Leaving-Soon
Member
- Nov 9, 2020
- 71
Intro
I found SS in October, but registered under a nick used in other forums, and it was not possible to change a nick then, so registered again a month later.
Honestly, I have a feeling that the atmosphere here has changed a bit in those three months, to worse I'm afraid. Not sure if it's because of new closed subforum or if it's just my personal feeling.
But nevertheless, I'll try to discuss the methods I consider. I put the 'unimportant' part into the spoiler, so we can skip to the methods.
Methods
I don't like violence and aggression in general, so also don't like an idea of using this against myself. Also would like to inconvenience other people with my CTB as little as I can. This rules out e.g. hanging, train or gun.
I have this available with me now - using just the sleeping pills (and some benzos recently), the rest was collected for the purpose of CTB
Now regarding the methods
Any ideas?
I found SS in October, but registered under a nick used in other forums, and it was not possible to change a nick then, so registered again a month later.
Honestly, I have a feeling that the atmosphere here has changed a bit in those three months, to worse I'm afraid. Not sure if it's because of new closed subforum or if it's just my personal feeling.
But nevertheless, I'll try to discuss the methods I consider. I put the 'unimportant' part into the spoiler, so we can skip to the methods.
I'm a male in mid-forties, from a small European country. As far as I remember, I never was exactly happy child. Always preferred solitude and books, and felt somewhat different from the others, but that was just fine. There was also quite high occurrence of psychiatric diagnoses in my mother's family, and the mom herself was diagnosed bipolar.
There was some violence between my parents, and father left us with another woman when I was twelve. My mother became an alcoholic quickly, and I made every effort to save her. This left me without a chance to grow up, or maybe the opposite – I have to grow up quickly, skipping usual teenage phase.
Despite anything I've done to save her, she decided to CTB when I was fifteen, using her pills to OD – and I'm basically on my own since then.
This is also a time when I started to entertain the idea of CTB. When I was eighteen, I bought myself a scalpel, but only sliced an apple with it and went to psych waiting room. Was given some pills (don't remember if it was AD or something else), but didn't like the idea of any pills, so gave them to mate in a pub.
Eight years ago it was too much for me, and the last straw was when I had to take a job in another country, only seeing my wife and son on weekends. I broke down and was on AD (Zoloft) for almost four years.
Six years ago I decided to leave my wife, not because of another woman, but because it was the only option, for many reasons. We had our son in shared custody which was working fine until last December when son, who was twelve then, decided not to keep switching his homes and to stay with his mom, which I understand.
However, this hit me hard, I had a very close relationship to him. But again, I fully respect his decision, maybe he also did not fancy seeing me not being OK (and honestly some stories with women), and just preferred not to witness it. I engaged with a woman a year ago, probably in an effort to save myself, but it was determined to fail. Despite there is still unbelivable chemistry between us, I probably never felt so unwanted in my life as when I lived with her for two months. She's probably got hew own issues, and never let me to enter her life.
Which leaves me where I am now, seeing my son for 48 hours every second week and paying $1300 alimony monthly, which is no small amount.
Had another minor breakdown this Spring, and after a three-year pause, was prescribed AD again. Except of depression, I also have OCD and quite serious insomnia, since the first breakdown in 2013. Have some (OK, many) signs of BPD too.
I used to be a big fan of books, have about 3000 of them, but cannot read since 2013. However just reading, for the second time, this amazing book by Jean Améry, who's a sort of a hero to me.
All three episodes - my mom's CTB, my son's decision and the recent split with GF - had a common background. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, no matter of any sacrifice I do, it always ends up totally effed at the end. So here am I - tired, unable to feel anything but sadness, (self)regret and recently also anger. I don't see any future for myself, reduced just a to 'walking wallet'. Started smoking cigarettes after a 14 years pause, because ehm, what hurt could it make.
Tried few therapists, but it only gave me a temporary relief, and the last one also worsened the whole thing. Psychiatrist called it a successful therapy, 'temporary deterioration is a sign of long term improvement', but this is not what I feel and see.
There was some violence between my parents, and father left us with another woman when I was twelve. My mother became an alcoholic quickly, and I made every effort to save her. This left me without a chance to grow up, or maybe the opposite – I have to grow up quickly, skipping usual teenage phase.
Despite anything I've done to save her, she decided to CTB when I was fifteen, using her pills to OD – and I'm basically on my own since then.
This is also a time when I started to entertain the idea of CTB. When I was eighteen, I bought myself a scalpel, but only sliced an apple with it and went to psych waiting room. Was given some pills (don't remember if it was AD or something else), but didn't like the idea of any pills, so gave them to mate in a pub.
Eight years ago it was too much for me, and the last straw was when I had to take a job in another country, only seeing my wife and son on weekends. I broke down and was on AD (Zoloft) for almost four years.
Six years ago I decided to leave my wife, not because of another woman, but because it was the only option, for many reasons. We had our son in shared custody which was working fine until last December when son, who was twelve then, decided not to keep switching his homes and to stay with his mom, which I understand.
However, this hit me hard, I had a very close relationship to him. But again, I fully respect his decision, maybe he also did not fancy seeing me not being OK (and honestly some stories with women), and just preferred not to witness it. I engaged with a woman a year ago, probably in an effort to save myself, but it was determined to fail. Despite there is still unbelivable chemistry between us, I probably never felt so unwanted in my life as when I lived with her for two months. She's probably got hew own issues, and never let me to enter her life.
Which leaves me where I am now, seeing my son for 48 hours every second week and paying $1300 alimony monthly, which is no small amount.
Had another minor breakdown this Spring, and after a three-year pause, was prescribed AD again. Except of depression, I also have OCD and quite serious insomnia, since the first breakdown in 2013. Have some (OK, many) signs of BPD too.
I used to be a big fan of books, have about 3000 of them, but cannot read since 2013. However just reading, for the second time, this amazing book by Jean Améry, who's a sort of a hero to me.
All three episodes - my mom's CTB, my son's decision and the recent split with GF - had a common background. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, no matter of any sacrifice I do, it always ends up totally effed at the end. So here am I - tired, unable to feel anything but sadness, (self)regret and recently also anger. I don't see any future for myself, reduced just a to 'walking wallet'. Started smoking cigarettes after a 14 years pause, because ehm, what hurt could it make.
Tried few therapists, but it only gave me a temporary relief, and the last one also worsened the whole thing. Psychiatrist called it a successful therapy, 'temporary deterioration is a sign of long term improvement', but this is not what I feel and see.
Methods
I don't like violence and aggression in general, so also don't like an idea of using this against myself. Also would like to inconvenience other people with my CTB as little as I can. This rules out e.g. hanging, train or gun.
I have this available with me now - using just the sleeping pills (and some benzos recently), the rest was collected for the purpose of CTB
- Sleeping pills (Zolpidem)
- Benzos (Alprazolam)
- Anitemetics (Thiethylperazine)
- Beta blockers (Metoprolol)
- Vasodilator (Tadalafil)
- 100 g (3.5 oz) of 99%+ SN.
Now regarding the methods
- My favorite method was hypothermia for a long time. Just going to a mountains and freeze to death. I however find this quite unreliable, although it might work with combination of alcohol, benzos and sleeping pills.
- Drowning has some tradition here. Although a strong SI might kick-in, I developed two enhancements which should be pretty much fail-proof. In both cases, current low temperatures (below 0 °C/32 F) should provide additional help.
- Attach some weight to the body (got some weights for the exercise) and jump from bridge to lake.
- Use a combination of alcohol, benzos and sleeping pills, and either swim or use an air bed to go to the mid of lake and take a swim there.
- SN, which I found here - wasn't aware about its use for CTB, although obviously knew its use in cured meat etc. It should work with proper regimen, maybe enhanced with vasodilator and beta blocker, maybe also sleeping pills. However I see these risks with this method:
- Sleeping pills are probably not a good idea. It might make the process easier, but I'm afraid I throw up when already sleeping, which wouldn't provide a chance to take the second drink.
- My reaction to depression is alcohol and overeating, so I built up some substantial weight recently - currently 135 kg / 300 lb. I'm afraid of proper SN dosage: too less might not work and too much has its adverse effects of throwing up, maybe even a second drink.
Any ideas?
