Help The person I care for the most is the reason I want to CTB but I don't want to do that to them

[Hecuba]

I feel like I am in an impossible situation. The person I love and care for the most in this world is also the person whose future decisions are going to influence whether or not I CTB. Now, I am ok with that, I don't want to put any pressure on them or have their decision changed solely because of how they would affect me. CTB'ing would be my choice and I wouldn't put the blame on them. However, even without anything said, without any notes, they would know they were the reason if I ended up CTB'ing. That has made me feel like I should endure the misery and suffering, if it gets to it, because I don't want them to have to live with my death on their consciousness. I love them and I don't want to destroy their life, but I don't think I am capable of being selfless enough to endure misery just to avoid hurting them. I don't know what to do.

 

[rotten]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I really hope you two can work something out. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of decision will they be making?

 

[Hecuba]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I really hope you two can work something out. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of decision will they be making?

In very general terms, whether they need to disappear. It's not exactly a decision for them. It's more them sorting out how they feel. Calling it a decision might have implications that are not there, I guess.

 

[cambrai33]

This is a tough one.

Firstly is your reason to CTB anything to do with them? Reading through I didn't notice anything that confirms this so I would say if the reason is strong enough and you have no other options such as help or recovery open to you then you should make a choice that you can live with and is about you.

Not many here can CTB without having some emotion about those they will leave behind but it is a trade off against the pain of continuing living as they are.

You probably need to put a bit more context as it's hard to figure out the dynamics at play here

 

[Hecuba]

This is a tough one.

Firstly is your reason to CTB anything to do with them? Reading through I didn't notice anything that confirms this so I would say if the reason is strong enough and you have no other options such as help or recovery open to you then you should make a choice that you can live with and is about you.

Not many here can CTB without having some emotion about those they will leave behind but it is a trade off against the pain of continuing living as they are.

You probably need to put a bit more context as it's hard to figure out the dynamics at play here

They are the reason. Only in a way, though. I was having suicidal ideation long before this person entered my life, and my thoughts about CBT'ing were particularly messy right when I got to know them. I think through time it has simply become less messy, more mature in a way, I know when and how to respond to this ideation and how to understand the stakes. I tend to avoid getting into a lot of detail because it becomes very difficult to explain things when someone insist on the fact that CTB'ing because of another person is never a reasonable decision.

 

[cambrai33]

It is a difficult one for me to understand still. So you have had the idealation for a long time but we're able to process the thoughts and manage them which makes sense.

But now this person is affecting that ability to master the idealation and you are getting closer to ctb?

 

[Hecuba]

It is a difficult one for me to understand still. So you have had the idealation for a long time but we're able to process the thoughts and manage them which makes sense.

But now this person is affecting that ability to master the idealation and you are getting closer to ctb?

Damn, how do I manage to be so incoherent. I should probably stop reading incoherent books haha
Well, I was having suicidal ideation since I was a teen. It got worse in time. I am not sure I was actively suicidal, but the ideation was unbearable. Then, I got close to this person and suddenly I understood what is actually important to me and why I have been so messed up this whole time. Because I had and still have everything I could desire. In many ways, I love myself. But I have always been incapable to connect to people, care about them, enjoy their presence, etc. From family, to friends, to romantic partners -- I have been incapable to care. This person is actually alien. I met a lot of people, lived on different sides of the world, hung out in fancy circles, but have never been able to recognize that something in another person that makes me feel that they have an agency that is their own and that I have no claim over. I respect that person's decision if they need to disappear, but I don't feel eager to continue living without that sort of connection. It's not even sad or dramatic, it's pragmatically too much effort for little fulfillment.

 

[Rational man]

Loved ones can be devastated by those who cbt. Is this something you can honestly deal with ?.

 

[Hecuba]

Loved ones can be devastated by those who cbt. Is this something you can honestly deal with ?.

Can I deal with how devastated they would be if I CBT, or can I deal with my own pain so that I don't CBT?

 

[Rational man]

Can I deal with how devastated they would be if I CBT, or can I deal with my own pain so that I don't CBT?

The former doesnt apply because you wouldn't know. Your own pain NOW, knowing that the beloved could be devastated!. Does your beloved know how you feel about 'future decisions' influence on YOU.?

 

[cambrai33]

Ahhhhh now it makes sense

If this persons disappears you feel that having made this connection and then losing it, life wouldn't be completely awful but it just wouldn't be worth the effort of continuing….

So firstly I understand why you think others might find ctb because of someone else trivial but actually relationships figure pretty high in contributory factors that make people feel ctb is the only option.

My opinion, well it's time, I mean accept that you may lose what you have with this person but have an unwritten contract with yourself that you won't do anything spontaneous for a certain period. Also whilst you never found this connection previously, you at least know that it does exist and what it feels like, the unknown is whether it could exist with someone else down the line

Its a tough thing to try and rationalise in a state of emotional flux but just give yourself some time to at least be sure of things before acting out a ctb

 

[Hecuba]

The former doesnt apply because you wouldn't know. Your own pain NOW, knowing that the beloved could be devastated!. Does your beloved know how you feel about 'future decisions' influence on YOU.?

Yes, they know. Well, now it's bearable and thus I am trying to endure through it. It helps, however, to know that I would have a way out if things were to become unbearable.

Ahhhhh now it makes sense

If this persons disappears you feel that having made this connection and then losing it, life wouldn't be completely awful but it just wouldn't be worth the effort of continuing….

So firstly I understand why you think others might find ctb because of someone else trivial but actually relationships figure pretty high in contributory factors that make people feel ctb is the only option.

My opinion, well it's time, I mean accept that you may lose what you have with this person but have an unwritten contract with yourself that you won't do anything spontaneous for a certain period. Also whilst you never found this connection previously, you at least know that it does exist and what it feels like, the unknown is whether it could exist with someone else down the line

Its a tough thing to try and rationalise in a state of emotional flux but just give yourself some time to at least be sure of things before acting out a ctb

Oh yeah, definitely, I wouldn't do it impulsively. I don't think this kind of connection is something that can be had with multiple people. Not in my case. Because I would not want that. I would betray myself if I believed it possible or tried to convince myself of it enough to move on. Which would suck, but I might consider it if I get to that point solely for the other person's sake.
I am also trying to convince myself that I would have to at least wait for long enough and disappear as well just to make sure they would never find out I CTB'ed.

I really don't want to do that to them but I have a very hard time figuring out how to live with dignity and remain faithful to who I am if the suffering becomes too much.