puppet_nihilist
cogito, ergo sum
- Jan 8, 2021
- 227
I was practicing partial hanging some days ago and I accidently fell unconscious. This has happened either twice or thrice now (I can't recall exactly) but this time was the most intense and the most scary experience yet.
I feel somewhat addicted to the tingly sensations that partial hanging produces; I try driving myself near the edge but I make sure I stop before falling unconscious (SI kicks in and I get extremely nervous). I don't know why I feel that way, it's only recent, this craving sensation, but I'm not liking it. I feel it's out of control, I feel like it's masochistic and I am ashamed of it.
Last time I accidently slipped into unawareness, I scarred my nose and got light red marks on my neck thanks to my padding. I was vulnerable and when my mom confronted me about the scar and how I could've possibly gotten it then I broke down and told her, I begged her not to tell my father and she promised she wouldn't. She made me promise I wouldn't repeat what I did and just like some pathetic child I promised her. That very moment I told mom about "it", I felt like I've lost all my dignity.
But I just couldn't, I wanted to and still want to die.
This time I hit my nose again with the shower faucet and I got pretty bad scars above my eyebrows (they looked exactly as if I had scraped my forehead across the wall to which my showerhead was attached), my neck had very visible red marks, and my padding was just lying on the floor partly drenched in water. This time it was worse, my head hurt severely and I couldn't even stand up straight properly. Some parts of my clothes were soaking wet too while other parts were just dry it gave me an odd sensation. The shower wasn't pouring when I "woke up" so my ties must've opened it and then my nose hit it close, at least what I guess probably happened since I have not the slightest clue how my convulsions looked like. I truly have no idea, I was lights out one moment and the next moment I am hearing very loud indescribable screaming noises while gasping for air trying to loosen the noose. I walked out of my bathroom like a drunkard and changed my clothes to new dry ones. I was feeling extremely demoralized, this time it was the closest I've ever gotten to completing partial but the aftermath was devastating both physically and emotionally. I felt hollow and kept trembling arduously for a long while before my tremors slightly calmed down. From that moment on I just felt like my life was a ticking bomb as if it already wasn't. I was anxious and severely distraught, I don't want my parents to find out. It was nerve-wracking.
Living somewhere in Asia with extremely hyper religious parents makes life 100x more unbearable when your own personal beliefs are so alien and so "deviant" in comparison to those of your care-givers. I knew what awaited me if my father had known about what I have been doing. I would get a severe beating. Mom isn't as abusive, but when she's desperate she would rely on my dad's savagery to "set me straight" be it because I was not praying or just having overslept if she's in a bad mood.
Well, she did eventually find out. I was at the kitchen when she noticed some of the scrapes on my forehead and the marks on my neck. I broke into cold sweat when I saw that worried expression on mom's face. I wanted to walk out of the kitchen asap when she began hurling questions at me. She grabbed me by my wrist really tightly and inspected my forehead and neck. She started asking me, wouldn't let me talk or answer, then seconds later she's on the verge of screaming while still running her mouth nonstop. Once she's in that desperate state, she never calms down. She screamed at me, ran out of the kitchen and told my father. I was so hopeless, I just froze like an animal that was about to get eaten.
My dad just rained down punches on me. He punched my cheeks, he pulled my hair and pushed me against the wall. I just sat down and wrapped my hands around my head. He didn't even stop, even when I basically surrendered (as if I already hadn't), he started kicking me on the sides of my stomach. It hurt, it hurt so much.
I feel so utterly vulnerable and trapped. It's late around 3am and I wrote this because my violent emotions are taking over me. I just have no one to talk to about this. No one to ever share this with. No one to tell about how miserable everything feels. I am ashamed of myself, I loathe myself, my parents are absolutely loosing any respect for me and probably hate me now more than ever. My dad kept telling me how inconsiderate of the consequences I was, how selfish I was for throwing away a life I didn't ask for. I feel incredibly vulnerable, I am not even accepting myself, I feel so fucking invalidated, I don't know how to describe it. I am just dismissive of my own emotions. I have nowhere for my emotions to settle, nothing at all. I am completely invalid, never have I felt so pathetic and so completely out of place. A burdensome, unbelonging outcast. I am so hurt, so incredibly hurt. Why can't I just die. This is so much agony. I've always been abused by father since childhood, but this time it made me feel so weak and vulnerable. I have completely cracked, I just need to die soon I can't take the pain anymore. What does a person like me need life for? What do I need consciousness for? It's of no use, of no value, my existence is inherently negative. Both me and my circumstances keep fucking me up, what the hell did I do to deserve being born? I did nothing, I just want this to stop. I'll just sleep and wish that I die peacefully during my sleep. It won't happen
but I need that peace. I need to die. Please just let me die in fucking peace. Now I can't even close my bedroom door or stay in my bathroom for too long. The only time I'm not under that strict shit is dead at night, even now I'm scared. I just want to fucking end it all, I can't even accomplish that much.
Fuck. Writing messy about this shit used to work when I got abused, I'm so fucking numb and done that this doesn't work as it used to anymore. I can't fucking cope anymore, dwelling on the abuse is making me even more angry, more desperate, and more actively suicidal. Fuck everything, I'm off to sleep. Fuck.
I feel somewhat addicted to the tingly sensations that partial hanging produces; I try driving myself near the edge but I make sure I stop before falling unconscious (SI kicks in and I get extremely nervous). I don't know why I feel that way, it's only recent, this craving sensation, but I'm not liking it. I feel it's out of control, I feel like it's masochistic and I am ashamed of it.
Last time I accidently slipped into unawareness, I scarred my nose and got light red marks on my neck thanks to my padding. I was vulnerable and when my mom confronted me about the scar and how I could've possibly gotten it then I broke down and told her, I begged her not to tell my father and she promised she wouldn't. She made me promise I wouldn't repeat what I did and just like some pathetic child I promised her. That very moment I told mom about "it", I felt like I've lost all my dignity.
But I just couldn't, I wanted to and still want to die.
This time I hit my nose again with the shower faucet and I got pretty bad scars above my eyebrows (they looked exactly as if I had scraped my forehead across the wall to which my showerhead was attached), my neck had very visible red marks, and my padding was just lying on the floor partly drenched in water. This time it was worse, my head hurt severely and I couldn't even stand up straight properly. Some parts of my clothes were soaking wet too while other parts were just dry it gave me an odd sensation. The shower wasn't pouring when I "woke up" so my ties must've opened it and then my nose hit it close, at least what I guess probably happened since I have not the slightest clue how my convulsions looked like. I truly have no idea, I was lights out one moment and the next moment I am hearing very loud indescribable screaming noises while gasping for air trying to loosen the noose. I walked out of my bathroom like a drunkard and changed my clothes to new dry ones. I was feeling extremely demoralized, this time it was the closest I've ever gotten to completing partial but the aftermath was devastating both physically and emotionally. I felt hollow and kept trembling arduously for a long while before my tremors slightly calmed down. From that moment on I just felt like my life was a ticking bomb as if it already wasn't. I was anxious and severely distraught, I don't want my parents to find out. It was nerve-wracking.
Living somewhere in Asia with extremely hyper religious parents makes life 100x more unbearable when your own personal beliefs are so alien and so "deviant" in comparison to those of your care-givers. I knew what awaited me if my father had known about what I have been doing. I would get a severe beating. Mom isn't as abusive, but when she's desperate she would rely on my dad's savagery to "set me straight" be it because I was not praying or just having overslept if she's in a bad mood.
Well, she did eventually find out. I was at the kitchen when she noticed some of the scrapes on my forehead and the marks on my neck. I broke into cold sweat when I saw that worried expression on mom's face. I wanted to walk out of the kitchen asap when she began hurling questions at me. She grabbed me by my wrist really tightly and inspected my forehead and neck. She started asking me, wouldn't let me talk or answer, then seconds later she's on the verge of screaming while still running her mouth nonstop. Once she's in that desperate state, she never calms down. She screamed at me, ran out of the kitchen and told my father. I was so hopeless, I just froze like an animal that was about to get eaten.
My dad just rained down punches on me. He punched my cheeks, he pulled my hair and pushed me against the wall. I just sat down and wrapped my hands around my head. He didn't even stop, even when I basically surrendered (as if I already hadn't), he started kicking me on the sides of my stomach. It hurt, it hurt so much.
I feel so utterly vulnerable and trapped. It's late around 3am and I wrote this because my violent emotions are taking over me. I just have no one to talk to about this. No one to ever share this with. No one to tell about how miserable everything feels. I am ashamed of myself, I loathe myself, my parents are absolutely loosing any respect for me and probably hate me now more than ever. My dad kept telling me how inconsiderate of the consequences I was, how selfish I was for throwing away a life I didn't ask for. I feel incredibly vulnerable, I am not even accepting myself, I feel so fucking invalidated, I don't know how to describe it. I am just dismissive of my own emotions. I have nowhere for my emotions to settle, nothing at all. I am completely invalid, never have I felt so pathetic and so completely out of place. A burdensome, unbelonging outcast. I am so hurt, so incredibly hurt. Why can't I just die. This is so much agony. I've always been abused by father since childhood, but this time it made me feel so weak and vulnerable. I have completely cracked, I just need to die soon I can't take the pain anymore. What does a person like me need life for? What do I need consciousness for? It's of no use, of no value, my existence is inherently negative. Both me and my circumstances keep fucking me up, what the hell did I do to deserve being born? I did nothing, I just want this to stop. I'll just sleep and wish that I die peacefully during my sleep. It won't happen
but I need that peace. I need to die. Please just let me die in fucking peace. Now I can't even close my bedroom door or stay in my bathroom for too long. The only time I'm not under that strict shit is dead at night, even now I'm scared. I just want to fucking end it all, I can't even accomplish that much. Fuck. Writing messy about this shit used to work when I got abused, I'm so fucking numb and done that this doesn't work as it used to anymore. I can't fucking cope anymore, dwelling on the abuse is making me even more angry, more desperate, and more actively suicidal. Fuck everything, I'm off to sleep. Fuck.
