Backstory: due to my deteriorating major depressive disorder I basically haven't been able to attend my day job for the best part of the year. They've been INCREDIBLE and once my sick leave ran out basically told me that given my long years of previous stellar employment they'll keep me on unpaid leave and I can come back whenever I'm ready, no questions asked. I've been rallying to return next year. I haven't tried to go on disability as I know there's no point as Centrelink will reject me (any Aussies here will know what I'm talking about). They don't consider depression a sufficient disability, to get a pension for mental health reasons here you have to have, like, severe psychosis. And like I say I've hoped I'll be well enough to work again and been slowly getting there.
I've managed to work casual cash jobs to live day to day but have fallen in arrears with the mortgage even on financial hardship support. I was served a default notice today meaning that if I don't pay the arrears owed by mid January they'll commence foreclosure.
I knew it was coming and I actually felt very calm and unemotional. I've prepared an application to my super fund for early access on compassionate grounds (I'm Australian, we have this). I'll still need to find some extra money as the payout won't cover everything I owe (legally they can only release a certain amount).
But I'm feeling serene because the countdown has started and there's a good chance I'll be able to escape all this soon. If my super fund deny my application and/or I'm not able to sort out the rest owed or come to a new arrangement with the bank, then that's it, I'm done. I'll take it as the sign that it's okay to wave the white flag and there's no need for me to keep staggering numbly through life with no joy or anything to look forward to.
I'm 38, female, single and childless. Existence is only going to get worse from here. I can't remember the last time I felt joy or genuine comfort as opposed to just performing an activity to numb and anaesthetise myself like drinking myself unconscious or losing myself in the sensation of purging (I am bulimic and binge and purge because I'm kind of addicted to the feeling of purging myself empty and numb.)
I'd been hoping to put off suicide until my mother passes, but have accepted that's u realistic. I've also accepted the guilt that my attempt to be the functional offspring compared to my sister who also has mental health problems, and is much more demonstrative and demanding of time and energy than me (I don't mean that meanly, it's just a fact that she's the one my mum has to focus her energy on and I've deliberately kept all my shit hidden) will fail and there's a chance I could trigger my sister into suiciding after me. I can't take responsibility for that, I'm suffering too and I want it to be over.
I've confirmed with authorities that as long as I don't have a will, if the bank don't recoup all I owe from selling my shitty little unit there's no way they can come after my mother for anything, my debt will die with me.
The end is in sight. If I can't keep my home then that's it, I'm done.
I've managed to work casual cash jobs to live day to day but have fallen in arrears with the mortgage even on financial hardship support. I was served a default notice today meaning that if I don't pay the arrears owed by mid January they'll commence foreclosure.
I knew it was coming and I actually felt very calm and unemotional. I've prepared an application to my super fund for early access on compassionate grounds (I'm Australian, we have this). I'll still need to find some extra money as the payout won't cover everything I owe (legally they can only release a certain amount).
But I'm feeling serene because the countdown has started and there's a good chance I'll be able to escape all this soon. If my super fund deny my application and/or I'm not able to sort out the rest owed or come to a new arrangement with the bank, then that's it, I'm done. I'll take it as the sign that it's okay to wave the white flag and there's no need for me to keep staggering numbly through life with no joy or anything to look forward to.
I'm 38, female, single and childless. Existence is only going to get worse from here. I can't remember the last time I felt joy or genuine comfort as opposed to just performing an activity to numb and anaesthetise myself like drinking myself unconscious or losing myself in the sensation of purging (I am bulimic and binge and purge because I'm kind of addicted to the feeling of purging myself empty and numb.)
I'd been hoping to put off suicide until my mother passes, but have accepted that's u realistic. I've also accepted the guilt that my attempt to be the functional offspring compared to my sister who also has mental health problems, and is much more demonstrative and demanding of time and energy than me (I don't mean that meanly, it's just a fact that she's the one my mum has to focus her energy on and I've deliberately kept all my shit hidden) will fail and there's a chance I could trigger my sister into suiciding after me. I can't take responsibility for that, I'm suffering too and I want it to be over.
I've confirmed with authorities that as long as I don't have a will, if the bank don't recoup all I owe from selling my shitty little unit there's no way they can come after my mother for anything, my debt will die with me.
The end is in sight. If I can't keep my home then that's it, I'm done.
