I have had a good day today I phoned with my best friend for 3 hours and played video games. I will try to use the positive vibes for a positive thread.
I fantasized a lot about my suicide in the past. Especially when I was close to rock bottom. I think two times I ruminated about suicide 24/7 for at least half a year. I approached suicide and came closer to finally doing it. This is something also have noticed in the past. I have become more and more serious about going through with it because I had the feeling I come closer to my (pain) limit.
However I am still here. As a teenager I thought if anything major terrifiying happened I would ctb right away. I did not have any knowledge about methods. I watched series where the protagonists mix some wine and sleeping pills and they peacefully die right away.
This is not my personal experience with suicide. Besides the point that acquiring safe and lethal methods is very difficult the survival instinct can be extremely strong. Especially for a person like me who is prone to overanalyzing and extreme worrying.
When I was younger I thought I would not reach my current age. After my first major breakdown I gave life 2 years to get better. It got way better within 1 year but I deteriorated extremely after one year (mania) and crashed into depression. I never reached that high again also because it was manic and I prefer to avoid that.
I would have never believed I was so strong to stomach all that pain. When I was younger I had a more naive notion of suicide. You just do it without thinking too much about it and then everything is done pretty quickly and painlessly. The method might be painless however the process of contemplating suicide can be extremely painful. For me planning my suicide was pretty horrible. However I think in the end if I hit another rock bottom personally I prefer suicide over enduring that extreme pain once again. But surely this naive notion of suicide going through with it would be easy and an easy way out was completely wrong. For me in order to overcome the SI extreme agony over a very long time period is necessary. In some way I had a romantic relationship with suicide. If something severely bad happened I would ctb within some days without thinking too much. This was my thought as a teenager. Well for me this is far away from the reality.
I never thought I was capable to underego this amount of pain of the last years. The notion to commit suicide was often very relieving for me. I fantasized about doing it which gave me some control back. If I had to experience all of this insane pain (without my own fault) at least I ccould decide when my limit is crossed.
Imagining my suicide was ( or is) a coping skill. It was (or is) a pain reliever. The notion to stop existing was my clear preference. I wanted to end that pain.
But I also was able to distance myself from that. I thought about doing it excessively. Then during a major crisis 5 years ago I stood on the 7th floor of a builing
I wanted to know how it feels like to look death deep into its eyes. And it was frightening. It was a real existential experience. On that 7th floor I promised me to try everything that is possible to avoid that outcome. There was a deep sadness in myself about imagining that outcome for me. I did not want to die that way I was convinced I do not deserve such an outcome after all the abuse and bullying I had to face.
When I was on this balcony I seriously considered all the different options I had. I wanted to give life another shot. There was real existential pain being so close to dying. And I did not even want to really jump. I thought it is not high enough to be safe enough not to survive becoming disabled forever. Still it was bone-shaking.
So I said to myself suicide is one of many options in my life there are other alternatives. I wanted to explore all other options I had before I do this existential step.
This is my major conclusion for this thread and which I have come to after my past. I still think I won't have an happy end but there are still surprises possible. It is very difficult to predict the future. Some of the smartest people in the world are trying to predict the future I have met one and they all had the opinion to predict the future is extremely difficult.
Cheers!
I fantasized a lot about my suicide in the past. Especially when I was close to rock bottom. I think two times I ruminated about suicide 24/7 for at least half a year. I approached suicide and came closer to finally doing it. This is something also have noticed in the past. I have become more and more serious about going through with it because I had the feeling I come closer to my (pain) limit.
However I am still here. As a teenager I thought if anything major terrifiying happened I would ctb right away. I did not have any knowledge about methods. I watched series where the protagonists mix some wine and sleeping pills and they peacefully die right away.
This is not my personal experience with suicide. Besides the point that acquiring safe and lethal methods is very difficult the survival instinct can be extremely strong. Especially for a person like me who is prone to overanalyzing and extreme worrying.
When I was younger I thought I would not reach my current age. After my first major breakdown I gave life 2 years to get better. It got way better within 1 year but I deteriorated extremely after one year (mania) and crashed into depression. I never reached that high again also because it was manic and I prefer to avoid that.
I would have never believed I was so strong to stomach all that pain. When I was younger I had a more naive notion of suicide. You just do it without thinking too much about it and then everything is done pretty quickly and painlessly. The method might be painless however the process of contemplating suicide can be extremely painful. For me planning my suicide was pretty horrible. However I think in the end if I hit another rock bottom personally I prefer suicide over enduring that extreme pain once again. But surely this naive notion of suicide going through with it would be easy and an easy way out was completely wrong. For me in order to overcome the SI extreme agony over a very long time period is necessary. In some way I had a romantic relationship with suicide. If something severely bad happened I would ctb within some days without thinking too much. This was my thought as a teenager. Well for me this is far away from the reality.
I never thought I was capable to underego this amount of pain of the last years. The notion to commit suicide was often very relieving for me. I fantasized about doing it which gave me some control back. If I had to experience all of this insane pain (without my own fault) at least I ccould decide when my limit is crossed.
Imagining my suicide was ( or is) a coping skill. It was (or is) a pain reliever. The notion to stop existing was my clear preference. I wanted to end that pain.
But I also was able to distance myself from that. I thought about doing it excessively. Then during a major crisis 5 years ago I stood on the 7th floor of a builing
I wanted to know how it feels like to look death deep into its eyes. And it was frightening. It was a real existential experience. On that 7th floor I promised me to try everything that is possible to avoid that outcome. There was a deep sadness in myself about imagining that outcome for me. I did not want to die that way I was convinced I do not deserve such an outcome after all the abuse and bullying I had to face.
When I was on this balcony I seriously considered all the different options I had. I wanted to give life another shot. There was real existential pain being so close to dying. And I did not even want to really jump. I thought it is not high enough to be safe enough not to survive becoming disabled forever. Still it was bone-shaking.
So I said to myself suicide is one of many options in my life there are other alternatives. I wanted to explore all other options I had before I do this existential step.
This is my major conclusion for this thread and which I have come to after my past. I still think I won't have an happy end but there are still surprises possible. It is very difficult to predict the future. Some of the smartest people in the world are trying to predict the future I have met one and they all had the opinion to predict the future is extremely difficult.
Cheers!
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