The myth of "reaching out"

[AnxiousGhost]

All the ads and stuff about reaching out got me good. All I got from sharing thoughts about anxiety and depression was people pushing me away and seeing me as someone who just victimised himself. I can't take it anymore, being blamed for not even trying when all my life I have been trying to be nice to everyone. I never wanted any of this. Crazy how people will tell you that your problem is your low self-esteem, not the people ignoring you or putting you down. They are allowed to hate you, but you have to love yourself otherwise you are just self pity-ing yourself into your self made depression.

I just wish I could vanish so I wouldn't be forced to live this life.

 

[Neowise]

"Please reach out - but not to me!"

 

[ctbcat]

I can't take it anymore, being blamed for not even trying when all my life I have been trying to be nice to everyone.

i felt this a lot

i like how people assume you're 'not even trying' because it's not visible to them. because it's expected - you're meant to make every problem invisible. you're meant to make every problem small and insignificant until it explodes out your eyes or your mouth like projectile vomit lolol... people like us try all the time. subconsciously or consciously. i mean, to continue to live, to not starve, dehydrate to death, everyone has to try a little. life is just endless trying with no reward, no acknowledgement, and if you fail to try, or if you do one thing that contradicts that trying? THAT defines you now....

thank you for trying to be kind, though. thank you for using the little energy you might have left to try and make people feel a little better.

 

[UKscotty]

People don't know how to help and we have unrealistic expectations most the time.

Personally I think 100% of the blame is with governments and pharmaceutical companies, and out of that, the UK and US governments as most of the pharmaceutical companies are based there.

There is too much profit keeping people sick to invest in suicide prevention and recovery.

Its ridiculously easy for people of all ages to CTB and the government does not, despite increasing CTB rates in both countries.

 

[Meteora]

All the ads and stuff about reaching out got me good. All I got from sharing thoughts about anxiety and depression was people pushing me away and seeing me as someone who just victimised himself. I can't take it anymore, being blamed for not even trying when all my life I have been trying to be nice to everyone. I never wanted any of this. Crazy how people will tell you that your problem is your low self-esteem, not the people ignoring you or putting you down. They are allowed to hate you, but you have to love yourself otherwise you are just self pity-ing yourself into your self made depression.

I just wish I could vanish so I wouldn't be forced to live this life.

So true, so very true.....

And once you cant take it anymore and start to get angry you are sick and have pathological anger.

Its entirely sick.

 

[BrainShower]

This is how society deals with most of its problems, turning the blame on the victim.
Then the problem magically goes away, without any effort at all. Yay!

 

[Shrike]

They got me really good, too. Lost so much time and energy to that. "Reach out", "help is available", "be yourself". But every attempt at that only made things worse, because suddenly you're not doing it right, or you're trauma dumping, you're hard to like, you should just address this with a therapist, far away from us. The more open I was, the less people wanted to talk to me. Even friends would tire of me. It made me aware of how limited and transactional everything actually was.

And then there's the predators. Who, oddly enough, actually seem to have a very good idea of what "help" genuinely looks like. Why is it that only predators are willing to provide even the pretense of "help"?

It's such irresponsible messaging. Vulnerable and victimized people in my experience actually need to armor themselves up and be very careful with who they reveal themselves to and when and how, and sadly that also includes professionals. And true help and acceptance is so rare you sadly need to be suspicious of it.

People don't know how to help and we have unrealistic expectations most the time.

Don't be a dick. Have some compassion. Do not invalidate. Do not preach. Do not use mentally ill people as a socially permissible punching bag.

Most people fail even these and these are not unrealistic expectations.

The real trick is to get a physical injury. Suddenly, people seem to have all these skills and meet all these unrealistic expectations. They just don't think the mentally ill deserve it, that's the issue and always have been the issue, and until that's fixed, people should shut up about help being available.

 

[Exact Change]

That's a reason I like this site so much. The people here understand. Reaching out to "friends" just leads to being dismissed by people that just can't relate.

 

[matt1968]

It's really difficult.

I find it very hard to reach out when I am okayish, and that's the trick I think I've never properly got.

Once it runs out of control for me, my needs are massive. So actually, realistically for me, I almost need a really good friend to spend 2 months getting me from nearly completely suicidal to some wanting for life. But that's what it would take. And in the early days, not easy with someone who has given up.

To people that's unrealistic - I have asked people (or indirectly stated my needs) and it's mainly ignored.

It's like realism doesn't meet realism.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

In my own experience, everytime I have tried to reach out - to friends(?), family - I either get the complete brush off or they try to pawn me off to a therapist. Regardless of the fact that I've been there, done that. The fucked up thing is I know what I would need to get better. Its just unrealistic and impossible.

Reaching out is a waste of time. Sober, drunk, doesn't matter when I'd share. I regret every single time I've ever opened up about how I felt or that I was struggling. Never ends well. Either ends in an argument, telling me I won't accept help, or generally dismissing me. Being suggested therapy by someone who has never been and doesn't understand what a crock of shit it is, or EVEN WORSE someone who has been going for a long time and has not benefitted from it at all. There's a certain irony/hypocrisy there.

If you're on antidepressants and you're still depressed, why are you trying to get me on your fucking bandwagon? I don't need to talk to a group of strangers about my deepest issues. I need a support system that actually knows and loves me. I don't need to be further isolated from society and my family. I've had enough of that already. Same shit with rehab. Every attempt to "help" seems to do more harm than good.

Asking for help is just like calling the suicide hotline when you're struggling. Most of the time you end up in more of a garbage position than you were before you called.

I want to say "never again" but I'm a foolish excuse of a human and I'm sure I'll open up again and I'll hate myself more than I already do. Sucks to learn all you have to turn to for help is yourself

 

[SoulofSteel]

All the ads and stuff about reaching out got me good. All I got from sharing thoughts about anxiety and depression was people pushing me away and seeing me as someone who just victimised himself. I can't take it anymore, being blamed for not even trying when all my life I have been trying to be nice to everyone. I never wanted any of this. Crazy how people will tell you that your problem is your low self-esteem, not the people ignoring you or putting you down. They are allowed to hate you, but you have to love yourself otherwise you are just self pity-ing yourself into your self made depression.

I just wish I could vanish so I wouldn't be forced to live this life.

This! People can screw you up so much and if you can't handle it then somehow it's your own problem, you're the insecure self pitying weak little man/woman who can't deal with life. It just feels like a way to not hold themselves, or others accountable for what they might've done to you that would have led to your own demise, because doing so will mean that they will have to feel guilty, and they don't want to deal with that.

When someone hurts you by mistake they will more often than not feel guilt and rush to apologize and aid you, but someone who knew exactly what they're doing will do the exact opposite, they might even blame you and manipulate you to remove themselves entirely from the equation.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sadly many humans really are so insensitive and won't even try to understand, I'm not even surprised that they invalidate suffering like that.

 

[pole]

this idea of encouraging people struggling to "reach out" stems from a notion that all of us are aware of, which is quietly acknowledging that what many need at a low point when they're vulnerable and alone is human connection.

the problem? when you finally gain the courage to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone, the other person will often feel overwhelmed and cannot shoulder the emotional weight of your problems nor do they have the ability to demonstrate that they can process, understand, and listen to you.

when push comes to shove and you take people up on their offer of "reaching out", they distance themselves by straight up running away and ghosting you, making you feel like you're the problem OR recommend you go to therapy.

what i realized is that when people make these suggestions to simply "reach out" and talk to someone, they are making a suggestion that takes NO EFFORT, in order to pat themselves on the back and feel good for paying lip service to the idea of mental health.

also want to emphasize that i don't blame people for feeling this way. not everyone we meet will have the capacity to deal with our problems nor should they. however, what i dislike and find intolerable are people that have the communication skills of a child.

they will lead you on and put in the bare minimum because they think it's the right thing to do, making you feel like you're the problem, just because they don't have the guts to tell you how they feel. I'd rather people be honest and tell those in these vulnerable positions that they are not the right person and cannot help them in the way they need to be helped. unfortunately, coming across this level of emotional maturity is rare, despite the fact that it is the bare fucking minimum.

over time, you realize that you are your own rescuer. it sounds cringe, especially if you're someone like me who fucking hates themselves, but what I've grown to dislike more is people, and in particular, relying on others and expecting them to be there for me.

i have been the only one there for me.

 

[Wormfood]

Needed to hear this

 

[NeedAnEscape]

The concept of 'reaching out' has been appealing to me, as of late. But, I know the risks of the option and I'm cautious enough to not take those steps. My thought processes have been so contradictory, as of late. A part of me wants to scream about my pain to everyone in my life and tell me how they've hurt me. Yet, another part of me completely shuts down at the thought of anyone expressing concern for me. I despise it when people worry about me. I already feel like such a burden on me; the fact that my mask has cracked enough for somebody to see the broken parts of me makes me feel even worse about myself. But, I know my thoughts are too big of a burden for anybody else to bear. This is the worst possible time for me to voice my feelings. I'm always careful about how I express myself -- as limited as those emotions are. I am 'in the wrong' for self-harming and having suicidal thoughts. I do my best to conceal my tendencies and hope that I will get some relief from existing.

 

[casual_existence]

The vast majority of people aren't equipped to deal with someone that's suicidal. I mean if the person that is offering support ends up being the cause of the suicide this is absolutely devastating.

It's largely on us to do whatever we think we need. Of course you can't do much with no options so all of these programs and systems are put in place to give you better options than just randomly meeting some friend or stranger that can understand you. Kind of like dating and dating apps.

Of course doing the same thing over and over again is actually stupid but it's kinda hard to do new things so it'll take a while before anything really happens. Whether it's positive or negative something has to give.

 

[bipbapbop]

All the ads and stuff about reaching out got me good. All I got from sharing thoughts about anxiety and depression was people pushing me away and seeing me as someone who just victimised himself. I can't take it anymore, being blamed for not even trying when all my life I have been trying to be nice to everyone. I never wanted any of this. Crazy how people will tell you that your problem is your low self-esteem, not the people ignoring you or putting you down. They are allowed to hate you, but you have to love yourself otherwise you are just self pity-ing yourself into your self made depression.

I just wish I could vanish so I wouldn't be forced to live this life.

Damn are you me?

The silence almost hurts more than the living.

 

[Naz027]

I'm going through this now people just tell you to get over it that's life help yourself etc.. and the one person that doesn't do that tells me to ring anytime but we both know I can't do that I'd be on the phone with them all day and night and her life would suffer to.

Also this person that tells me to phone anytime never phones me and I feel bad having to call them I just know they see my name on the phone and think of God not him again.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

The other issue is people offering support but without examples/suggestions. I know I'm not 'right' and want to try 'reach out' but I also am stuck and confused and don't have a clue what would help me other than (as others said here) someone to try make sense with, but that would probably take months full time venting.

So unless I can go to someone with clear instructions, its pointless and just gets deflected towards a therapist/professional/talk to someone thats not me!

Even the GP last year essentially said 'how long do you want off work' (I don't - work is a major purpose that keeps me going) and 'do you want meds' (no, I want to understand and try work this out if I am going to move forward, not just put blister plasters on when my shoes clearly don't fit)

Urgh, sorry for the vent.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The vast majority of people make for terrible choices to confide in about suicidal ideation. Even if they are a decent space in the beginning, it's never really that sustainable. That's why this forum plays a vital role.

 

[blacksand]

I've tried to reach out many times. My parents simply call me "negative" and don't take me seriously, it always leads to an argument so I just don't go there anymore. My friends are a lot better, but its hard to ever see them since we all work different hours and schedules (I drive trucks through the night and they're office and retail workers).

 

[Meteora]

I onced gathered all my courage and reached out to my "mother". It was evening and I was so desperate and suicidal.
She told me to go see my psychiatrist. That's all she said.
Why am I not surprised that I am where I am?

 

[lixt]

yes, it sucks. I opened up and now those people got distant. Thet believe I don't want help and that I am an attention-seeker. I am tired of it, so I get you.

 

[lastvinter1]

It makes me feel "needy," when I open up, I can never shake the embarrassment and guilt.

 

[bipbapbop]

I onced gathered all my courage and reached out to my "mother". It was evening and I was so desperate and suicidal.
She told me to go see my psychiatrist. That's all she said.
Why am I not surprised that I am where I am?

This happened to me recently with my sister and I love her but wow was that hurtful. I'm sorry to hear you experienced it too. It takes so much to be able to reach out to begin with.

 

[Meteora]

This happened to me recently with my sister and I love her but wow was that hurtful. I'm sorry to hear you experienced it too. It takes so much to be able to reach out to begin with.

It s true, if people knew how much it takes to reach out....

 

[tbroken]

This forum is a bliss, it feels like home.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I really think it depends on who you reach out to. "Normal" people will have a hard time understanding, especially if they are very close to you. Like they have to understand you, you have to accept their feelings.

Most people don't want to hear you are struggling, mostly not because they don't care, but because they really have no idea how it feels.

I personally lost some people, and yes, that absolutely sucked. But some did try, it's not like that's done with one afternoon of talking, it takes time. I really hope you will find people who understand and support, and in the meantime, there's a forum full of people who ( most of them) will welcome you and understand

 

[Endisclose]

this idea of encouraging people struggling to "reach out" stems from a notion that all of us are aware of, which is quietly acknowledging that what many need at a low point when they're vulnerable and alone is human connection.

the problem? when you finally gain the courage to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone, the other person will often feel overwhelmed and cannot shoulder the emotional weight of your problems nor do they have the ability to demonstrate that they can process, understand, and listen to you.

when push comes to shove and you take people up on their offer of "reaching out", they distance themselves by straight up running away and ghosting you, making you feel like you're the problem OR recommend you go to therapy.

what i realized is that when people make these suggestions to simply "reach out" and talk to someone, they are making a suggestion that takes NO EFFORT, in order to pat themselves on the back and feel good for paying lip service to the idea of mental health.

also want to emphasize that i don't blame people for feeling this way. not everyone we meet will have the capacity to deal with our problems nor should they. however, what i dislike and find intolerable are people that have the communication skills of a child.

they will lead you on and put in the bare minimum because they think it's the right thing to do, making you feel like you're the problem, just because they don't have the guts to tell you how they feel. I'd rather people be honest and tell those in these vulnerable positions that they are not the right person and cannot help them in the way they need to be helped. unfortunately, coming across this level of emotional maturity is rare, despite the fact that it is the bare fucking minimum.

over time, you realize that you are your own rescuer. it sounds cringe, especially if you're someone like me who fucking hates themselves, but what I've grown to dislike more is people, and in particular, relying on others and expecting them to be there for me.

i have been the only one there for me.

Wow.. You absolutely nailed it for me. I couldn't have expressed it better myself. Unfortunately I've realized things too late after their actions have left my life irreparably damaged. I agree I have a mental illness, but I wonder what would you call people who consciously do things like that, putting people who trusted them in harms way and not caring a fig? I wonder who really is more ill mentally..

 

[LostInTheWoods]

At the moment I have no friend, but I found out that the better way to be with friends is just being with them. Like, people really can't understand how my family i fucked up. It's really complicated. They can't understand not because they dont want or because they are stupid etc, but because it's really complicated. They can't understand that having a malformation really impacted my life. Or maybe they can! But who woould say to a friend, "Yeah it really impacted you", it takes courage. So when I had friends, when I went out with them I just wanted to enjoy their presence, and that helped me forget my problems for a while. In my opinion it would be better if people just listened to other people, withouth the pressure of giving suggestions. It would be alreay much. Don't forget that even if we see our problems like the biggest, and It's right to see them in that way because they afflict us directly, everyone has problems. It's not simple to take care also of the problems of others. Plus let's not make the others people mistake. Our friend who is always smiley and it seems silly, it's not given that he's not depressed like us.