Venting the moment I've been waiting for is here and now it doesn't feel right

[DyingToDie123]

I finally put together my stuff (argon + eebd hood) and it's all ready to go. I have been literally in tears waiting for stuff to come in, thinking how cruel it is that I have to live another day each day that FedEx screwed me over or my connector parts didn't fit. And now all of a sudden, I'm more hesitant than I thought I'd be. I think it's a form of SI kicking in, because rationally I know this is the best choice for me, I have nothing to live for and need out of this pain, but there's a part of me that's nervous. About pain and discomfort. About failure. About the unknown.

I feel somewhat rushed because my parents are coming soon to pick me up for Thanksgiving and it'll be hard to hide all my gear that I've spent so much money on. I wish I wasn't rushed, but that's the hand I've been dealt.

I'm expecting a lot of "you don't need to go if you're not ready" replies, and trust me, I know. But I'm so frustrated because I HAVE been ready for so long. Or at least I thought I was. Maybe I just need to mentally prepare.

 

[hellispink]

You need to do some deep thinking and reflection. Only in your heart you will find an answer. Think if you can handle life for 6 months from now, how do they look those days? Are they bearable or unbearable? Do they look like a nightmare or are they survivable? What do you feel when you wake up, you feel an intense anguish and agony or you feel rather calm like you can wait? Do you have motivations left? Try to find out and write it in paper. For me it seems like its SI, its a biological aspect only your deep insides can fight. If you do decide to leave it for later try to hide everything well. Because if they find it, expect to be here and monitored by them for a long long time.

 

[ThisUnrest]

Survival instinct is built into us and it's very difficult to overcome. Departing this way involves a lot of unknowns that also add to the fear. Based on what others have said, it's probably best to only go once youre 100% certain. If youre feeling unsure, Im sure you could put the stuff in a closet and come back to it another day. Best wishes for safely doing whatever you decide.

 

[TAW122]

I believe it is the SI (survival instinct) kicking in, subconsciously even though rationally in your mind you have been ready and planned it out. The SI is a really weird biological mechanism, where it is great if one wishes to persist and continue fighting, yet when one is ready to go, it's one of the worst obstacles one has. Ultimately, only you can make that decision whether to stay or go, and I wish you the best in whatever decision you decide to make.

 

[SVEN]

Sorry you're feeling so conflicted, however I'd guess that most of us totally get these mixed feelings. Best wishes in finally resolving the issues. I really do hope you manage to arrive at a conclusion one way or the other.

 

[Yaffle]

As others have said, it's survival instinct.

Don't rush this if you're not 100%. I know SI will be my own nemesis.

Can you afford a small storage unit for a few weeks to get your kit away from home?

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Any way you could cancel Thanksgiving with parents? That being said, Thanksgiving isn't for a while, so there's no need to stress out just yet.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide just isn't straightforward to go through with after all even if one has a method all planned, I really wish that it's easier to finally cease existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Old Friend]

I'm expecting a lot of "you don't need to go if you're not ready" replies, and trust me, I know. But I'm so frustrated because I HAVE been ready for so long. Or at least I thought I was. Maybe I just need to mentally prepare.

I think it's quite a natural reaction. I remember reading about someone whose nitrogen tank was delivered to the door and said something similar. It was suddenly not so theoretical anymore and now a very real proposition. I guess many feel similar when their sn and associated items arrive.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I guess if your fear of living is stronger than your fear of dying then you are ready to go, yet it's obviously not as simple as that.
Survival instinct is a beast to overcome to be sure.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I'm sorry things didn't work out friend. I truly am. I hope you can read this. I'm sorry. If you wanna ever reach out to me...before it's too late. There is a way. You can probably figure out how. Love to you dear DTD.

 

[piddincir]

Sorry to hear this mate, it's fucked up when you want to go but can't - I'm a relative newcomer to this feeling so I can only imagine how hard this is for you having suffered for so long.

I've literally been in the same boat as you for days now, I have my gas/exit bag set up ready to go. I have one last thing to do, which is go through all my old photos for my wife's funeral and I want to relive our lives together one more time before I go. I know doing this will break me and give me the strength to go but every time I try I can't get through more than a couple of memories before crying the day away and I know I would fuck it up in this state and I can't survive this.

I know when the time is right the courage will come - I hope it does for you too brother and you find the peace you are searching for whatever that may be.

Much love

 

[thewalkingdread]

And now all of a sudden, I'm more hesitant than I thought I'd be. I think it's a form of SI kicking in, because rationally I know this is the best choice for me, I have nothing to live for and need out of this pain, but there's a part of me that's nervous. About pain and discomfort. About failure. About the unknown.

I'm feeling exactly like you, since last week. I have sourced my gas tank and all i need to do is to go to the shop to finally buy it. But I have been procrastinating. I said to myself i was going to buy it today, and yet I won't anymore. Guess ill end up forcing myself to do it before this week is over.... Because i also think that is the rational thing that is left for me.

Three weeks ago i couldn't stand being alive anymore, and If next to me there was the classical "Magic Button" everyone dreams about, i like to think i would have pushed It. But today i am feeling like a hesitant couch potato...

 

[_smile_]

You will do what is best for you, when you are ready. You always brought an energy into chat that turned sad vibes into good vibes. I'm so sorry for your pain and I wish you peace in whatever form it takes. Thank you for your care and kindness