The N came in mail, didn’t expect to cry

[Final Escape]

I went to pick it up today, and thought I would be relieved but then sad feelings came over me. I hate that I'm unwilling to try to change my life or feel like I'm cowardly for deciding to ctb. I guess there's like a guilt for wanting to go out prematurely, even though my life is quite dysfunctional and difficult. It's not like I have nothing I get pleasure out of but ultimately I'm not goin to be alright unless I ctb or try to make changes. Anyway, just sharing feelings today.

 

[BipolarExpat]

It's not like I have nothing I get pleasure out of...

Well, that's pretty huge from where I'm sitting. I mean, I honestly have lost my pleasure receptors, if you will. Nothing but dread remains, so,...I dunno. What you bought yourself is insurance. Hold onto it. No reason to rush anything now.

 

[Final Escape]

Well, that's pretty huge from where I'm sitting. I mean, I honestly have lost my pleasure receptors, if you will. Nothing but dread remains, so,...I dunno. What you bought yourself is insurance. Hold onto it. No reason to rush anything now.

Right, of course. I'm relieved to have it. This might help me have the courage to attempt to fail at stuff again. For some reason if I fail without this insurance it's more scary. If I try to change my life knowing I can go if I really exhausted all other options then it's there. It is helpful to have it. I'm not an impulsive type with suicide so just because it's here doesn't mean I'll down it because of a bad day lol! I can be impulsive but just not when it comes to permanent decisions like ctb.

 

[BipolarExpat]

I understand.
You sound sensible.

This may be what you needed to start your recovery.

Wishing you the very best!

 

[Shamana]

I went to pick it up today, and thought I would be relieved but then sad feelings came over me. I hate that I'm unwilling to try to change my life or feel like I'm cowardly for deciding to ctb. I guess there's like a guilt for wanting to go out prematurely, even though my life is quite dysfunctional and difficult. It's not like I have nothing I get pleasure out of but ultimately I'm not goin to be alright unless I ctb or try to make changes. Anyway, just sharing feelings today.

Why shouldn't you feel sad about procuring stuff to end your life? It's completely natural. I don't believe people comitting or thinking about suicide want to die. They are just exhausted by the suffering in their lives and are hopeless. It would be stranger if you did not feel conflicted and sad.

Which country did you receive N in?

 

[Final Escape]

Why shouldn't you feel sad about procuring stuff to end your life? It's completely natural. I don't believe people comitting or thinking about suicide want to die. They are just exhausted by the suffering in their lives and are hopeless. It would be stranger if you did not feel conflicted and sad.

Which country did you receive N in?

The US

 

[lululoo]

Well, that's pretty huge from where I'm sitting. I mean, I honestly have lost my pleasure receptors, if you will. Nothing but dread remains, so,...I dunno. What you bought yourself is insurance. Hold onto it. No reason to rush anything now.

You're not the first person I've heard say this, the idea that if you can still experience pleasure then you should live. I'm not sure it's so black and white though. I still get some pleasures -- from eating, entertainment, and sometimes a laugh with family or friends -- but can I really continue to live a life that is largely miserable (and for me physically painful as well)? Maybe some people can live for the moments of pleasure, but I feel like I need more. Especially considering the ratio of misery to pleasure gets larger each passing year.
Final Escape, sorry to but in on your thread and I'm not trying to sway you either way. I'm glad you will make a careful decision on what to do with your N.

 

[BipolarExpat]

I understand lulu

Thanks for the clarity & clarification

Hope you don't mind if I still envy your pleasure points a little ;)

 

[lululoo]

I understand lulu

Thanks for the clarity & clarification

Hope you don't mind if I still envy your pleasure points a little ;)

Of course not. I'm sorry you don't get those moments. Sometimes I wish I was like that because I figure it would make it easier to CTB, but I know it must be awful.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

Well, whatever it is you decide to do, I wish you peace and success.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I went to pick it up today, and thought I would be relieved but then sad feelings came over me. I hate that I'm unwilling to try to change my life or feel like I'm cowardly for deciding to ctb. I guess there's like a guilt for wanting to go out prematurely, even though my life is quite dysfunctional and difficult. It's not like I have nothing I get pleasure out of but ultimately I'm not goin to be alright unless I ctb or try to make changes. Anyway, just sharing feelings today.

I'm glad you didn't have any trouble getting your N. I hope you find peace, whatever decision you make.

 

[not_a_robot]

Wait, I did not think this was possible?
How?