Venting the more i know about the world, the harder it gets to live

[mahoganylvr]

hi. i'm a lurker on here occasionally but this is my first post.

i'm a 22 y/o nb woman. i've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar 1, (c)ptsd, and gad. my close friends think i may be adhd or on the autism spectrum as well, but that seems to be a fatally long list that frankly i'm not too worried about. i don't want to die, really, but i'm obsessed with the thought. i'm terrified of death and i'm so anxiety ridden and i think everything in the world is going to kill me, but i keep coming back to killing myself as my only solution, my only escape from this world that seems like it was built entirely without people in mind. especially people like me. i'm a student in my 5th year of my sociology and gender studies degree. i'm slated to graduate in may, but i'm not sure i can make it. my dream was to get a masters degree in my field and change the world, but the more i have to live in the world the more discouraged i get.

my education is wonderful, i get to study how society works, what structures are in place, and learn how the world works. yet, the deeper i delve into it all, the less i can see the point in devoting my life to something that isn't valued by anyone, above all not valued by those in power. the more i learn about capitalism, the more i have to experience rent and bills and groceries, the more i want to sink into nothingness. i've suffered all my life as a result of my own mind and my childhood (ew), but becoming an adult living under a capitalist system where my entire future seems to be laid out in front of me as a miserable overworked-underpaid overly educated type numbing the pain with small joys and substances seems like a little slice of hell. my only solace is creating and consuming art, and it seems that i will never actually have the discipline to practice and it will rapidly be replaced with AI slop. i think too big for my own good. nothing has meaning to me anymore, my life is dull and mundane and horrible and i'm not even sure if i actually love my partner or if i just love the idea of companionship. i'm not sure if i love anything anymore, really. all i can think of is everything horrible: the rise of facism, my destiny as a wage worker, my doomed art (music, poetry, visual art) that i never have the discipline to practice, my incompatible relationship, the fact that the world seems to be falling completely apart and will collapse in my lifetime, the nagging feeling that sitting in my bed and building the habits i'm building will result in wasting my time here on earth, etc. i can't see the joy anymore and i don't know what to do. it seems that the solutions: self love, mindfulness, radical acceptance, meditation, medication, etc. will only serve to keep me here as a worker building up unimaginable profits for others. i don't know what to do, and at the moment nothing seems worth doing.

tldr: i'm a little ball of mood fluctuations but i can't seem to grasp onto hope anymore because i'm disollusioned about capitalism and becoming an adult in a world that is inherently hostile to my humanity. can anyone say some kind words? something that inspires the hope i can't seem to find on my own? i really don't know how to go on, but i don't want to die yet.

 

[dospi1]

Hey a fellow social scientist, yeah it can be very depresing but that is the spark of change the conditions for revolution is the inherent contradiction of capitalism that will eventually lead to its fall, i woudl argue that seems to be very close this days. try to remeber that unlike hard sciences our work its to study to change and imrpove society not to mearly understanding it we are not powerless in the face of structure nad hopelessnes is too a way of class warfare, stay strong C:

 

[mahoganylvr]

Hey a fellow social scientist, yeah it can be very depresing but that is the spark of change the conditions for revolution is the inherent contradiction of capitalism that will eventually lead to its fall, i woudl argue that seems to be very close this days. try to remeber that unlike hard sciences our work its to study to change and imrpove society not to mearly understanding it we are not powerless in the face of structure nad hopelessnes is too a way of class warfare, stay strong C:

thank you <33 it's so hard to find the motivation to recover when i get hopeless like this. thank you for reminding me that hopelessness is, too, a tool utilized by the ruling class to make us cling to complacency. i needed that.