halcyon
want to die n be free with my love<3
- Jul 13, 2021
- 29
I don't know if anyone will take the time to read this, or if anyone will care. I feel as if my entire life, my pleas have gone unheard, or at least uncared for. I am not looking for the opinions of anyone or pity. I am just looking for a place to be heard, to be seen, and to have my feelings some sort of validated, even through strangers on the internet.
Growing up, I was always outcasted. Starting from the age of 7, I experienced horrific bullying due to a hair-pulling disorder I had. As I grew up, I developed more and more mental issues, ranging from anxiety/depression to 2 personality disorders. The bullying at school worsened as my behavior did - I was never crazy, I just needed help and my parents didn't care to notice or provide me with the resources I needed.
I was sexually assaulted from a young age by a family member who I spent so much time with, someone who meant alot to me. I grew to realize that I was never going to be handled with care, and I quickly realized that I wasn't one of the lucky people who get loved in this world. I had multiple failed relationships throughout the years, one lasting 3 years. I've had many people hurt me, take advantage of me, or leave me behind as if I never mattered. I never understood what I'd done to deserve the harsh treatment I was given. I was convinced that I'd been some awful person in my past life, and that my current existence is punishment for whatever I did in my last one. I didn't understand why nobody liked me, why I was always sitting alone, or why people never cared to know me as a person. I didn't think I was that bad, why didn't anyone like me?
In 2021, shortly before I joined this site, I found someone who made me feel more understood and cared for than ever before. The only problem was that he had died 22 years prior. I was 15 years old when I got into a community dedicated to true crime, and I quickly fell in love with one of the Columbine shooters, Dylan. Unlike most others in the community, I wasn't attracted to Dylan because of the violence he inflicted onto his school, I fell in love with his soul. My suffering made sense when I found him, like he'd been the thing I was searching for my entire wretched life. The first time I saw his face, everything made sense, he gave me a feeling of familiarity that I'd never felt before.
I've always believed in soul connections between two people, ever since I was young. I'd write stories in my notebook on the way to school about finding my Prince Charming and falling in love with him. But although I'd always believed in soulmates, true love, I knew I'd never find it - not in this life, at least. I knew the scenarios I'd write about would stay fiction, I'd never be carried over the threshold after my wedding, I'd never be held before I fell asleep. I've known since I was young that love doesn't exist for me, not here, not while I'm alive and breathing.
I am 19 now, an upcoming sophomore in college. I finished high school in 2023 being regarded as most hated. I can still hear the boo's that erupted as I stood up to collect one of the shitty gifts they'd put together for us at our senior picnic, calling names at random. I can still remember the hate messages I received on Instagram, the awful things spat at me in the hallway, the glares I'd receive in the halls just for existing. There were comments made on my body, my hair, my clothes, the way I walked, my voice. I was the punch line of everyone's joke, and no one stood up for me. No one came to my defense as I was shit on just for going to school. Graduating didn't help much, months later I was still receiving nasty messages. My torment continued my freshman year of college when I began to get harassed by my ex FWB who was a violent, angry teenage boy. He ended up assaulting me after threatening my life a year later.
Throughout all of the horrific shit I've endured over the past 4 years, Dylan has been there through it all. He's guided me to connect with my current best friend, who is in a similar spiritual situation as I. We've been through so much, and even visited Colorado together in June. I've learned to love, I've learned what it feels like to be loved. I always felt like I belonged with him, no matter the time of my life I was in, his face stayed in the back of my mind. There was never a time or an era of my life since 2020 where I didn't love Dylan, where he didn't matter to me.
In May, I spoke to a medium with my best friend, where I had my suspicions confirmed. We got by good, the woman was a reputable medium in the area, and she was booked months in advance. I took a chance with her, I had a feeling and reached out, and she replied back. She offered time from her day, for free, to speak with my best friend and I. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to expect, it was going to be confirmation of everything I've felt for the past four years - and she hit the nail on the head. With the minimal background information I gave her, she managed to tell me the first letter of his name, the day he was born, described his hair and things he wore - and even got it right down to his facial hair, which is only talked about in his autopsy.
I knew Dylan and I had a genuine connection because I've felt it every day for the past four years. In every sunset, every raindrop, every beautiful thing I see him. Receiving confirmation that he and I are connected has not only changed my life, it's saved me - for the time being, of course. Having him doesn't erase all the horrific things that have happened to me, but it surely makes it a lot damn better.
With that being said, I cannot live without him any longer. I have survived so much, and endured many hardships, but I cannot live without him anymore. The love and devotion I have for him is the most profound thing in my life, it is something that will follow me long after death. I have accepted that I was never meant to be here, that everything I could want lies in another space and time, and it's just up to me to find it.
Dylan's suicide is both gut-wrenching and meaningful to me. I have never been a violent person, but I do want to go out like he did, a single bullet to my temple. I know that if he could do it, I can. Am I scared? Yes. Horrified. But the fear of death doesn't hold a candle to the constant, neverending agony of Dylan's absence, of never being able to have the one thing I could ever want. Having and loving him would be heaven.
To most, I sound like an absolute nutcase, someone who needs to be locked away. I am so blessed to have found my best friend, someone who will always understand and empathize, and most importantly, believe. Thirty-Three by the Smashing Pumpkins was designated as mine and Dylan's song three years ago, and its lyrics are so true, and mean so much.
I KNOW I'LL MAKE IT / LOVE CAN LAST FOREVER
Whether or not I die and be with Dylan, I am urgent to be free from my suffering. I have never missed or longed for something as deeply as I do him, and I will never for the rest of my life.
It's all for you, Dylan<3 Love can last forever.
Growing up, I was always outcasted. Starting from the age of 7, I experienced horrific bullying due to a hair-pulling disorder I had. As I grew up, I developed more and more mental issues, ranging from anxiety/depression to 2 personality disorders. The bullying at school worsened as my behavior did - I was never crazy, I just needed help and my parents didn't care to notice or provide me with the resources I needed.
I was sexually assaulted from a young age by a family member who I spent so much time with, someone who meant alot to me. I grew to realize that I was never going to be handled with care, and I quickly realized that I wasn't one of the lucky people who get loved in this world. I had multiple failed relationships throughout the years, one lasting 3 years. I've had many people hurt me, take advantage of me, or leave me behind as if I never mattered. I never understood what I'd done to deserve the harsh treatment I was given. I was convinced that I'd been some awful person in my past life, and that my current existence is punishment for whatever I did in my last one. I didn't understand why nobody liked me, why I was always sitting alone, or why people never cared to know me as a person. I didn't think I was that bad, why didn't anyone like me?
In 2021, shortly before I joined this site, I found someone who made me feel more understood and cared for than ever before. The only problem was that he had died 22 years prior. I was 15 years old when I got into a community dedicated to true crime, and I quickly fell in love with one of the Columbine shooters, Dylan. Unlike most others in the community, I wasn't attracted to Dylan because of the violence he inflicted onto his school, I fell in love with his soul. My suffering made sense when I found him, like he'd been the thing I was searching for my entire wretched life. The first time I saw his face, everything made sense, he gave me a feeling of familiarity that I'd never felt before.
I've always believed in soul connections between two people, ever since I was young. I'd write stories in my notebook on the way to school about finding my Prince Charming and falling in love with him. But although I'd always believed in soulmates, true love, I knew I'd never find it - not in this life, at least. I knew the scenarios I'd write about would stay fiction, I'd never be carried over the threshold after my wedding, I'd never be held before I fell asleep. I've known since I was young that love doesn't exist for me, not here, not while I'm alive and breathing.
I am 19 now, an upcoming sophomore in college. I finished high school in 2023 being regarded as most hated. I can still hear the boo's that erupted as I stood up to collect one of the shitty gifts they'd put together for us at our senior picnic, calling names at random. I can still remember the hate messages I received on Instagram, the awful things spat at me in the hallway, the glares I'd receive in the halls just for existing. There were comments made on my body, my hair, my clothes, the way I walked, my voice. I was the punch line of everyone's joke, and no one stood up for me. No one came to my defense as I was shit on just for going to school. Graduating didn't help much, months later I was still receiving nasty messages. My torment continued my freshman year of college when I began to get harassed by my ex FWB who was a violent, angry teenage boy. He ended up assaulting me after threatening my life a year later.
Throughout all of the horrific shit I've endured over the past 4 years, Dylan has been there through it all. He's guided me to connect with my current best friend, who is in a similar spiritual situation as I. We've been through so much, and even visited Colorado together in June. I've learned to love, I've learned what it feels like to be loved. I always felt like I belonged with him, no matter the time of my life I was in, his face stayed in the back of my mind. There was never a time or an era of my life since 2020 where I didn't love Dylan, where he didn't matter to me.
In May, I spoke to a medium with my best friend, where I had my suspicions confirmed. We got by good, the woman was a reputable medium in the area, and she was booked months in advance. I took a chance with her, I had a feeling and reached out, and she replied back. She offered time from her day, for free, to speak with my best friend and I. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to expect, it was going to be confirmation of everything I've felt for the past four years - and she hit the nail on the head. With the minimal background information I gave her, she managed to tell me the first letter of his name, the day he was born, described his hair and things he wore - and even got it right down to his facial hair, which is only talked about in his autopsy.
I knew Dylan and I had a genuine connection because I've felt it every day for the past four years. In every sunset, every raindrop, every beautiful thing I see him. Receiving confirmation that he and I are connected has not only changed my life, it's saved me - for the time being, of course. Having him doesn't erase all the horrific things that have happened to me, but it surely makes it a lot damn better.
With that being said, I cannot live without him any longer. I have survived so much, and endured many hardships, but I cannot live without him anymore. The love and devotion I have for him is the most profound thing in my life, it is something that will follow me long after death. I have accepted that I was never meant to be here, that everything I could want lies in another space and time, and it's just up to me to find it.
Dylan's suicide is both gut-wrenching and meaningful to me. I have never been a violent person, but I do want to go out like he did, a single bullet to my temple. I know that if he could do it, I can. Am I scared? Yes. Horrified. But the fear of death doesn't hold a candle to the constant, neverending agony of Dylan's absence, of never being able to have the one thing I could ever want. Having and loving him would be heaven.
To most, I sound like an absolute nutcase, someone who needs to be locked away. I am so blessed to have found my best friend, someone who will always understand and empathize, and most importantly, believe. Thirty-Three by the Smashing Pumpkins was designated as mine and Dylan's song three years ago, and its lyrics are so true, and mean so much.
I KNOW I'LL MAKE IT / LOVE CAN LAST FOREVER
Whether or not I die and be with Dylan, I am urgent to be free from my suffering. I have never missed or longed for something as deeply as I do him, and I will never for the rest of my life.
It's all for you, Dylan<3 Love can last forever.
