The mask I put on everyday

[reapandsow918]

I'm tired of putting on this happy face like the world is a perfect place. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and doing the same stupid shit everyday. I'm tired of leaving this mask on, I just want to die. I want to say fuck you to my therapist, I want to say fuck you to my doctors, and I want to say fuck you to the world. No, I'm tired of playing Mickey Mouse and cookies and ice cream. "Life is so wonderful! Omg!" No it's not, it's just constant misery.

Suicide is something I want to do personally because I know truly that there is no more life for me. I'm just living for others and it's destroying me. I don't want to feel sad when my time comes. I want to be happy while sincerely saying fuck you to the world. But I will be broken hearted because I know my family will be after I die.

I hate the expectations society puts on individuals who suffer from depression or any other mental condition. They don't understand. Personally, I just want my life to be over. Is it too much to ask to stop the pain? Why do you want me to be here? Clearly I'm silently suffering

My mind is a toxic, dark place where there is no sunlight. I see only negative and there is no happiness.

Is it that I can't face reality? Is it that I'm just a failure? Is it that I'm just a lazy piece of shit? Is it that I'm just a selfish prick who doesn't think about others? Is it that I can't be at peace with myself? Is it this unstoppable thought process that doesn't end? Is it depression? Do others feel the same way? IDK

A bullet straight to my head is the peace I desire.

Sorry if this offends anyone, it's just how I truly feel.

 

[LivingToLong]

I'm with you. All the way. Everything you say. I'm with you.

 

[LivingToLong]

Is it that I can't face reality? Is it that I'm just a failure? Is it that I'm just a lazy piece of shit? Is it that I'm just a selfish prick who doesn't think about others? Is it that I can't be at peace with myself? Is it this unstoppable thought process that doesn't end? Is it depression? Do others feel the same way? IDK

I don't know either but I feel exactly like you. I have those very same dilemmas.

I don't know if I'm ill or not. I don't know if everyone else feels the same way but they just get over it. I don't know if I'm just lazy and self-centred, self-absorbed, self-pitying.... and all those other 'self' words. And this self-loathing and self-berating is just incessant. Over and over and over. My head doesn't stop with it. I really really just want it to stop. I'm am tired of beating myself up. I want to stop being the centre of my own world but I can't stop the mental churn.

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry. I can relate to so much of what you say. And in all the pain it's so hard to put on that happy face.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.

 

[Jean4]

This is exactly one of the main reasons I want to CTB.

 

[DoodleBug]

I'll just throw that one famous, overused, but still definitely true quote from ThAt OnE cOoL movie (bluray inc) -

' The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you dont '

When every morning is just another descent into those redundant states of misery, keeping a "happy face" is absolutely impossible. I've been pretty bad at it throughout my school days, and only now I am 'somewhat' becoming more 'capable' of pretending at work and days there become a little bit easier. Yet no matter what every step starts hurting more, cancer starts becoming way more apparent up north here, my families' health starts failing, and I'm not making the best decisions. It's that final date that keeps those days flowin', I guess.

I feel you, even if ofc I can't fully imagine how you must feel about your circumstances. Most of us here think of themselves as failures to some degree. Some had a good life, but random situations and obstacles made them consider leaving. Some just weren't built for existence, for some existence has been a rough enemy. Nobody can keep the mask on forever. Death is always just behind the corner when we're just pursuing money, drugs or whatever keeps us away from caring too much. Keeping up with therapy or friendships seems like just a distraction, true distractions replace everything, and you realize that nothing makes sense. A sense of disillusionment starts taking over and its hard to either doublethink at the right moment or stop overthinking at the wrong ones. Wageslaving sends you into a state of constant apathy, so you have a lot of time to think about every bad thing about you and the world. Frustration builds up one way or another, especially when you're in a really dark place and your mind starts resembling a toxic waste.

Our masks are impossibly difficult to bear.

I don't know if I'm even making sense xd

Big hugs

 

[kiko]

Im in a rush so cant respons proper.

Everything you said is 100% relabale. specially the am i just a lazy piece of shit? this eats me apart everyday. thank you for sharing

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I sucked at pretending during high school years. Now I completely stop. I have very expressive eyes and can't manage a poker face to save my life. I was always a black sheep whether I was fake or not. If someone somehow gets to love me, it will be for my real personality and not a fake one.
I'm completely and utterly done with people.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I understand how you feel. I am not living I am just existing seeing how the others live their joyful lives. And I'm tired of this too. Life? This is not life. I am just existing and figuring out how to end my existence I don't want to keep suffering anymore. I cant improve. I gave myself many chances but I will be stuck forever so I have to end this. Thanks I found this wonderful place.

 

[Hotsackage]

Fantastic post

 

[tonywjones44]

I'm tired of putting on this happy face like the world is a perfect place. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and doing the same stupid shit everyday. I'm tired of leaving this mask on, I just want to die. I want to say fuck you to my therapist, I want to say fuck you to my doctors, and I want to say fuck you to the world. No, I'm tired of playing Mickey Mouse and cookies and ice cream. "Life is so wonderful! Omg!" No it's not, it's just constant misery.

Suicide is something I want to do personally because I know truly that there is no more life for me. I'm just living for others and it's destroying me. I don't want to feel sad when my time comes. I want to be happy while sincerely saying fuck you to the world. But I will be broken hearted because I know my family will be after I die.

I hate the expectations society puts on individuals who suffer from depression or any other mental condition. They don't understand. Personally, I just want my life to be over. Is it too much to ask to stop the pain? Why do you want me to be here? Clearly I'm silently suffering

My mind is a toxic, dark place where there is no sunlight. I see only negative and there is no happiness.

Is it that I can't face reality? Is it that I'm just a failure? Is it that I'm just a lazy piece of shit? Is it that I'm just a selfish prick who doesn't think about others? Is it that I can't be at peace with myself? Is it this unstoppable thought process that doesn't end? Is it depression? Do others feel the same way? IDK

A bullet straight to my head is the peace I desire.

Sorry if this offends anyone, it's just how I truly feel.

Amen.

 

[WallsClosingInn]

Can relate to the post also.Every time someone asks me how are you,i say good,with the smile...