Venting The only thing stopping me from CTB

[fruitvampire]

The only thing stopping me, really, is the fear of surviving. If I keep on living after an attempt (I've had attempts in the past, so I know this for a fact), best case scenario, I get further traumatized by the "mental health" system; worst case scenario, I end up horribly disabled.
The worst thing that could happen to me right now is keep on living under even worse conditions. When you survive an attempt, you're not right where you started, you're far worse off.
Example: I was acquaintances with a girl who didn't have her right left or arm. Why? She threw herself in front of a subway and survived, which left her physically and mentally traumatized and disabled, for the rest of her life. The idea of spending the rest of my days on this earth being reminded that I not only failed, but I actually chose to make my conditions worse, causes me deep terror.
When I woke up, after my first attempt, everyone in my family was dead worried. They were tears, confusion, so much anxiety and suffering surrounding me. It really aggravated me and made me feel like a piece of shit for wanting to put an end to my misery. I felt selfish and ashamed. "Why didn't you ask for help!?" they'd sob to me, and what could I reply? Because there's nothing in this world that I want? Because I don't want to end up exactly like this --with you screaming at me in a hysteric state while at a mental hospital?
Is anyone not scared of pain, or hurting others, but rather surviving?

 

[nomennescio]

Yep can relate a lot. If there was a way without zero possibility of that happening i wouldve been long gone.. unfortunately there isnt.

Good thing for you that you have a supportive and caring family, though i can understand the frustration with that as well a bit i guess.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm scared of leaving my love ones behind. I know I won't fail and even if I do my family promised that if I ever become brain dead, they will kill me. But if I do live, I guess it's another chance

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Actually I'm afraid of failing and hurting especially family, too. Most of us may have those feelings as this is a natural instinc thing imo. Yes it made me hesitate when I was so close to ctb. This one thing the other things is you can only really overcome those feelings wehn you're really totally desperate and hopeless for your personal future. This is such a crucial point.

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing suicide is exactly what I fear and is what sounds so incredibly horrific to me, it's just inhumane how we are denied the right to die in peace without risks and complications, this anti-suicide society disgusts me. I wish there was acceptance towards the fact that many people would prefer to not exist.