The seemingly happy and smiling good mood guy who is going to kill himself

[noname223]

I thought about it a lot but I have not much sophisticated to add to the story. There was one guy at my self-help who was at least as suicidal as me. One day we were alone and we discussed suicide uncensored. I am not sure how old he is maybe 40. He told me he was close to killing himself several times in his life. That in his own family suicides are very widespread. And he alluded he will kill himself too. I told him I also think I am going to commit suicide. I think our reasons are pretty different. He has a lot of money, is sucessful in his job and he even has a family (with children).

The following made me think. I ruminated a lot about it. I saw in one of his social media profiles a picture of him smiling with his family. He looked super happy and seeing him on that picture noone would have believed this guy is suicidal. I have not talked to him since a long time. Though I have huge doubts that his life changed completely. He seemed to be pretty done with life when I talked to him. He seemed to be very convinced that there is other way out for him. When I looked him in the eyes I was completely sure he is deadly serious. On this picture you can also see his children. This is again something I cannot wrap my head around. How can he be so happy knowing that his children might experience the same thing as him? When I slightly approached that procreation topic he responded to me when he started a family he was unaware of his illness. I think personally I would have a pretty guilty conscience in his position though I don't have a feeling he has one.

This dude is really an interesting character. One time we met and he just sat there and was completely calm and spoke no word. He always smiled doing that and said no fucking word. I would be pretty curious what was going on in his mind. Maybe that is complete speculation he was amused how different I was dealing with knowing my own death sentence. But maybe this interpretation is too self-absorbed.

This dude was going through hell. I am not exactly sure what made him this suicidal (which symptoms). I would be interested how open he is towards his wife. It must be pretty hard to hide it in front of people so close to him. I gave up hiding it in many instances. I told a couple of times the almost full truth to my parents, sister and some therapists. Though when I stopped reiterating it they thought everything was okay now. I could elaborate on that more but that is off-topic.

I would like to meet him again. I think he is hiding a lot also in front of me. He never spoke the truth in front of others. I cannot really imagine that we become friends the age difference is too different. And exchanging suicidal thoughts is more comfortable online when there are no potential consequences involved.

As I said I don't have something interesting to add.

 

[whywere]

Thank you so much for such an interesting post. This post really made me do a lot of thinking about humans, society, having offspring, everything.

Truly is an eye opener for/to me.

Again, thank you so much for sharing.

Walter

 

[The anhedonic one]

It's must be a wonderful feeling to be able to speak honestly with someone irl about suicide.
We shouldn't have to hide our pain from others and made to feel like criminals because we are suffering.

 

[niki wonoto]

This is an interesting post. I can somewhat relate, because when people see me in real life, they'll probably never know that deep down I even have passive suicidal ideation everyday (well, unless if they see my social-media posts). On the surface outer level, people often think that I've got everything in life (eg: quite privileged, even pampered life, a lot of people have said I'm quite attractive, & I'm also a musician/pianist/composer/songwriter). But the harsh reality is I'm just a nobody, & a failure. My life is not just only ironic & tragic, I feel, but also a seemingly ridiculous, meaningless, stupid, & pointless existence. I'm a waste of oxygen that shouldn't exist, yet still exist anyway..

"Don't judge the book by its cover" >>> maybe that's why this quote is actually quite popular & well-known, well because it has some truth in it.
You / we'll never really know 100% what's really happening in a person's life (& what a person truly think/feel, especially deep down inside).

 

[Jolene79]

No one would ever know how ill and debilitated I am by looking at me alot of the time. My conditions are very 'hidden' yet the suffering is off the scale. I've been in hospital so many times and nearly died of sepsis but you'd never know my body could do shit like that to me by looking.

Most people don't realise I'm screaming inside imagining smashing my head into a window whilst politely nodding as we talk crap about the weather.

It's interesting this topic. We can't ever come close to understanding the inner experience of other people

 

[suicidalloser]

of course, social media is just a veil of others true emotions. they have similar fears don't want to be open fear of being a burden, downer etc. so it's easier to just put up the front that is smile. this goes for all platforms even unsavory ones might consider Of.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that a lot of people pretend not to be suicidal in front of other people for obvious reasons, to me trying to pretend is the best thing to do as after all there is a lack of acceptance towards the right to die in this world, being open about wanting to die can very easily make existing much worse and cause other people to interfere with suicide plans.

 

[maxi:3]

This is an interesting post. I can somewhat relate, because when people see me in real life, they'll probably never know that deep down I even have passive suicidal ideation everyday (well, unless if they see my social-media posts). On the surface outer level, people often think that I've got everything in life (eg: quite privileged, even pampered life, a lot of people have said I'm quite attractive, & I'm also a musician/pianist/composer/songwriter). But the harsh reality is I'm just a nobody, & a failure. My life is not just only ironic & tragic, I feel, but also a seemingly ridiculous, meaningless, stupid, & pointless existence. I'm a waste of oxygen that shouldn't exist, yet still exist anyway..

"Don't judge the book by its cover" >>> maybe that's why this quote is actually quite popular & well-known, well because it has some truth in it.
You / we'll never really know 100% what's really happening in a person's life (& what a person truly think/feel, especially deep down inside).

i agree with you so so much. when i think about my future, 5 years from now or 10 years from now, will i be successful in a few things in life? yeah.
but i'll still have this feeling inside me. the feeling i've had since i was 16 years old. what is the point of my existence? nothing. i am not bringing a change in this world , i am somewhat a big failure myself and i feel like i am an idiot and stupid. i am a huge disappointment for my parents and i believe existing is just wasting more of their money.

 

[noname223]

Finally found that thread. Maybe a good thread for christmas to feel less lonely. Many told me they liked this post.

I doubt his life made a 180. (a complete turnback). Recently someone in our group told him "We miss you so much. We are always fascinated/impressed by your love for life". I found pictures of him online. He is smiling almost always.

My theory is: he is sort of ironic about it. And thinks well how will you look at these pictures when I fucking killed myself? How surprised will you be.

Maybe it is masochism. I think he is pretty silent about his pain. I feel kind of honored that he shared his secret with me. I don't dare to message him. Our last contact was such a long time ago. Most other people in this self-help group suck ass. It is not worth to go there if he is completely calm anyway. Our long conversations happened more than two years ago. I wonder whether he remembers me.

Anyways. Sorry for christmas it can be pretty heartbreaking.