Venting The possibility of failing scares me in ways that I can't even describe

[Fragile]

I'm on a short timer, If I don't succeed this time, I'm probably going to have to pray that the tumors that I have are malignant, or that I get a hearth attack. Because the way my illnesses is progressing, I probably won't even be able to have a conversation by the time I'm in my mid 30's, let alone acquire a good method ever again.

My method is N, and I'm one of the very few people that I can say have a very real chance of failing.

Not only have I been using alcohol, benzos, pregabalin and other substances that ruin my gaba tolerance for many years, I also have a very high natural tolerance to it, so you can probably imagine the amount of these drugs that I use.
Then there's the fact that, despite being weak and easy to break in more than one ways, my body is somehow extremely resilient. I've survived things that would have killed most people, from terrible lung infections and asthmatic attacks that lasted weeks, to my first attempt in which I lost over 3 litters of blood without even losing consciousness, and many, many overdoses. both times the doctor told me that it was a miracle, I interpreted it as being deeply cursed.

Maybe I'm overthinking it, I really hope that I am, because I can't picture a worse hell than the aftermath of failing this time. And I didn't even talked about the possible life long consequences from it, like the complete loss of freedom and even worse disabilities than the ones that are already awaiting for me should I continue to live.

I'll try anyway, really soon. I guess that these thoughts are inevitable since the day is slowly approaching.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

Ahhh I completely get you. I wish I had some good advice but I'm in the same boat. Failing is also one of my biggest biggest fears. although my body is sick, it has proven to be quite resilient over the years and that scared me so much. I fear that it would take a long time for the substance to kill and I'll be found, or that I will vomit when unconscious, etc it's all just terrifying to think about... :( I hope I had something helpful to say...

 

[Fragile]

Ahhh I completely get you. I wish I had some good advice but I'm in the same boat. Failing is also one of my biggest biggest fears. although my body is sick, it has proven to be quite resilient over the years and that scared me so much. I fear that it would take a long time for the substance to kill and I'll be found, or that I will vomit when unconscious, etc it's all just terrifying to think about... :( I hope I had something helpful to say...

Don't worry, commenting is more than enough I know that there's not much I can do about it anyway, this is me just venting.

The best I can do is be hopeful that everything turns the way I want it, which is also something that usually happens too.

 

[theguineapigking]

I also fear that my method will fail. I'm sorry for your pain and want to let you know that one more person here cares.

I wish you the best, should you attempt. Peace.

 

[Amumu]

Hello,

Maybe if you stop alcohol, benzos and cie now your tolerance is going to decrease.
But I wouldn't worry too much about that since N is extremely powerful such as other barbiturates.
Barbiturates aren't benzos. Or maybe you can buy more N to be sure ?

Otherwise SN isn't related to gaba receptors imo.

 

[Fragile]

Hello,

Maybe if you stop alcohol, benzos and cie now your tolerance is going to decrease.
But I wouldn't worry too much about that since N is extremely powerful such as other barbiturates.
Barbiturates aren't benzos. Or maybe you can buy more N to be sure ?

Otherwise SN isn't related to gaba receptors imo.

I've been trying for quite a while, I was able to stop drinking alcohol last year, and I've cut a bit on the pills, but the withdrawals are truly devastating, there's not much I can do in these few months.

SN is interesting and I've considered it, maybe I can sedate myself with a lot of N and then take the standard SN dose, but I think it's better to not mix methods, the vomiting chance is also very high in my case since I suffer badly from some gastric issues that could complicate SN

Thanks for your message