Johnnythefox
Que sera sera
- Nov 11, 2018
- 3,129
I was going to leave this until tomorrow, although I did say originally I would post it on Sunday. This is all the information I have from @therhydler she never gave me her name, all I know is that she is from Poland, so if any Polish residents want to do a search for an obituary then that would be confirmation.
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I wanted to say how thankful I am that this place exists. I could finally stop feeling like an utter freak and idiot for wanting to ctb… and express myself openly to the only people who can ever understand this, the people who are carrying around an unbearable amount of pain. It is what it is… it is unbearable, and I cannot live with it. I hate myself for being so weak, so very, very weak… and the hate just adds to the pain, to this unspeakable horror. There is an endless, earth-shuttering scream coming from my soul… and tonight, hopefully, that scream will disappear, fade out to a godly silence. Whether my consciousness will take another form, whether it will or will not carry on in whatever way, I hope this scream of terror, agony, hate, loss, disbelief, loneliness and rage will not continue. It can't… this cannot be what the universe has in store for me, or for anyone… I know there is a hell, a real hell, because I am in it. But it cannot be eternal…
I am feeling strangely peaceful now that it is the end. I am more than ready. Thank you so much to everyone who has been kind to me, supported me, talked to me. I can't express how much it means to me to be part of a community where I am understood. It has made my last months a lot more bearable.
I will be taking N with my head in a noose, followed by some cherry liqueur. I like the feeling of my head in a noose and in the days I have been practicing partial the feeling has become a comfort to me. Then I will put my weight down. If I do not manage to pass out quickly and if I still have time I might take it off, sit down under the lights, lean back and let the N do its job.
Therhydler Sunday 1:10 pm
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I wanted to say how thankful I am that this place exists. I could finally stop feeling like an utter freak and idiot for wanting to ctb… and express myself openly to the only people who can ever understand this, the people who are carrying around an unbearable amount of pain. It is what it is… it is unbearable, and I cannot live with it. I hate myself for being so weak, so very, very weak… and the hate just adds to the pain, to this unspeakable horror. There is an endless, earth-shuttering scream coming from my soul… and tonight, hopefully, that scream will disappear, fade out to a godly silence. Whether my consciousness will take another form, whether it will or will not carry on in whatever way, I hope this scream of terror, agony, hate, loss, disbelief, loneliness and rage will not continue. It can't… this cannot be what the universe has in store for me, or for anyone… I know there is a hell, a real hell, because I am in it. But it cannot be eternal…
I am feeling strangely peaceful now that it is the end. I am more than ready. Thank you so much to everyone who has been kind to me, supported me, talked to me. I can't express how much it means to me to be part of a community where I am understood. It has made my last months a lot more bearable.
I will be taking N with my head in a noose, followed by some cherry liqueur. I like the feeling of my head in a noose and in the days I have been practicing partial the feeling has become a comfort to me. Then I will put my weight down. If I do not manage to pass out quickly and if I still have time I might take it off, sit down under the lights, lean back and let the N do its job.
Therhydler Sunday 1:10 pm
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with the kindest heart. 
