Gothsinner
Member
- Jul 26, 2019
- 76
This is going to be long, I need to get this out of me. Delete it if its not allowed admin or mods whatever you are. My life has always been difficult, even in the womb I had gastroschisis, which is nasty so I was a month prem. My heart stopped 3 times I survived by the skin of my teeth, (unfortunately). I was kidnapped by my grandpa and my mum and dad had to go to court to get me back. My dad was abusive. He had his heart in the right place all he wanted was a well disciplined kid but he went WAY too far, so my anxiety started when I was 3 as I remember whispering to my mum is he here? She said yes and I got scared to leave my bed. My older brother who is 4 years older wanted to be an older child so he despised me naturally. Enough about him for now. Pre school/kindergarten wasnt great I was that kid in the corner that no one played with let alone talked to. I would be tripped up constantly all that shit. But I didn't mind much as I had books and I loved reading. My primary school, was atrocious, absolutely terrible. I was bullied from my first 5 minutes there. I vividly remember my mother dropping me off she left and I started getting insulted and punched immediately. Before I even introduced myself. So that was fun, I made 1 friend though he was amazing. He never left my side, we would do everything together haha. But as i got older and advanced classes we spoke less and less. I was never picked for teams when the teacher said make a team of 3 or 4, I was ALWAYS the one left standing on my own. When the teacher put me in a group everyone groaned and the other teams laughed saying ha you got him etc. The older students would beat me on the playground and fart in my face etc. It got so bad i was crying EVERY lunchtime, so often the teacher was so sick of seeing me then. He wouldn't even cover up his sigh haha. I was a prodigy child though. Top marks my spelling at 5 years old rivalled a 16 year olds, and I did team projects on my own getting amazing marks. I could read and speak so fluently. My mother even wanted me to go to a specialist school to take advantage of my gift. I was and always will be trash at maths though. My home life wasn't better either due to my father it was a 50/50 on whether he would shout and beat me. My mother was drunk and shouted constantly. My brother kept abusing me too. But I was a happy child still. I had an optimistic outlook. I had dreams. I had goals. I had happiness. Despite it being fleeting. To make things worse I developed Insomnia, so I would wake up at 2am and wait until 7am it was torture ugh. The bullying got so much worse that my teacher made a chart to see who would spend time with me at break. People would stick their names on if they wanted to. I know it was fucking sad but it wasn't my choice. It was constantly empty. I do remember once the main bully who had been bullying me for years put his name on it. That gave me a mini panic attack. Only mini because I was used to not showing nervous emotion if I did my dad would beat me. My mother had turned to an alcoholic. Life was horrible but bearable. My brothers abuse... Turned sexual. I was constantly forced at night to suck his dick and all that shit for years it continued. In that time I had turned into a thief because they bullied me so fuck them why should they have nice things and I don't and I was the good kid? My health problems started I won't go into that but surgery was needed. It was a minor surgery though nothing major. My dad eventually left and my mum took his place and got violent. Drank more. My mum found a boyfriend who seemed nice but is a narcissistic, manipulative gaslighting mentally torturous scummy piece of shit who should be dead in a fucking ditch. He made my life so much worse added onto it all. I then made the biggest mistake of my life. The one I regret so much. I told my aunt about me being raped every night. Social services got involved. My social worker would bring me books such as the boy who cried wolf. I didn't think anything of it then. But now I see it what the actual fuck. My mums boyfriend let's call him B. B has a tongue like a silver devil. He can manipulate anything. I was interrogated by police in a recorded "interview" I'm 8 years old for fucks sake. I was taken to various social worker therapy things to tell me what is sexually appropriate and what isn't. Like EX FUCKING SCUSE ME its not my fault I'm forced. You should've told my brother all that. But no he's the golden child it's all my fault. So B somehow manages to make social services send me to a children's home. For my protection apparently. Bull fucking shit. 3 days before I left he was constantly laughing at me saying I can't wait for Friday the look on your face will be perfect. So Friday comes social worker visits. You can't live here anymore it's not safe. You are leaving 50 miles away to a children's home pack up. Whilst B is smirking. This is 2 weeks before my 11th birthday. They wouldn't even let me have my last birthday with my mum. She had calmed down a lot stopped drinking and so her abuse did she was a nicer person. I also joined a Christian camp and met my girlfriend she was amazing I felt happy even though I was bullied at the camp. Anyway So I moved to Brighton. The people were nice enough, I made a really great friend he was my everything in a friend way though. Let's call him M. Me and M became best friends almost immediately. However the home had so many flaws. As a kid with anxiety it was horrible. After school it was a group meeting at 16:00. We would all go around talking about our day. One problem. You weren't allowed to be ok. If I said I'm doing good today. They would be like stop lying tell us what's wrong. No fine then you are staying in this room until you admit what's wrong. Like fuck off I'm happy. Then meetings lasted hours. The head of the house scared me. She wouldn't praise anyone it was always an interrogation. When she did the meeting it was to tell at every member. And accuse you of stuff. Like so what happened? In a threatening way that is just oh shit what the fuck did I do????. "you know what you did now admit it." excuse me what have i done!?!?!? This made me have an anxiety attack every day. The school was trash I learned nothing it was the worst and the staff would laze about doing nothing. The school was apart of the children's home company. At the end of the day they would report every tiny thing you said and exaggerate it in an email. So you would get fucked up at the home. D at the home would strangle me for no reason. Then my social worker came once and said I will never ever go back to my mother. A girl called N joined the school she was the bully. Constantly throwing bricks at me trying to stab me constantly driving me to tears every day. Scared for my life. When I was 12 I moved to a Foster home and things were looking up. Nope it was a hardcore Christian household who constantly shouted about how she hated fags. And lesbians were disgusting and how trannies go against God and should be kept away from children. As a gay trans person it was so hard to hide myself I constantly felt ashamed. Her son living there hated me so much he made my life hell. She would constantly tell me how trash I was and she said. "when I got the folder about you from the children's home they said you were smart and the way you thought was amazing." but looking at the examples they gave I don't see how you are that great they are just basic responses. " etc the teachers hated me so in the email home they would constantly lie because they knew I would get in so much shit at "home". She would accuse me of stuff. For example she mentally tortured me and an example is the shower one. I had a shower every morning before school. She would look at me and be like you haven't showered you filthy person. I can't believe you. I say I have showered she goes on an abusive rant for an hour about how I'm dirty and she hates that I don't just admit to not showering. It got so bad i spent 3 hours using 5 bottles of shower gel over and over and washing my hair 5 times. To prove I was showering and she would then smell me and be like JUST FUCKING GET IN THE SHOWER IT'S NOT HARD. I did. " NO YOU DIDN'T YOU FILTHY WASTE WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF WATER?? This toxic behaviour continued for years. That was just one example. I moved to a new school. I got bullied there. Constantly insulted jibed attacked. By a new M and someone called A his pussy croney. M and A bullied me so much combined with home I started to self harm with knives and sharpeners. Suddenly M became my friend because someone called B threw a sharp ball of paper in my face and M threw a fit made sure I was OK and started bullying B it was weird. I looked for divine help and became a satanist. I was at peace for so long. So A started to become his own person rather than being M's dog. He despised me. He looked sad I asked why he said his crush is going out with his best friend. I said I can perform a satanic death ritual to kill him so you can get your crush, bare in mind I was 15 haha. He agreed and we started talking he became a satanist too and we became best friends. Inseparable. We would constantly discuss life and after life and Satan's fall from grace and if he's free or suffering we didn't do the ritual by the way. However before we became best friends. My cousin died who I hadnt seen for years. I was devastated and at that point I was allowed to message my mum. She said she was going to her funeral tomorrow. I said OK. As my Foster carer wouldn't let me go. My mum asked what's wrong and I said I want to go with her to the funeral. She said fine fuck your Foster carer I'm picking you up tomorrow meet me in front of the house at 9. My Foster carer said I only wanted to go to the funeral to get out of going to school. That was the last straw from there I despised her. When I got back she she shouted at me saying how before I left I could've put my school clothes in the machine etc I'm sorry I forgot I was in grief clothes aren't the first thing on my mind. I was tempted to run back out to my mum. Eventually I got kidnapped again by my mum. She got custody of me again and then I Messaged A saying fuck my carer I'm free of her. And then we became best friends. My mum had kicked my older brother out then replaced him with me. By then I had a younger brother and 2 sisters. My mums boyfriend B was really nice and it worried me. He literally became my slave for a month getting me drinks when I said I was thirsty etc. Life was finally perfect except for school bullies. But I had A. But whilst I was happy B was bullying my younger brother who is 9 then he would shout accuse trigger his autistic meltdowns on purpose laugh and then punish him for reacting. He got bored of him as a new plaything had moved in me. He made my life absolute hell. Turning everyone against me insulting me, gaslighting me. Ordering £20 cock cream off Amazon UK and blame me. He said if I laughed I bought it. But who wouldn't laugh when someone shoves cock cream in your face saying you bought it huh? But I wasn't weak willed like my brother I wouldn't stand for his mentally abusive bullshit. That made it ten times worse. Now at this point everyone at school and home despised me. I was still self harming and I had what I call underneath depression. Where I didn't realise I had it as I had no symptoms but once a line is crossed the wall comes crumbling down and the insane depression is there and you saw all the signs. Now I tried to kill myself and that was the wall crumbling it was overnight I had depression. I went from being medium happy normal. To deathly silent in tears feelings of burdens and hating everything about me overnight. I thought it would go as suddenly as it appeared to have appeared. Boy I was so wrong. It was horrible the bullies made me want to die even more my stepdad now as my mum got married made everything a living hell. For 3 months he would be nice and bully my brother then after three months or more it's like a switch and he ignored me treated me like I don't exist grunting tutting and sighing whenever I entered a room making my life so hard. Bullying me because he wanted power and I stood up to him and made it worse but I don't regret it. My personality changed completely. I would Skype A at 3am with tears down my face and blood everywhere crying to him. Unfortunately I did that too many times. I led him to depression. So now we were depressed together which wasn't a good thing. Multiple suicide attempts. I tried slitting my wrists twice with deep gashes. Pm me and ill photo the scars. I tried to hang myself 3 times but I had explody head. I wouldn't pass out and so I have up. I tried to drown myself that failed. Mind you it was a half assed attempt. I walked to the top of the 4 storey car park and almost jumped off but I don't know if its high enough. People have died jumping from it but I don't know if that was luck or certainty. Sn failed I think I mixed too much water so I'd happily try it again but sn is hard to get now. My stepdad saw me struggling. I couldn't get out of bed. So he laughed at me and forced me to do a 2 hour paper round on my bike every single day no day off at 5am I was so tired but if I didn't he would be worse than usual so my anxiety outweighed my sluggishness just slightly. When he saw me doing it OK he paid his shopkeeper friend to get me a job in store at 5pm tooi was barely functioning yet I did it it was probably sheer luck I powered through. I got sicker though. Then one morning a shit of suicidal amnesia adrenaline hit me and I was on a drive I needed to cross a main road to deliver paper to the other side. So I was like fuck it I'll bike to the other side full-speed without checking. I scraped the side of a taxi. If I was one second earlier I would hit the front not the side for fucks sake. My bad luck the taxi driver was friends with my stepdad so he made the shopkeeper give my wages too the taxi driver so now I was working for free and on top of that he destroyed my bed and my bike so I had to walk the way. Whilst sleeping even worse. Thankfully though I joined college so I had a reason to quit both jobs. Unfortunately, I wasn't a prodigy anymore. I'm now a dumbass with speech impairment. I am really dumb and I can only speak three sentences before mixing up the words and saying things the long way because I can't think of the best way to say stuff. My speech got bad because I spoke to no one for a whole year at college except an occasional word for my teachers. I was bullied at college by cunts triggering me. I met a friend called S. He was really nice and amazing he was a third year we were in same business class. He was annoying in a bad way but it want overbearing so I didn't mind. I met a whole group of people that became my friends. They were the classic reddit vegans but in real life . No hate to vegans. Long story short they started bullying someone so I got away and never looked back I was devastated I was alone except for S. Oh and by the way my best friend A I blocked him on everything because he wouldve been happier without me seeing as I contributed to his depression. I missed A so much I would see pictures online and want to show him or think of jokes or just wanna talk but we couldn't. I couldn't stand it so I liked his post on Twitter and hoped so bad he would reply. BTW we aren't satanists anymore. He did reply and I begged him for forgiveness and he accepted and we bonded so much. At the end of the year I was still so sick with bad depression. S just got too much I snapped and shouted at him to leave me alone he kept following and I yelled I would beat the shit out of him if he didnt leave me alone and he did. He sexualised me in front of my classmate and it got too far and I had to involve the teacher as I was triggered by my brother raping me. The teacher suspended him. And he forever despised me. My childhood classmate messaged me for the first time in 13 years and said she loved me. I accepted as I was starved of love it wasn't right of me. I know. Two days later I became ill and she left me. And fucked A. I got pissed and broke my hand punching a wall. By the way the thought of physical conflict gives me panic attacks so I am the most peaceful person there is. But I will defend myself even if I'm vomiting from anxiety whilst doing so. Year 2 of college: I met a group in the social room we linked immediately we became good friends fell in love constantly hugging each other, so in love, but I accidentally asked the wrong girl out so that was a shitshow. We fell in love but she didn't know how a relationship worked, she hated communicating whenever I said I was tired she retorted like I only got two hours sleep, like fuck off it's not a competition. She would be way too clingy and assume I hate her when I say stop. She couldn't accept I have a life and interests outside of her. Whenever I raised a point that is a tiny bit negative she would assume we are arguing like no bitch can't i talk about something other than fucking rainbows. Just because I say this behaviour is hurting doesn't mean we are going through a rough patch just accept my words and move on don't make a big deal. It got too much so I broke it off. I missed her so a few months later we got back together and it failed again even worse she hates me now because I said fuck it refused to step in eggshells and spoke normally instead of always avoiding the fact that she isn't perfect and hurting her piddly feelings. We broke it off ok. But she slagged me off to her friend and said I said that I wish I was dating A. When I have screenshots where she said "go and date A. Then you seem perfect together" it hurt me I blocked her we haven't spoke since but I miss her and fight the urge to talk every minute. Now I quit college and just laze about being depressed unable to find a job as I keep getting rejected stepdad still bullying me I talk to no one except occasionally A. And that's it. I'm a loner I'm isolated I'm scared and I should just die it's obvious life isn't for me. If anyone read all this way thanks and sorry and please be my friend. My Snapchat is Yeet4yeet.
