ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 116
If it matters I am currently 21 years old, and I have been to the mental hospital 7 times total since I first turned 18. All of the 7 times my stays there were mainly related to my extreme depression (Major Depressive Disorder) and also my suicidal thoughts as well as suicide attempts too. But some other mental issues were definitely a part of it as well, such as extreme anxiety, extreme anger issues and destruction of property, sending death threats to people online, my homicidal thoughts, certain psychopathic behaviors, certain autistic behaviors, bipolar-like mood swings, some schizophrenic-like visions, etc. Basically a long list of shit, but the depression and suicide attempts were the biggest issues that landed me in the mental hospital in the first place, as well as the most commonly occuring issues that caused me the most pain regularly.
Anyways, moving on to the next thing...my visits to the mental hospital have never been anything too pleasant overall, nor were the doctors always nice and understanding, but holy shit was the doctor on my last visit (the 7th stay there) was just disrespectful as fuck and didn't even pretend to give a shit about me.
The doctors before him could be pretty oblivious to certain things and didn't always have the best approach to handling mentally ill patients, but at least they had a modicum of basic respect for me, or at least pretended to. But this one...he didn't care, and was blatant about it.
Luckily I only saw him very few times in my stay, but those few times were SO unpleasant and just left SUCH a horrible impression of him to me, that I didn't forget it, and still remember it to this day. After such a horrible doctor to monitor my stay at the mental hospital, I genuinely NEVER wanna go back there again. Even if I do genuinely feel like ending my life and acting up on it, I won't say anything to therapists or the police that could potentially get me hospitalized again. Heck, on my 8th time, if it were to happen, it's possible an EVEN WORSE doctor might be in his place. So I prefer not to risk it. Plus mental hospitals don't help at all from my experience. I'd rather be almost anywhere else than another mental hospital. I'm starting to think even prison or homelessness might be more pleasant than the mental hospital, but maybe/probably I'm wrong about that one so I can't say for sure.
Anyway, onto the main point of this post...my interaction with this doctor...I'm going to type up the interactions between me and him more or less how they really happened, or at least my memory of how they happened, as obviously my memory isn't perfect. If his age matters, he was around his 50s judging solely by physical appearance and his voice. Basically old enough to be my father, and around the same age as my actual father too. And remember, I'm 21.
So first, obviously I was called into his office to see him. That's where the interaction first began.
Him: Hi, you are ConfusedHurting2632 right? Come on into my office, have a seat!
Me: Yes I am. Thank you.
Him: So I've been looking through all your files and papers as I do with all my patients here, so as you can guess I probably know why you're here, but I still want you to tell me in your own words, please, as it helps me understand you better.
Me: Alright. So basically I've been dealing with mental health issues all my life, but my main, biggest issues are related to depression and suicide. And that's basically what landed me here...and honestly, I don't know if I should be here too long, since my previous 6 mental hospital visits didn't really help me a lot, and if anything seem to have kind of made me worse.
Him: Well first of all Mr. ConfusedHurting2632, we'll keep you in here as long as necessary for recovery, so don't you dare try to tell me or anyone else who works here how to do our jobs! We'll even keep you in here for the rest of your life if we feel it's necessary to keep you from hurting yourself or others. Is that clear?
Me: Yes sir, it's clear, sorry. Although it wasn't my intention to tell you how to do your job, but if it came off that way, sorry again.
Him: Yeah, whatever. Moving on. The files said you have been on 6 medications before, which as you described didn't help you and had negative side effects.
Me: Yes, all of that is exactly correct.
Him: But the thing is, were you actually taking the medications exactly as prescribed, and making efforts besides the medication to improve yourself; or were you not even taking the medication and therefore lying to say you were, and otherwise also making zero effort?
Me: I can assure you sir I was telling the truth and taking them exactly as prescribed and also putting forth my best foot in general. It just didn't work.
Him: Yeah for some reason I don't trust you. If you've been on 6 medications before and none of them worked then something else is going on, and it's probably completely your own fault. Either way though, whether you like it or not, I'll be prescribing 2 new medications for you, and if you refuse to take them by mouth we'll be forced to give them to you through a needle shot, with you strapped down with four point restraints to a bed if necessary. So don't think you can outsmart us or manipulate us when it comes to taking the medications! You'll get them regardless! Whether it's friendly or by force. Whatever manipulative bullshit you pull off on people in the outside world won't work in here!
Me: I understood all of that. I never planned to NOT take whatever medications you prescribed though. So you don't have to worry about that part. As you said, taking them by mouth is the easy, friendly way out of it.
Him: Yeah...you say that now but we'll see if you mean it down the road. Anyway though, about your suicide attempts...what exactly did you do?
Me: Well honestly a bunch of stuff. I tried like tying a plastic bag around my head to die from suffocation. I also tried hanging myself from the doorknob with a belt. I also tried to die by drinking way too much water. I have also tried making superficial cuts on my arms and throat. I also tried swallowing a pointy spiral screw/nail. Like I said, a lot of failed attempts. Maybe even more than I listed.
Him: Alright, got it...a lot of those, if not all of them though, sound extremely attention seeking and I'm not sure you actually want to die, but rather make people pay attention to you to fulfill your narcissistic tendencies. You're extremely mentally ill either way, but there might be something else going on here than what you've convinced others.
Me: Yeah...I don't know, maybe. I'm probably a biased source for that, professionals probably know better than me.
(For this next part, I'm gonna be honest and say I didn't understand EXACTLY what he said, so the very next phrase of his may be kind of wrong/different from what he ACTUALLY said, and my response in real life was also kind of off topic since I didn't properly understand what he said, and then after my "off topic" response he quite angrily chastised me in his next response. I remember and understood more or less the gist of what he actually said, but it was pretty off from 100% understanding. Especially compared to the rest of what I'm describing.)
Him: Regardless of what's actually going in your own screwed up universe, while you stay here at the mental hospital this time, are you gonna try to come up with any plans? Like a plan to try to injure or kill yourself, or to manipulate the staff or even other patients? Like what's your plan overall here? What exactly are you planning to achieve?
(What I took away from what he said here, which again, I didn't even 100% understand in the moment as he said it, and therefore I don't 100% remember it correctly now as I just wrote it; was basically the "plan" part. Which to me meant a plan to get better from the depression and suicidal thoughts. So it's what I responded with. A long, detailed, drawn out response, too.)
Me: So my overall plan here to move past my depression and suicidal thoughts is to basically improve by using baby steps. A gradual process, basically. I know it won't happen overnight. For beginners a regular sleep schedule and routine. Beyond that, a mostly healthy diet and semi-regular exercise that's not too overly strenuous. But that's only the basic stuff. Obviously I gotta replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, or at least neutral thoughts if that's too much for me. Beyond that, new hobbies and activities are a must too. Maybe athletic ones, such as any kind of sport or maybe just going on walks and jogging for a bit. Getting a job or going to college may also help me be more productive. Arguably the most important though, socialization. New friends and acquaintances. People to hang out with and not feel so lonely. Most exciting though...maybe even meet a nice girl. A really sweet and affectionate one with super soft skin who loves to cuddle with me. Surely a girl like that will help me feel better and less suicidal compared to how I was before...but yeah. That's my plan on how to get better! Hahaha.
(I did a little awkward laugh at the end of that "speech" as you can probably tell with the "haha." Then he just stared at me in silence for a few seconds after I finished speaking, looking at me with a puzzled expression as if I had grown a second head or something. His next response was when the EXTREMELY rude part came in. Even worse compared to what you've already been reading.)
Him: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you out of your mind?! Why the fuck are you even telling me all this?! I haven't even gotten to that question yet for Christ's sake! You literally didn't even answer the question I actually asked you, and instead just answered another completely random, unrelated question that doesn't have anything to do with it! What kind of person even does that?! You are absolutely not normal and need serious help, like holy fucking shit!
Me: Okay, I just didn't understand what you said, sorry for the misunderstanding here. Still, I'd appreciate it if you spoke to me in a kinder tone than this.
Him: Kinder? You wanna talk about kind? I didn't interrupt you in your bullshit story about getting better...which, by the way, is the most cliche rubbish I've ever heard about generic advice you probably got somewhere on the internet or from some book...I let you finish your dumb story, despite the fact that you've been eating up my time that I could, and need to be spending with other patients! I've been way more kind to you than you could possibly deserve, while you've just been sitting here attempting to manipulate me the whole time, like you probably do to everyone in your life, including even internet strangers who you send death threats to if they don't buy into your manipulative bullshit!
Me: Wait, the files really go that far back, detailing even the specifics of what I told mental health services?
Him: They do, and just like with everything else in life, they WILL be used against you if necessary, or if you try to pull off any stunts or funny business! But that's besides the point, onto the next thing...your family, or more specifically your parents who you apparently still live with and who you were raised by, how do they feel about this depression and suicide stuff? I'm sure it leaves them absolutely devastated! Would you really do that to them? How does the thought of making them feel so empty for the rest of their lives make you feel?
Me: As you probably already know by the files, me and my parents aren't even that close, really. It's a pretty complicated love/hate relationship. I like them a decent amount, but I don't truly love them, and I don't know if I ever have. I don't know if I've ever loved anyone in general, honestly. But overall, to answer the main question, yes, I really would kill myself regardless of how my parents, or even anyone else, feels about it. Other people's opinions mean nothing to me. I'm the one going through my life and suffering. How others feel about my death means nothing, as they don't have a clue what I've actually been through, and once I'm dead I'll never see any of them again anyway.
(Then he just paused and stared at me for a few seconds once again before speaking.)
Him: Uh-huh...so you're basically admitting to being a narcissistic psychopath who has no sympathy or regards towards anyone but your own self. This is a REALLY bad look for you, you know? At this rate you'll be stuck at mental hospitals, locked up forever. I'm incredibly embarrassed for you, as well as extremely disappointed. All I have left to say, really. Anything else you wanna add, or questions you want to ask me?
Me: Uh no, I think we already covered everything we needed to cover.
Him: Good, because I think so too, and the more time I spend talking to you, the further and further my already terrible perception of you continues to crumble. So please, do me a favor, as well as your own self a favor, and get the FUCK out of my office! I probably won't even call you in here myself, as you in specific, as well as others like you, make me extremely uncomfortable! So goodbye ConfusedHurting2632. You are dismissed.
Me: Alright. Bye.
Now that we've reached the end of how the interaction went...like holy shit. I believe it speaks for itself already. I don't believe I even need to dissect it and specifically point out all the worst parts and everything he did wrong. But I will emphasize just one part though. The whole part about the "plan," where I didn't quite understand what he asked and gave an "off topic" answer, and he just kind of blew up on me.
Like holy fucking shit...all because I didn't answer the question in the exact way HE wanted me to answer it! His reaction was completely over the top and unnecessary, even if my answer was indeed off topic to his question.
Since then obviously I got out of the mental hospital. It wasn't even a very long stay, only 7 very painful days. But damn, with the way that doctor was talking to me, it seemed like I was gonna stay there forever! He was borderline committing verbal abuse!
As you can probably guess/tell, this was my WORST mental hospital stay, and I don't ever plan to get hospitalized again, and you guys should probably avoid mental hospitals too. From my experience they are just plainly unhelpful, boring, potentially traumatic, and full of hospital staff members who don't give a shit about their patients. Homelessness or prison MIGHT even be better, but please don't quote me on that. I really am not sure.
Anyways, moving on to the next thing...my visits to the mental hospital have never been anything too pleasant overall, nor were the doctors always nice and understanding, but holy shit was the doctor on my last visit (the 7th stay there) was just disrespectful as fuck and didn't even pretend to give a shit about me.
The doctors before him could be pretty oblivious to certain things and didn't always have the best approach to handling mentally ill patients, but at least they had a modicum of basic respect for me, or at least pretended to. But this one...he didn't care, and was blatant about it.
Luckily I only saw him very few times in my stay, but those few times were SO unpleasant and just left SUCH a horrible impression of him to me, that I didn't forget it, and still remember it to this day. After such a horrible doctor to monitor my stay at the mental hospital, I genuinely NEVER wanna go back there again. Even if I do genuinely feel like ending my life and acting up on it, I won't say anything to therapists or the police that could potentially get me hospitalized again. Heck, on my 8th time, if it were to happen, it's possible an EVEN WORSE doctor might be in his place. So I prefer not to risk it. Plus mental hospitals don't help at all from my experience. I'd rather be almost anywhere else than another mental hospital. I'm starting to think even prison or homelessness might be more pleasant than the mental hospital, but maybe/probably I'm wrong about that one so I can't say for sure.
Anyway, onto the main point of this post...my interaction with this doctor...I'm going to type up the interactions between me and him more or less how they really happened, or at least my memory of how they happened, as obviously my memory isn't perfect. If his age matters, he was around his 50s judging solely by physical appearance and his voice. Basically old enough to be my father, and around the same age as my actual father too. And remember, I'm 21.
So first, obviously I was called into his office to see him. That's where the interaction first began.
Him: Hi, you are ConfusedHurting2632 right? Come on into my office, have a seat!
Me: Yes I am. Thank you.
Him: So I've been looking through all your files and papers as I do with all my patients here, so as you can guess I probably know why you're here, but I still want you to tell me in your own words, please, as it helps me understand you better.
Me: Alright. So basically I've been dealing with mental health issues all my life, but my main, biggest issues are related to depression and suicide. And that's basically what landed me here...and honestly, I don't know if I should be here too long, since my previous 6 mental hospital visits didn't really help me a lot, and if anything seem to have kind of made me worse.
Him: Well first of all Mr. ConfusedHurting2632, we'll keep you in here as long as necessary for recovery, so don't you dare try to tell me or anyone else who works here how to do our jobs! We'll even keep you in here for the rest of your life if we feel it's necessary to keep you from hurting yourself or others. Is that clear?
Me: Yes sir, it's clear, sorry. Although it wasn't my intention to tell you how to do your job, but if it came off that way, sorry again.
Him: Yeah, whatever. Moving on. The files said you have been on 6 medications before, which as you described didn't help you and had negative side effects.
Me: Yes, all of that is exactly correct.
Him: But the thing is, were you actually taking the medications exactly as prescribed, and making efforts besides the medication to improve yourself; or were you not even taking the medication and therefore lying to say you were, and otherwise also making zero effort?
Me: I can assure you sir I was telling the truth and taking them exactly as prescribed and also putting forth my best foot in general. It just didn't work.
Him: Yeah for some reason I don't trust you. If you've been on 6 medications before and none of them worked then something else is going on, and it's probably completely your own fault. Either way though, whether you like it or not, I'll be prescribing 2 new medications for you, and if you refuse to take them by mouth we'll be forced to give them to you through a needle shot, with you strapped down with four point restraints to a bed if necessary. So don't think you can outsmart us or manipulate us when it comes to taking the medications! You'll get them regardless! Whether it's friendly or by force. Whatever manipulative bullshit you pull off on people in the outside world won't work in here!
Me: I understood all of that. I never planned to NOT take whatever medications you prescribed though. So you don't have to worry about that part. As you said, taking them by mouth is the easy, friendly way out of it.
Him: Yeah...you say that now but we'll see if you mean it down the road. Anyway though, about your suicide attempts...what exactly did you do?
Me: Well honestly a bunch of stuff. I tried like tying a plastic bag around my head to die from suffocation. I also tried hanging myself from the doorknob with a belt. I also tried to die by drinking way too much water. I have also tried making superficial cuts on my arms and throat. I also tried swallowing a pointy spiral screw/nail. Like I said, a lot of failed attempts. Maybe even more than I listed.
Him: Alright, got it...a lot of those, if not all of them though, sound extremely attention seeking and I'm not sure you actually want to die, but rather make people pay attention to you to fulfill your narcissistic tendencies. You're extremely mentally ill either way, but there might be something else going on here than what you've convinced others.
Me: Yeah...I don't know, maybe. I'm probably a biased source for that, professionals probably know better than me.
(For this next part, I'm gonna be honest and say I didn't understand EXACTLY what he said, so the very next phrase of his may be kind of wrong/different from what he ACTUALLY said, and my response in real life was also kind of off topic since I didn't properly understand what he said, and then after my "off topic" response he quite angrily chastised me in his next response. I remember and understood more or less the gist of what he actually said, but it was pretty off from 100% understanding. Especially compared to the rest of what I'm describing.)
Him: Regardless of what's actually going in your own screwed up universe, while you stay here at the mental hospital this time, are you gonna try to come up with any plans? Like a plan to try to injure or kill yourself, or to manipulate the staff or even other patients? Like what's your plan overall here? What exactly are you planning to achieve?
(What I took away from what he said here, which again, I didn't even 100% understand in the moment as he said it, and therefore I don't 100% remember it correctly now as I just wrote it; was basically the "plan" part. Which to me meant a plan to get better from the depression and suicidal thoughts. So it's what I responded with. A long, detailed, drawn out response, too.)
Me: So my overall plan here to move past my depression and suicidal thoughts is to basically improve by using baby steps. A gradual process, basically. I know it won't happen overnight. For beginners a regular sleep schedule and routine. Beyond that, a mostly healthy diet and semi-regular exercise that's not too overly strenuous. But that's only the basic stuff. Obviously I gotta replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, or at least neutral thoughts if that's too much for me. Beyond that, new hobbies and activities are a must too. Maybe athletic ones, such as any kind of sport or maybe just going on walks and jogging for a bit. Getting a job or going to college may also help me be more productive. Arguably the most important though, socialization. New friends and acquaintances. People to hang out with and not feel so lonely. Most exciting though...maybe even meet a nice girl. A really sweet and affectionate one with super soft skin who loves to cuddle with me. Surely a girl like that will help me feel better and less suicidal compared to how I was before...but yeah. That's my plan on how to get better! Hahaha.
(I did a little awkward laugh at the end of that "speech" as you can probably tell with the "haha." Then he just stared at me in silence for a few seconds after I finished speaking, looking at me with a puzzled expression as if I had grown a second head or something. His next response was when the EXTREMELY rude part came in. Even worse compared to what you've already been reading.)
Him: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you out of your mind?! Why the fuck are you even telling me all this?! I haven't even gotten to that question yet for Christ's sake! You literally didn't even answer the question I actually asked you, and instead just answered another completely random, unrelated question that doesn't have anything to do with it! What kind of person even does that?! You are absolutely not normal and need serious help, like holy fucking shit!
Me: Okay, I just didn't understand what you said, sorry for the misunderstanding here. Still, I'd appreciate it if you spoke to me in a kinder tone than this.
Him: Kinder? You wanna talk about kind? I didn't interrupt you in your bullshit story about getting better...which, by the way, is the most cliche rubbish I've ever heard about generic advice you probably got somewhere on the internet or from some book...I let you finish your dumb story, despite the fact that you've been eating up my time that I could, and need to be spending with other patients! I've been way more kind to you than you could possibly deserve, while you've just been sitting here attempting to manipulate me the whole time, like you probably do to everyone in your life, including even internet strangers who you send death threats to if they don't buy into your manipulative bullshit!
Me: Wait, the files really go that far back, detailing even the specifics of what I told mental health services?
Him: They do, and just like with everything else in life, they WILL be used against you if necessary, or if you try to pull off any stunts or funny business! But that's besides the point, onto the next thing...your family, or more specifically your parents who you apparently still live with and who you were raised by, how do they feel about this depression and suicide stuff? I'm sure it leaves them absolutely devastated! Would you really do that to them? How does the thought of making them feel so empty for the rest of their lives make you feel?
Me: As you probably already know by the files, me and my parents aren't even that close, really. It's a pretty complicated love/hate relationship. I like them a decent amount, but I don't truly love them, and I don't know if I ever have. I don't know if I've ever loved anyone in general, honestly. But overall, to answer the main question, yes, I really would kill myself regardless of how my parents, or even anyone else, feels about it. Other people's opinions mean nothing to me. I'm the one going through my life and suffering. How others feel about my death means nothing, as they don't have a clue what I've actually been through, and once I'm dead I'll never see any of them again anyway.
(Then he just paused and stared at me for a few seconds once again before speaking.)
Him: Uh-huh...so you're basically admitting to being a narcissistic psychopath who has no sympathy or regards towards anyone but your own self. This is a REALLY bad look for you, you know? At this rate you'll be stuck at mental hospitals, locked up forever. I'm incredibly embarrassed for you, as well as extremely disappointed. All I have left to say, really. Anything else you wanna add, or questions you want to ask me?
Me: Uh no, I think we already covered everything we needed to cover.
Him: Good, because I think so too, and the more time I spend talking to you, the further and further my already terrible perception of you continues to crumble. So please, do me a favor, as well as your own self a favor, and get the FUCK out of my office! I probably won't even call you in here myself, as you in specific, as well as others like you, make me extremely uncomfortable! So goodbye ConfusedHurting2632. You are dismissed.
Me: Alright. Bye.
Now that we've reached the end of how the interaction went...like holy shit. I believe it speaks for itself already. I don't believe I even need to dissect it and specifically point out all the worst parts and everything he did wrong. But I will emphasize just one part though. The whole part about the "plan," where I didn't quite understand what he asked and gave an "off topic" answer, and he just kind of blew up on me.
Like holy fucking shit...all because I didn't answer the question in the exact way HE wanted me to answer it! His reaction was completely over the top and unnecessary, even if my answer was indeed off topic to his question.
Since then obviously I got out of the mental hospital. It wasn't even a very long stay, only 7 very painful days. But damn, with the way that doctor was talking to me, it seemed like I was gonna stay there forever! He was borderline committing verbal abuse!
As you can probably guess/tell, this was my WORST mental hospital stay, and I don't ever plan to get hospitalized again, and you guys should probably avoid mental hospitals too. From my experience they are just plainly unhelpful, boring, potentially traumatic, and full of hospital staff members who don't give a shit about their patients. Homelessness or prison MIGHT even be better, but please don't quote me on that. I really am not sure.
