cloudgazer25
a dead girl pretending to be alive
- Jan 30, 2020
- 22
TW: Child molestation and rape
I like to think I had a good childhood. For most of it, it was just my mom and me. She married my awesome step-dad when I was 7. Which coincides with the worst year of my life. He has no part in what happens to me, 7 was just a long hard year.
I had a friend that lived in the neighboring apartment complex who was 2 years older than me and she often asked me to come to her house and play with her doll house. I didn't have one so I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She didn't have a mom, it was just her and her dad. One day, during winter, I was over playing with her. She left to go get a drink. He came in and watched me play with the barbies. And then I felt his hands on my shoulders and him telling me to be quiet or I couldn't come over anymore. I didn't want to lose my only friend so I was quiet. I think he figured I wouldn't come back after this so he made sure to get his hands all over every hidden part of me before his daughter came back in the room. He told me if I told my mom or anyone else that the police would take me away for being dirty so I had to keep it a secret. And the worst part, I kept going over to play. She was my only friend, and I was a lonely kid. Unsurprisingly, he did it every time I was over. About a month after the first time he groped me, I had my first visual and auditory hallucination. Though for most of my life I would assume they were my imaginary friends and that everyone had them.
So 7 was terrible. Does it get better? No. As a kid we moved around a lot, went to several different elementary schools so making friends was hard for me. I did get to stay at my last elementary school for longer than a year so I actually did have a small friend group. I even got to start at the same middle as my friends. The 1 month I went to MS#1 when I was 12 was the worst month of my life. I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, especially when it comes to math and science. But I loved science because it was interesting. My grades did not reflect that. My teacher wanted better from me so he had me stay after school for tutoring. One on one tutoring in his locked classroom. As a side note, I had started puberty kinda early, I was 9 almost 10 when my chest started to develop, so by 12 I had an "ample" pairing if you will. This man basically blackmailed me into letting him touch me for good grades. I never saw his penis, but when he stood behind me he would rub his erection against my back, or my butt when he made me stand up/bend over. I will point out that he never removed me clothing, his hands were always under or over when he was doing his dirty work. You may be wondering why I didn't say anything, well he threatened my family. He'd whisper that he'd kill my parents and make me watch if I said anything. So I didn't. Instead I almost ruined my step dads life. As expected, I started acting out. And when I finally got in trouble for hitting a classmate, I panicked and said that my step-dad had touched me. Luckily nothing happened because I would fess up and say I was lying but I still kept the molestation a secret. And thus my eternal guilt was born.
After that, things would be fairly "regular" despite me thinking my family secretly hated me (they didn't). Still had the "imaginary friends" but also had developed this insane obsession with dying. Every time we drove over a bridge I'd imagine myself jumping off of it. I was 13 when I first looked up what depression was, and then I discovered suicide and was enamored. The feelings I had finally made sense. More years would pass and I kept my secrets buried deep. When I was 16 I met my first boyfriend, we shall dub him Keith. Keith was 19 when I met him. A friend had invited me to a party and lo and behold it was Keith's party. He filled me with tequila based drinks. And was very handsy but I ignored the gross feeling in my stomach because he was a college kid and I was the fat friend so any attention from a boy was amazing. We talked for about 2 weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend. A week later we went on a movie date and he groped me through the whole movie but, again, any attention was good. Over the course of our month relationship, he hit me, kicked me, cheated on me, and degraded me. He also raped me. I remember the first time, as I kept saying no, he was hurting me it made him harder. He raped me 6 times.
This is a lot longer than I thought it would be. Its also been really hard to write out. These 3 memories are the most important I think in getting my life story out, I guess. They are by no means the end of my trauma. I was in several other relationships with equally as terrible of guys and a woman and would be raped more but I think one retelling is enough for me. I will end this with one more "important" bit: I was diagnosed with schizoaffective when I was 22, so about 3 years ago. I suffer from insomnia, severe depression, anxiety, and bipolar type 2 disorder along with visual/auditory hallucinations. If anyone wants more details, feel free to PM. Also sorry that was so long.
I like to think I had a good childhood. For most of it, it was just my mom and me. She married my awesome step-dad when I was 7. Which coincides with the worst year of my life. He has no part in what happens to me, 7 was just a long hard year.
I had a friend that lived in the neighboring apartment complex who was 2 years older than me and she often asked me to come to her house and play with her doll house. I didn't have one so I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She didn't have a mom, it was just her and her dad. One day, during winter, I was over playing with her. She left to go get a drink. He came in and watched me play with the barbies. And then I felt his hands on my shoulders and him telling me to be quiet or I couldn't come over anymore. I didn't want to lose my only friend so I was quiet. I think he figured I wouldn't come back after this so he made sure to get his hands all over every hidden part of me before his daughter came back in the room. He told me if I told my mom or anyone else that the police would take me away for being dirty so I had to keep it a secret. And the worst part, I kept going over to play. She was my only friend, and I was a lonely kid. Unsurprisingly, he did it every time I was over. About a month after the first time he groped me, I had my first visual and auditory hallucination. Though for most of my life I would assume they were my imaginary friends and that everyone had them.
So 7 was terrible. Does it get better? No. As a kid we moved around a lot, went to several different elementary schools so making friends was hard for me. I did get to stay at my last elementary school for longer than a year so I actually did have a small friend group. I even got to start at the same middle as my friends. The 1 month I went to MS#1 when I was 12 was the worst month of my life. I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, especially when it comes to math and science. But I loved science because it was interesting. My grades did not reflect that. My teacher wanted better from me so he had me stay after school for tutoring. One on one tutoring in his locked classroom. As a side note, I had started puberty kinda early, I was 9 almost 10 when my chest started to develop, so by 12 I had an "ample" pairing if you will. This man basically blackmailed me into letting him touch me for good grades. I never saw his penis, but when he stood behind me he would rub his erection against my back, or my butt when he made me stand up/bend over. I will point out that he never removed me clothing, his hands were always under or over when he was doing his dirty work. You may be wondering why I didn't say anything, well he threatened my family. He'd whisper that he'd kill my parents and make me watch if I said anything. So I didn't. Instead I almost ruined my step dads life. As expected, I started acting out. And when I finally got in trouble for hitting a classmate, I panicked and said that my step-dad had touched me. Luckily nothing happened because I would fess up and say I was lying but I still kept the molestation a secret. And thus my eternal guilt was born.
After that, things would be fairly "regular" despite me thinking my family secretly hated me (they didn't). Still had the "imaginary friends" but also had developed this insane obsession with dying. Every time we drove over a bridge I'd imagine myself jumping off of it. I was 13 when I first looked up what depression was, and then I discovered suicide and was enamored. The feelings I had finally made sense. More years would pass and I kept my secrets buried deep. When I was 16 I met my first boyfriend, we shall dub him Keith. Keith was 19 when I met him. A friend had invited me to a party and lo and behold it was Keith's party. He filled me with tequila based drinks. And was very handsy but I ignored the gross feeling in my stomach because he was a college kid and I was the fat friend so any attention from a boy was amazing. We talked for about 2 weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend. A week later we went on a movie date and he groped me through the whole movie but, again, any attention was good. Over the course of our month relationship, he hit me, kicked me, cheated on me, and degraded me. He also raped me. I remember the first time, as I kept saying no, he was hurting me it made him harder. He raped me 6 times.
This is a lot longer than I thought it would be. Its also been really hard to write out. These 3 memories are the most important I think in getting my life story out, I guess. They are by no means the end of my trauma. I was in several other relationships with equally as terrible of guys and a woman and would be raped more but I think one retelling is enough for me. I will end this with one more "important" bit: I was diagnosed with schizoaffective when I was 22, so about 3 years ago. I suffer from insomnia, severe depression, anxiety, and bipolar type 2 disorder along with visual/auditory hallucinations. If anyone wants more details, feel free to PM. Also sorry that was so long.
