The Need to Be Special

[StrawberryRed]

CW: Grueseome methods.

When I'm suicidal I always feel the need to be special or different to other suicides, I need people to know it was real pain ig? I obsessively read statistics on suicide and then work to go against them. Like for me I spent months planning ahead ( which is what lead me to this site) because that would be considered atypical. I reveled in the fact I have no diagnosis and ouldnt have been predicted. I also OBSESSED over gun suicides since I, as a girl, wouldn't be expected to do that. Even when I gave up on that ( I live in Canada) I still needed it to be like a spectacle. I considered jumping off Niagara Falls(????), setting myself on fire, decapitation, stabbing a hole in my stomach and drinking my blood/ pulling my organs out(?!?!?!?!(I was a little psychotic)). Basically the bloodier the better. I guess it felt like if I went down the typical route people wouldn't care or take it seriously when I died and I neeeeeded people to see how bad it was. Its kinda been that way with everything in my life, that I feel the need to stand out, but its weird how it manifested in my suicidal thoughts. I dont feel this way anymore its just weird to think about!!

 

[Chaosire]

I don't know if I'd go for any of those methods, they sound unique but extremely painful. I don't think it's necessary to go that big for your suicide to get noticed. I think the fact that you'd be willing to take your own life says enough about how much you are suffering.

But I do get the need to stand out. I don't what sparked that internalised need for you personally, but everyone should be heard and feel noticed and appreciated. I'm sorry if that's something you've been lacking your whole life, you deserve better.

 

[Alpenglow]

Now, I'm not sure what to say to that, I do have somewhat of a romanticised idea of blood, maybe from being dropped on the head too much as a child. But if you want to pull it off, I would suggest getting a general anaesthetic that numbs the whole body, so that you may, uh, "paint" your canvas. Although finding other special painless ways may be preferable.

I can't offer much else, but if you'd like someone to listen or give (subpar) advice, I can try being that person ^^

 

[Chaosire]

Also, maybe a very far stretch:
Look up 'histrionic personality disorder'. I got diagnosed with that, a few years ago, and I do somewhat recognise that part of myself in your post xD

 

[Diogenetic Ruse]

CW: Grueseome methods. When I'm suicidal I always feel the need to be special or different to other suicides, I need people to know it was real pain ig? I obsessively read statistics on suicide and then work to go against them. Like for me I spent months planning ahead ( which is what lead me to this site) because that would be considered atypical. I reveled in the fact I have no diagnosis and ouldnt have been predicted. I also OBSESSED over gun suicides since I, as a girl, wouldn't be expected to do that. Even when I gave up on that ( I live in Canada) I still needed it to be like a spectacle. I considered jumping off Niagara Falls(????), setting myself on fire, decapitation, stabbing a hole in my stomach and drinking my blood/ pulling my organs out(?!?!?!?!(I was a little psychotic)). Basically the bloodier the better. I guess it felt like if I went down the typical route people wouldn't care or take it seriously when I died and I neeeeeded people to see how bad it was. Its kinda been that way with everything in my life, that I feel the need to stand out, but its weird how it manifested in my suicidal thoughts.

The need to be different stems from a deep-seated desire for individuality and self-expression, as people often seek to carve out their unique identities in a world that can feel homogenized. This quest for distinction can inspire creativity and encourage change, allowing individuals to stand out and contribute meaningfully to society. However, it can also lead to feelings of isolation or pressure, as the pursuit of uniqueness may conflict with social acceptance and belonging. Fundamentally, balancing the desire for authenticity with the innate human need for connection is a fundamental aspect of the human life.