Discussion The 'oh my God it's happening' feeling

[BipolarGuy]

Even with previous attempts, how would one deal with the 'oh my God this is it' feeling on the day?

After possibly months of build up to it, and potentially lots of planning, how do you deal with this?
I'm not necessarily talking about the survival instinct that makes you pause for a second before the act, I'm talking about the surreal feeling on the day.

I've experienced this before.
I overcame the survival instinct quite easily, but the surreal feeling on the day was, well, surreal!


As an aside:
My package is in transit and apparently left the country of origin yesterday.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

You are determined to do it when you get the package?

 

[BipolarGuy]

You are determined to do it when you get the package?

Maybe not on the exact day I receive it, but I imagine soon after.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Maybe not on the exact day I receive it, but I imagine soon after.

I will miss your posts if you go. You are one of the smartest and funniest people on this site.

 

[Mr2005]

The emotional one? I don't think you can. I'd be very surprised if everyone wasn't scared shitless by the magnitude of what you're undertaking.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I will miss your posts if you go. You are one of the smartest and funniest people on this site.

Wow! Thank you.
Damn, what a thing to have said about you :)

The emotional one? I don't think you can. I'd be very surprised if everyone wasn't scared shitless by the magnitude of what you're undertaking.

Yes feeling scared is part of it certainly.
I do have prescription anti-anxiety meds so that may help.
It was also a non-specific weird feeling of "this is it, I'm not going to see the sunrise tomorrow".
Hard to describe.

 

[TooConscious]

I have the problem of worrying so badly about failing and ending up paralysed or institutionalised.
I'm way past the 'woe is me' because nobody is listening but since my life has been nothing but pain and suffering succeeding in dying and there not being anything after death just sounds too good to be true, it's as if there is a life force always working against me. If that makes sense.

To relate I also suffered heavy bleeding (genetic condition) where I ending up with 1/3rd my blood volume and even though I wanted to die it was terrifying the feeling of slipping away and I could tell I was holding on... I think to this day my fear is the only reason I'm here. This bodysuit/mind is shit, something so frail should not be allowed to exist.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I have the problem of worrying so badly about failing and ending up paralysed or institutionalised.
I'm way past the 'woe is me' because nobody is listening but since my life has been nothing but pain and suffering succeeding in dying and there not being anything after death just sounds too good to be true, it's as if there is a life force always working against me. If that makes sense.

To relate I also suffered heavy bleeding (genetic condition) where I ending up with 1/3rd my blood volume and even though I wanted to die it was terrifying the feeling of slipping away and I could tell I was holding on... I think to this day my fear is the only reason I'm here. This bodysuit/mind is shit, something so frail should not be allowed to exist.

I understand.

I'm making thorough plans this time. Well, I'm supposed to be, but despite now waiting for a delivery I haven't got around to actually sorting anything out yet - perhaps a symptom of how I'm feeling.
For instance I intend to write a will, pay for funeral (or part pay), sort out my room, destroy laptop and phone when the time gets closer, etc.

I wouldn't want to wake up after having done all that, because waking up in a hospital (or wherever) after having made all those arrangements would be a nightmare in so many ways.

One thing I have considered is that what if I'm not found and I still survive, for example through vomiting while unconscious?
I might wake up wherever I decide to do it, possibly in the dark, totally confused.
THAT would be a real life nightmare, as unlikely as it may be.

 

[TheQ22]

I've been pondering something similar, it's a kind of "I can't believe I'm going to actually do this".

I've just applied for about 30 jobs, I expect to get nowhere with them, because in the middle of it I got a rejection email from a low level govt job I applied for a few days ago, I thought I'd at least get an interview for it. But no, even that is beyond me.

So it's looking like it's going to be my only real option - to catch that blinking bus with the rest of you. Make sure you save me a seat.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I've been pondering something similar, it's a kind of "I can't believe I'm going to actually do this".

I've just applied for about 30 jobs, I expect to get nowhere with them, because in the middle of it I got a rejection email from a low level govt job I applied for a few days ago, I thought I'd at least get an interview for it. But no, even that is beyond me.

So it's looking like it's going to be my only real option - to catch that blinking bus with the rest of you. Make sure you save me a seat.

Exactly!
The "I can't believe I'm doing this" or "I can't believe how fast time has flown by and the time has finally come" feeling.

I am pleased you're still attempting to find an alternative route. I'm rather fond of you, so this pleases me :)

 

[TheQ22]

I love you too :)

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I understand.

I'm making thorough plans this time. Well, I'm supposed to be, but despite now waiting for a delivery I haven't got around to actually sorting anything out yet - perhaps a symptom of how I'm feeling.
For instance I intend to write a will, pay for funeral (or part pay), sort out my room, destroy laptop and phone when the time gets closer, etc.

I wouldn't want to wake up after having done all that, because waking up in a hospital (or wherever) after having made all those arrangements would be a nightmare in so many ways.

One thing I have considered is that what if I'm not found and I still survive, for example through vomiting while unconscious?
I might wake up wherever I decide to do it, possibly in the dark, totally confused.
THAT would be a real life nightmare, as unlikely as it may be.

I OD'd on antidepressants and benzos twelve years ago (I've read somewhere that the antidepressant I was on at that time can be lethal in high doses). I vomitted most of it and fell asleep. I did not wipe my devices, luckily. When I woke up, the back of my head was bleeding - I must have fallen or hit something, I don't remember any of it. I called the ambulance and I was so confused that I told them I took some pills two weeks ago, I did not make any sense. I got 3 stitches, spent the night at a psych ward and they released me in the morning when I told them that I did it on impulse. Terrible experience altogether.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I OD'd on antidepressants and benzos twelve years ago (I've read somewhere that the antidepressant I was on at that time can be lethal in high doses). I vomitted most of it and fell asleep. I did not wipe my devices, luckily. When I woke up, the back of my head was bleeding - I must have fallen or hit something, I don't remember any of it. I called the ambulance and I was so confused that I told them I took some pills two weeks ago, I did not make any sense. I got 3 stitches, spent the night at a psych ward and they released me in the morning when I told them that I did it on impulse. Terrible experience altogether.

I won't go into details about my experiences because I want to do the best I can to remain anonymous, but I have twice overdosed on sleeping pills.

On both occasions I experienced heavily blurred vision and slurred speech. On one of the occasions I tried walking and couldn't walk straight.
Also massive confusion. The police phoned me on one of those occasions because a friend guessed what I was doing due to me sending goodbye messages. I forgot who I was speaking to while on the phone to the police, and I literally said "hold on, who on Earth is this" all of a sudden. That took the policeman back a bit, but he was sharp enough to quickly realise it was due to the effects of the stuff I had taken.
I collapsed on both occasions, but don't remember passing out. I just woke up on the ground.

 

[Blueman]

I've been pondering something similar, it's a kind of "I can't believe I'm going to actually do this".

I've just applied for about 30 jobs, I expect to get nowhere with them, because in the middle of it I got a rejection email from a low level govt job I applied for a few days ago, I thought I'd at least get an interview for it. But no, even that is beyond me.

So it's looking like it's going to be my only real option - to catch that blinking bus with the rest of you. Make sure you save me a seat.

It's almost impossible to get a job as far as I'm concerned these days.
Everyone whose working insists keep trying and you'll get something.
How do they know they're not even looking

 

[TheQ22]

It's almost impossible to get a job as far as I'm concerned these days.
Everyone whose working insists keep trying and you'll get something.
How do they know they're not even looking

It's like people who have lots of money - work harder, cut back, etc. Giving advice while burning cash like there's no tomorrow (I say this because one I know while knowing I'm struggling is telling me about their tale of woe that the hot tub at their multi million pound home needs a new £700 circuit board, so it's a toss up between paying for it, or giving this hot tub away and buying a newer model).

In the meantime, how can I cut back from nothing to less than nothing?

 

[BipolarGuy]

It's like people who have lots of money - work harder, cut back, etc. Giving advice while burning cash like there's no tomorrow (I say this because one I know while knowing I'm struggling is telling me about their tale of woe that the hot tub at their multi million pound home needs a new £700 circuit board, so it's a toss up between paying for it, or giving this hot tub away and buying a newer model).

In the meantime, how can I cut back from nothing to less than nothing?

Bold:
Exactly.
When you tell people you have financial issues they usually assume one of two things: debt or inability to maintain lifestyle.
Consequently the standard advice is to rein in your expenditure.
But if you don't have enough money for basic living and are not over spending, then this advice makes no sense.

 

[Blueman]

It's like people who have lots of money - work harder, cut back, etc. Giving advice while burning cash like there's no tomorrow (I say this because one I know while knowing I'm struggling is telling me about their tale of woe that the hot tub at their multi million pound home needs a new £700 circuit board, so it's a toss up between paying for it, or giving this hot tub away and buying a newer model).

In the meantime, how can I cut back from nothing to less than nothing?

Tough choice what did you advise them :)
And they all say I was unemployed in blah blah year and I kept at it and got a job.
I'm 55 and there's a pandemic on and I've got depression it's not comparable, to being unemployed at 20 in 1996 or something

 

[TheQ22]

Tough choice what did you advise them :)
And they all say I was unemployed in blah blah year and I kept at it and got a job.
I'm 55 and there's a pandemic on and I've got depression it's not comparable, to being unemployed at 20 in 1996 or something

I just nodded understandingly and said ooh yes, that's terrible. Oh it's an old model, it's not as green as the newer ones? Ooh terrible.

They got their money because the father set up a business and did super well, made about £9 million when he sold the business is in 1990 or whenever. Parents now dead, all money in a trust between 2 people - probably got access to maybe £10 million or so between them.

The guy who set up the business and made the money - nothing but respect for him, started with nothing, did national service, had an idea, pumped all of their money into it (couldn't even afford a box of matches at one point and lived in an old caravan in the middle of winter) but worked super hard and made a lot of money. He really understood it's value, and while he lived well didn't waste it.

The kids - one has a cinema room in the house with a top of the line projector, bulbs alone are £100's - then a new version comes out - get that - then a new one - get that - spend, spend, spend, and no understanding of the value of money at all.

In fact once bought an old barn and had it converted, spent about £8K on the kitchen alone (you're talking about 30 years ago). Didn't like the layout, so had it ripped out and a new one put in. Like 4 months later.

OOh you should get your kitchen done, ours only cost £8K - I was earning about £17K a year at the time.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I just nodded understandingly and said ooh yes, that's terrible. Oh it's an old model, it's not as green as the newer ones? Ooh terrible.

They got their money because the father set up a business and did super well, made about £9 million when he sold the business is in 1990 or whenever. Parents now dead, all money in a trust between 2 people - probably got access to maybe £10 million or so between them.

The guy who set up the business and made the money - nothing but respect for him, started with nothing, did national service, had an idea, pumped all of their money into it (couldn't even afford a box of matches at one point and lived in an old caravan in the middle of winter) but worked super hard and made a lot of money. He really understood it's value, and while he lived well didn't waste it.

The kids - one has a cinema room in the house with a top of the line projector, bulbs alone are £100's - then a new version comes out - get that - then a new one - get that - spend, spend, spend, and no understanding of the value of money at all.

In fact once bought an old barn and had it converted, spent about £8K on the kitchen alone (you're talking about 30 years ago). Didn't like the layout, so had it ripped out and a new one put in. Like 4 months later.

OOh you should get your kitchen done, ours only cost £8K - I was earning about £17K a year at the time.

Typical problem with people who don't have to earn it....they don't understand the value of it.

 

[Blueman]

I just nodded understandingly and said ooh yes, that's terrible. Oh it's an old model, it's not as green as the newer ones? Ooh terrible.

They got their money because the father set up a business and did super well, made about £9 million when he sold the business is in 1990 or whenever. Parents now dead, all money in a trust between 2 people - probably got access to maybe £10 million or so between them.

The guy who set up the business and made the money - nothing but respect for him, started with nothing, did national service, had an idea, pumped all of their money into it (couldn't even afford a box of matches at one point and lived in an old caravan in the middle of winter) but worked super hard and made a lot of money. He really understood it's value, and while he lived well didn't waste it.

The kids - one has a cinema room in the house with a top of the line projector, bulbs alone are £100's - then a new version comes out - get that - then a new one - get that - spend, spend, spend, and no understanding of the value of money at all.

In fact once bought an old barn and had it converted, spent about £8K on the kitchen alone (you're talking about 30 years ago). Didn't like the layout, so had it ripped out and a new one put in. Like 4 months later.

OOh you should get your kitchen done, ours only cost £8K - I was earning about £17K a year at the time.

Christ I couldn't handle that family.

At least my friends who've got money live in the real world and worked rather than inherited as I've been looking for work for 6 months a few are beginning to acknowledge it's not actually that easy.

Luckily I do have a bit of savings but they won't last forever its the boredom and constant rejections that could push me to ctb initially

 

[TheQ22]

Christ I couldn't handle that family.

At least my friends who've got money live in the real world and worked rather than inherited as I've been looking for work for 6 months a few are beginning to acknowledge it's not actually that easy.

Luckily I do have a bit of savings but they won't last forever its the boredom and constant rejections that could push me to ctb initially

Sadly it's my family that married into that family.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family member, but when they've never had to have a job or pay their way, or earn their keep - it sticks in the craw a bit to listen to it.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Sadly it's my family that married into that family.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family member, but when they've never had to have a job or pay their way, or earn their keep - it sticks in the craw a bit to listen to it.

The worst thing about people like that is despite the fact that they didn't have to work for anything they've got, they tend to think that people who have less than them simply don't work hard enough.

 

[Vault of Memories]

No matter how bad things get I know the day it comes is going to be nerve wrecking for me. Kind of that 'I can't believe it's come to this' type of thought.

Going to have to be slightly intoxicated to calm me down a bit.

 

[TooConscious]

I understand.

I'm making thorough plans this time. Well, I'm supposed to be, but despite now waiting for a delivery I haven't got around to actually sorting anything out yet - perhaps a symptom of how I'm feeling.
For instance I intend to write a will, pay for funeral (or part pay), sort out my room, destroy laptop and phone when the time gets closer, etc.

I wouldn't want to wake up after having done all that, because waking up in a hospital (or wherever) after having made all those arrangements would be a nightmare in so many ways.

One thing I have considered is that what if I'm not found and I still survive, for example through vomiting while unconscious?
I might wake up wherever I decide to do it, possibly in the dark, totally confused.
THAT would be a real life nightmare, as unlikely as it may be.

Unfortunately you are thinking logically, that is not too unlikely with methods ingestible, people swear by them because they don't like to face the truth like we have that failure is possible.
Like I used to think about doing on heroin but there is a high likelihood of surviving so tieing myself up deep in woods at night so if that was the case the cold would kill me but that won't be a nice way to go.

 

[xLosthopex]

Can I ask what your method is? I'm presuming N or SN?

 

[NihilisticTendencies]

I hope, if you do decide to go, you'll go smoothly and painlessly. No one deserves a painful death, especially if it's on their own terms.
Best wishes!

 

[BipolarGuy]

I hope, if you do decide to go, you'll go smoothly and painlessly. No one deserves a painful death, especially if it's on their own terms.
Best wishes!

Thank you.

I actually have everything I need other than a package I'm waiting for.

I have anti-anxiety meds and anti-sickness meds. This should hopefully help to an extent with the surreal feeling.

I've also decided that I'm going to get a massage on the day. Maybe the day before too

 

[tryingtoescape]

I've thought about this a lot. I guess I should try to see the feeling as normal and inevitable.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

you will be missed here BipolarGuy. I also enjoy reading your replies and threads. For me it's fairly easy. When that police officer told me my son died in a car accident that morning- I mentally and emotionally died right there. By body didn't go and I've been left here for almost 3 years in such pain. One thing I think will help me is I believe in my afterlife I will be reunited with my son. So I get to drink, eat some chocolate and imagine in my mind seeing him again and spirit hugging him. My attempts in my teen years were mostly drunk pms impulses. I can say for me- waiting for my chosen day is going to be hard. My package came last saturday and I just kiss it and hope I can wait it out. I just want to be with my son..