The Strange Hilarity of Chronic Suicidal Ideation

[Celerity]

On my way to work, I listen to audiobooks about political matters that could not possibly affect me less such as global warming. I am listening to a podcast now about M4A, and yet I plan to CTB in a few short years.

I wonder why I bother or why I care. It's such a strange life to live - one foot firmly planted in living, the other dangling off of a cliff. Day after day. Job after job. Failed relationship after failed relationship. Year after year. Decade after decade.

It's a crazy, half-dead life that we lead. I honestly don't know what to make of it. The capacity of the mind to hold multiple opposing and mutually exclusive ideas at once is amazing in a twisted sort of way.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, I know how you feel. I feel like part of me has already died, but yet I am still breathing and conscious. It is exhausting being here but not wanting to be here. I just tell myself nothing really matters, in the end death makes all life meaningless. Everything we do is just an distraction until we leave. Life is a strange thing.

 

[motel rooms]

We are hilarious, utterly ridiculous creatures. We stupidly insist on taking this absurd life seriously

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I always tell myself this is finally the year I ctb. Been telling myself this for years. But maybe it will be different this time around. I no longer seem to make subconscious excuses like 'maybe things will get better with time' or 'I don't need to rush I can ctb anytime'. In fact my mind is almost taunting me into ctb'ing.

 

[BottomlessPit]

I feel this on another level. I'll ctb in a few months if everything goes according to plan, and yet I still have problems spending my money because I'm so accustomed to saving, even though that money will be useless when I'm dead. Or I still catch myself trying to eat a bit more healthily so I don't get health problems in a few years (??????????). I follow politics even though I won't be alive for the next election. It seems like our minds just can't fully comprehend what is going to happen. Or maybe it's just hard to change our habitual ways of thinking.

 

[Celerity]

I feel this on another level. I'll ctb in a few months if everything goes according to plan, and yet I still have problems spending my money because I'm so accustomed to saving, even though that money will be useless when I'm dead. Or I still catch myself trying to eat a bit more healthily so I don't get health problems in a few years (??????????). I follow politics even though I won't be alive for the next election. It seems like our minds just can't fully comprehend what is going to happen. Or maybe it's just hard to change our habitual ways of thinking.

I think it's a bit of both. I think I only realize I'm dying soon in these brief flashes of insight. Everything goes cold, and the hairs on my body stand up. Otherwise, my brain basically treats it like a phantasy, lol.

 

[Lost Magic]

I truly loved your post and I feel the same way. I even got a fucking hair transplant a few months ago and it was the most painful thing I ever went through. According to the surgeons my genetics didn't respond well to the numbing agent. My whole body was literally shaking from the excruciating pain. Such a waste because I won't be here to enjoy a full head of hair anyway haha. So stupid. So, I try to concentrate on short term pleasures now. I am looking forward to The Sopranos box set that is coming in the mail. I encourage everyone to do the same. Just try 'as hard as it is' to live in the now and find simple pleasures to get you by until the time comes for you to ctb. If that is your choice.