The reason i want to kill myself , a cry for help and tell all.

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

I was very close with my mother i was a mothers boy all my life, she passed away when i was aged 25.
It was a Friday evening and it was me, my two aunts and her all having a conversation.
my mom was crying and grieving a recent loss of a relative of hers.
she was in a state of major distress.
She passed out and hit the tile floor hard.


I vividly remember her passing out. her eyes shut and she jerked back sort of like a bolt had struck her .
She hit the tile floor hard and was knocked unconscious.
I had just froze up, everything was like a dream, it was like id become a spectator.
My aunt in a panic had said" here drink some water"
my mom was basically unconscious at this time.
My aunt threw the water into my moms Mouth.
My mom began to choke on the water and her arms were violently shaking.
i was just frozen.
she stopped shaking and became still.

The paramedics arrived a few moments later.
they suspected she had a heart attack, no one mentioned the water in her mouth from my aunt.
days later i kept replaying the scene in my head and had suspected it was actually the water in her mouth that caused her to choke to death.
I googled and googled and asked doctors and nurses.
Indeed my suspicions were true NEVER EVER PUT WATER IN AN UNCONCIUOUS PERSONS MOUTH.
they will choke and die as they cant swallow.


I blame myself for this.
i am now 34 and cant live anymore with the guilt and shame.
i should have did something, should have told my aunt dont do anything and wait for the paramedics.
i suspect my mom just fainted and hitting her head knocked her out and my aunt killed her by accident with the water.
i should have known better.
its my fault i was too inactive.

i miss my mom dearly ,feel so guilty and cry everynight to sleep
i wake up in sweats and nightmares dreaming of the scene and how much i miss her.
i say to my mom " soon il be with you, whether its with you in the afterlife or dead with you"
i cant go on like this.
I love you mommy and im sorry, il be with you, i should have done more.
LEARN FIRST AID PEOPLE , TAKE CHARGE OF SITUATIONS, DO YOUR BEST, DONT BE AFRAID , IN LIFE THERE WILL BE EMERGENCIES, PLEASE BE PREAPARED.
thank you all for reading this, i now await my means of suicide.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so devastating being in that situation, it must be so unbearable having to live with that. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Cathy Ames]

i should have known better.
its my fault i was too inactive.

NO! This was not your fault. Giving yourself blame like that is kind of a way to force there to be logical sense in a world full of senseless, random, and horrible things. Like it is better to be to blame for something than to be at the mercy of RANDOM horribleness that could strike anyone at any time for no reason at all. I am so sorry this horrible traumatic thing happened. But this truly wasn't your fault in any way.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

It must be so devastating being in that situation, it must be so unbearable having to live with that. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

thank you, i know only death will bring me relief as i long as i live the guilt will burden me and i will think of her, everything reminds me of my mom.. when i watch a show or movie that shows emergency situations i remember and get said........ in shows with parents i cry. Being not able to think anymore will be a relief.

NO! This was not your fault. Giving yourself blame like that is kind of a way to force there to be logical sense in a world full of senseless, random, and horrible things. Like it is better to be to blame for something than to be at the mercy of RANDOM horribleness that could strike anyone at any time for no reason at all. I am so sorry this horrible traumatic thing happened. But this truly wasn't your fault in any way.

I should have did more, i shouldnt have allowed my aunt to put water into my unconscious moms mouth. all i did was watch and freeze up, I was to blame because i could have did more, should have not allowed anyone to touch her until paramedics arrived.

 

[RubyGloom]

i am so incredibly sorry that you had to experience that, and continue to experience it. but know that it is absolutely not your fault.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I should have did more, i shouldnt have allowed my aunt to put water into my unconscious moms mouth. all i did was watch and freeze up, I was to blame because i could have did more, should have not allowed anyone to touch her until paramedics arrived.

Listen. Unless at that time you were already a trained first responder with time on the job, you are retroactively holding yourself to a completely unreasonable standard. I really hate to see you doing that, although it is understandable and human.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

Listen. Unless at that time you were already a trained first responder with time on the job, you are retroactively holding yourself to a completely unreasonable standard. I really hate to see you doing that, although it is understandable and human.

thank you , by saying this it does help a bit. my dad said the same thing, at the time i didnt know not to put water into an unconscious persons mouth.

 

[Cathy Ames]

And even a trained person will sometimes hesitate or freeze up when it is their own family member. I just want you to know that. Of course you miss your mother and grieve for her, and that was a very traumatic way to lose her, but you are not to blame.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

And even a trained person will sometimes hesitate or freeze up when it is their own family member. I just want you to know that. Of course you miss your mother and grieve for her, and that was a very traumatic way to lose her, but you are not to blame.

thank you alot

 

[whywere]

I 100% agree with @Cathy Ames in so far as it was not your fault. I cried reading your post as I consider you a great friend here on SS and I want you to know that I deeply care about you a lot and we are all family here.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, the knowledge that you are a family member to me here, as we are hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder in life and please have a great Sunday filled with beautiful weather and your friends here.

Walter

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

I 100% agree with @Cathy Ames in so far as it was not your fault. I cried reading your post as I consider you a great friend here on SS and I want you to know that I deeply care about you a lot and we are all family here.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, the knowledge that you are a family member to me here, as we are hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder in life and please have a great Sunday filled with beautiful weather and your friends here.

Walter

thank you so much Walter, im glad to find this place and feel comfortable talking to people here.

 

[whywere]

thank you so much Walter, im glad to find this place and feel comfortable talking to people here.

I am not on here 100% of the time, but if you ever want someone to talk with, feel free to give me a shout out.

You are a very kind, caring and understanding soul with a lot of humanity in you, and I want the very best for you, my good friend.

Walter

 

[stillvoices]

This event wasn't your fault. You would have had to be the one to give her the heart attack or the water to be responsible. Her sister should have said something about the water regardless when the paramedics arrived. I can understand wanting to die to be with her but you have no responsibility for her death.