and failed. Ive never attempted but its on my mind all the time.

I try to make myself forget but it doesn't take much to remind me of the cruel nature of my life.
The destractions only last so long. The tv shows. The movies. The chats with friends. The work talk and future goals.
It's all just fucked man.

I want to end my life here. I want to write a letter or video message explainging myself to my family and thats it.
I have no money to leave anyone. Nothing of real value. In a few years I will join the forgotten and be at peace. I hope.
I just need to vent. I'm having a really hard time in my life and i just.. i dont know.. I just wis suicide was easier.

Also just because genes program us to procreate we have the ability as people to choose what gives us purpose. If you don't want children or it's not a good fit for your life and mental health you could do anything , you want as long as it makes you feel passionate.

14 when I realized. 19 years passed since then til now.

Not trying to invalidate your feelings I just feel like you have a lot more potential than you realize. You're too logical bro gotta let go and give your brain a break.

 

[Sleeper System]

Have you thought of a career change? Do you have any obligations, family partner children etc?

If you can find a traveling agency you could travel often to avoid the staleness feeling and although it's not the most dangerous thing in the world it would be pretty fearless and ambitious to be a stable hippy. Traveling lpns and rns make bank .

I have no education. I couldn't leave my current job and find something with equal or greater pay off the bat with all the benifits ive accumulated at my current job.
I just have my mom and brother. No kids. I respect parents who struggle and still hang on. They have it harder than me but it still doesn't make me feel better.
I have no ambition and im scared of leaving my familiar surroundings. So I just suffer in a hell of my own making.

 

[noneed]

I have no education. I couldn't leave my current job and find something with equal or greater pay off the bat with all the benifits ive accumulated at my current job.
I just have my mom and brother. No kids. I respect parents who struggle and still hang on. They have it harder than me but it still doesn't make me feel better.
I have no ambition and im scared of leaving my familiar surroundings. So I just suffer in a hell of my own making.

A lot of it is not in your control.

I have no education. I couldn't leave my current job and find something with equal or greater pay off the bat with all the benifits ive accumulated at my current job.
I just have my mom and brother. No kids. I respect parents who struggle and still hang on. They have it harder than me but it still doesn't make me feel better.
I have no ambition and im scared of leaving my familiar surroundings. So I just suffer in a hell of my own making.

Unfortunately we're at the mercy of the universe and the cards we were dealt.

 

[Sleeper System]

Have you thought of a career change? Do you have any obligations, family partner children etc?

If you can find a traveling agency you could travel often to avoid the staleness feeling and although it's not the most dangerous thing in the world it would be pretty fearless and ambitious to be a stable hippy. Traveling lpns and rns make bank .

Also just because genes program us to procreate we have the ability as people to choose what gives us purpose. If you don't want children or it's not a good fit for your life and mental health you could do anything , you want as long as it makes you feel passionate.

Not trying to invalidate your feelings I just feel like you have a lot more potential than you realize. You're too logical bro gotta let go and give your brain a break.

I wish I could flip a switch and turn my brain off. These thoughts don't ever disappear. They just go from quiet to loud to quiet to loud in an endless loop.
I was always told I had potential. I think of myself often as wasted potetional. I just never made the leap to find a purpose. So now I just have to play the cards I dealt myself. And that sucks.

The fact that im here now or the fact that I even have a job is proof of the ability to reprogram youself because I never thought I would even get this far. But I put my head down and followed the societal programming of working hard and thats how I got into this better but still shitty situation. I

 

[yeaimhere13]

i believe there is more to what your seeing. however, those are just words from someone who is not you. im sorry that you have to deal with this struggle. i know the feeling of wanting to "turn your brain off" or just be asleep for whatever length of time you want.

if you'd like someone to talk to, you can always pm me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd just wish to be free from all the suffering, I certainly get that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence you hate. Anyway I wish you the best.