Sorry about this being a messy rant, I just wanted to get it out. In the 3rd month of seriously considering CTB, I'm now in a weird, blubbery crying mess of a phase. For me it's strange, I've always been a dude's dude, rarely ever cried.
I've told my ridiculous story before here but I don't have a terminal disease and I'm not in chronic physical pain like many here, who I'm so sorry to, so maybe I just sound like a big baby. But I guess it's all relative because I'm in emotional pain and agony every single moment of every single day.
Something sexual happened to me when I was young and basically I've never been sexually attracted to women until about 3 months ago. I'm almost 35 now. Always thought they were pretty, but not in a sexual way, which I know is hard to understand. Basically, I always thought I was going to be alone because of that, so I basically just did whatever I needed to do to keep myself afloat. The concept of saving money or really establishing a career never materialized for me. Really stupid shit too, like I went to Europe a couple of years ago with $1,000 in savings after I paid for it. Something really bad could've happened out there, especially with the stuff we did like hiking, where I couldn't have even covered medical expenses or gotten back home. And I was 32.
I literally just never grew up. It's almost kind of funny in a way, all of that stuff, until I remember that it's going to likely end my life and if there is punishment for doing it, could affect the afterlife or reincarnation or any of it. I just didn't get it. I literally never wondered what kind of money other people were saving or how people bought houses or anything. I didn't know laborious and hard saving money can be, especially if you don't have a high income, simply because I never did it. I'm almost 35 and the most money I've ever made was $52k for a couple of years. The most money I've ever had in my bank account at one time was $7,000. And I was 23. That was literally the most financially responsible I ever was, the time I worked at a pizzeria and at Blockbuster Video (holy shit I got old somehow) during college and went into life after. And somehow I got dumber about it.
And I have no excuse, really. I'm actually kind of smart in other areas of life. Somehow that never crossed into the American workforce or finances. I've always hated office jobs but I could've even just been a bartender my whole life and been smart about saving money and I would've been totally fine. And other people have had sexual trauma that have been perfectly fine and successful with careers, money, and marriages and kids. For some reason I was just an idiot about it. And then I never thought about saving money not only for a future but for emergencies or anything. I didn't think anything like that would happen to me. I grew up watching tv shows and movies that told me everything would be OK. And I believed it. I didn't look at other parts of the world that are starving and suffering. I didn't think about people like the ones who are here who are suffering. I was one of those assholes who never thought about people who were going through that stuff, so I apologize to people here too.
I didn't understand any part of life. What tears me up so much now is I think I could've been a really good husband and father. Now that I actually really want that for the first time, I'm accepting that financially I can't. I will never be able to give a woman the life she deserves of comfort and travel and exploring the world. I won't be able to give a child the awesome upbringing that they'd deserve. I could've given the love, attention, everything else. I see things now that I never did before. A home, a kitchen where I could cook for a wife with a bottle of wine waiting, family trips, playing with a little kid and just loving the shit out of it. I am years away from even saving a decent enough amount for it now, and I don't want to have a kid when I'm 40 because I don't want to potentially leave them alone at a not-so-old age.
It's done. I've learned all the lessons in life, what it feels like to want a family, what it takes to establish a good career and save money, to really truly love everyone and think about everyone in the world and to want to help people...and it's entirely too late. And life doesn't give a shit. If you don't figure at least the financial part of this out in your 20's, you're done. It doesn't matter what I know now, I can't change the idiot that I used to be. I know now I'd love to be a special education teacher and have a wife and kid...none of it's happening now.
There was a poster who said here once that she was grieving the loss of herself before she encountered mental illness and was going to CTB. I wish that had happened to me instead, at least she had a promising future. I'm grieving the loss of what I could have been and will never be.
I've told my ridiculous story before here but I don't have a terminal disease and I'm not in chronic physical pain like many here, who I'm so sorry to, so maybe I just sound like a big baby. But I guess it's all relative because I'm in emotional pain and agony every single moment of every single day.
Something sexual happened to me when I was young and basically I've never been sexually attracted to women until about 3 months ago. I'm almost 35 now. Always thought they were pretty, but not in a sexual way, which I know is hard to understand. Basically, I always thought I was going to be alone because of that, so I basically just did whatever I needed to do to keep myself afloat. The concept of saving money or really establishing a career never materialized for me. Really stupid shit too, like I went to Europe a couple of years ago with $1,000 in savings after I paid for it. Something really bad could've happened out there, especially with the stuff we did like hiking, where I couldn't have even covered medical expenses or gotten back home. And I was 32.
I literally just never grew up. It's almost kind of funny in a way, all of that stuff, until I remember that it's going to likely end my life and if there is punishment for doing it, could affect the afterlife or reincarnation or any of it. I just didn't get it. I literally never wondered what kind of money other people were saving or how people bought houses or anything. I didn't know laborious and hard saving money can be, especially if you don't have a high income, simply because I never did it. I'm almost 35 and the most money I've ever made was $52k for a couple of years. The most money I've ever had in my bank account at one time was $7,000. And I was 23. That was literally the most financially responsible I ever was, the time I worked at a pizzeria and at Blockbuster Video (holy shit I got old somehow) during college and went into life after. And somehow I got dumber about it.
And I have no excuse, really. I'm actually kind of smart in other areas of life. Somehow that never crossed into the American workforce or finances. I've always hated office jobs but I could've even just been a bartender my whole life and been smart about saving money and I would've been totally fine. And other people have had sexual trauma that have been perfectly fine and successful with careers, money, and marriages and kids. For some reason I was just an idiot about it. And then I never thought about saving money not only for a future but for emergencies or anything. I didn't think anything like that would happen to me. I grew up watching tv shows and movies that told me everything would be OK. And I believed it. I didn't look at other parts of the world that are starving and suffering. I didn't think about people like the ones who are here who are suffering. I was one of those assholes who never thought about people who were going through that stuff, so I apologize to people here too.
I didn't understand any part of life. What tears me up so much now is I think I could've been a really good husband and father. Now that I actually really want that for the first time, I'm accepting that financially I can't. I will never be able to give a woman the life she deserves of comfort and travel and exploring the world. I won't be able to give a child the awesome upbringing that they'd deserve. I could've given the love, attention, everything else. I see things now that I never did before. A home, a kitchen where I could cook for a wife with a bottle of wine waiting, family trips, playing with a little kid and just loving the shit out of it. I am years away from even saving a decent enough amount for it now, and I don't want to have a kid when I'm 40 because I don't want to potentially leave them alone at a not-so-old age.
It's done. I've learned all the lessons in life, what it feels like to want a family, what it takes to establish a good career and save money, to really truly love everyone and think about everyone in the world and to want to help people...and it's entirely too late. And life doesn't give a shit. If you don't figure at least the financial part of this out in your 20's, you're done. It doesn't matter what I know now, I can't change the idiot that I used to be. I know now I'd love to be a special education teacher and have a wife and kid...none of it's happening now.
There was a poster who said here once that she was grieving the loss of herself before she encountered mental illness and was going to CTB. I wish that had happened to me instead, at least she had a promising future. I'm grieving the loss of what I could have been and will never be.
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