milknife02
Member
- Aug 13, 2024
- 10
A lot of pain brought me to this point. But after mentally packing my bags, I am almost entirely numb. I used to cry in the bathroom at work and cry for hours in my car or at home. I don't think I could do that now even if I pushed myself. I used to have these strong, intense, vivid imaginary scenarios that could keep me entertained for hours. And now my head is empty. I was so sensitive but I can't feel anything at this point. I always imagined being distraught before I died. I think about my planned death everyday and how I'm so sure thats why there's been this shift. The confirmation that it will end, how that gets closer and closer. I'm glad I don't have the intense pain anymore but I'm kind of annoyed that its taken literally all my other thoughts and feelings with it. I really am a shell. It's odd but not completely unknown. Does anyone else who's planning to ctb feel this? The numbness? Not 'oh I've always felt that my entire life' but 'yes since planning to ctb I have become an empty person?'
