The Last Person I Fell in Love With Sexually Assaulted Me

[needthebus]

This could be triggering for some

I fell in love with someone and when I found out he was in another relationship, I told the other person.

We stopped talking after, but then he invited me out to a party, we did drugs, and he viciously sexually assaulted me, I still have injuries. I didn't report it right away because I was in denial and in love with him. I still sometimes have pain down there. I wish I were dead. I wish he killed me.

I haven't really fallen in love since then, haven't been in a real relationship since that happened, I've had multiple suicide attempts since then. I think the next suicide attempt will succeed. Third time's the charm, right? No one believes me and I am a joke to people.

I won't see anyone in the mental health industry after involuntary hospitalization. I have flashbacks from the night I was attacked and it's never been treated or diagnosed, since I felt my hospitalization was so coercive, involved so much religious proselytizing of me and ill-treatment of me, and felt like imprisonment so much that I regularly lied to my captors as much as possible, even about trivial things, because I hated them all.

I still think about when I went on dates with this person and when we first met, because there's been no one else since then because I am marred. I still think about us being together. These are passing fleeting thoughts, I hate this person for what was done to me and don't actually want to be with someone so mean. It's just that there's been no one else since then, my body and mind are so damaged after what he did that I don't want to have sex anymore with anyone.

I am just so fucking sad. And I have to work all the damn time. Disability isn't enough for me to live on easily. If disability were enough and mental health professionals were nicer, I would probably choose life, even with all my problems, because there's still stuff I'd like to do. But I can't live if I don't work, and I am so unhappy, and I don't want help from a shitty industry of assholes who will deem me non-compliant if I don't like their rules or lock me up without my consent. I've had my consent taken away enough and don't need more people doing that, so no thanks mental health industry, I'll deal with life alone, or death alone.

When I was involuntarily hospitalized, they treated me so badly and held me so long and if I told them the truth "you are treating me so badly and keeping me so long you are guaranteeing I eventually commit suicide" they would have just kept me longer. I had to pretend to be grateful for how they treated me and happy to have been held there so I could leave after it became clear they kept people longer who lacked "gratitude." I begged to leave and they still held me there so long. I hate them all so much. I hate my captors and in a fair world they would endure extreme suffering. It was so degrading and humiliating.

I hate that I on rare occasion I think about being with him. I just hadn't been in love with many people prior to meeting him. I don't have anyone else I've fallen in love with since then like that to think about like that, and I am thinking about this non-existent person, this nice version of him that never existed and wasn't so mean to me, because I have no one else to envision love with because I don't date at all. It's so fucking pathetic and stupid and everyone is so mean on top of it, these little mean things here and there all the damn time, I just can't function anymore.

With Social Security income, I would get less than 1000 a year. I have debts and some of that income could be taken. I don't have a car. Inflation has made everything so expensive. I also don't have a cheap place to live right now. I don't want to live in a home for mentally ill people with people who are religious and saying prejudiced things about LGBT people because they believe in jebus and unicorns and the bible or whatever. I just want to die. The cheapest places out there are 600 and they are mostly in rural homophobic areas. I don't want to struggle for money the rest of my life and then if I work end up getting kicked off.

I can't even go to anything like a sobriety support group without hearing about "higher power" and yes, you assholes, that is religion and I will not pretend it isn't, and yes, even an atheist higher power meeting is religion and bullshit and I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend there's an invisible higher power that permeates the universe, i'm not going to lie to myself to hope to feel better nor could i, I have enough bullshit in my life without stealth indoctrination and the slippery slope of an illogical brain saying idiotic pleasantries like "there's truth in all religions" when it's the opposite, they are all lies. There's just nothing, all the free support groups are filled with religion and their mendacious tentacles seem to grow like a vine of lies and rot into everything.

I was on Social Security disability before and then started working and the second I started I started working the government demanded so much money. "Oh we really encourage you to work!" and then when I did "You owe us this and that and give us money!" I work so much and am behind on bills and can barely afford to eat. I am stressed at work because bills are unpaid. Dealing with government agencies is a fucking nightmare, long hold times and no empathy at all. I can't deal with it, I already begged them to stop being so aggressive with collecting from me and these assholes do not give a fuck, everyone is just constantly mean to me, no one cares, no one cares I was sexually violated and my life ruined and everyone just wants to pile on the meanness, including the government and the mental health industry, one of which wants me to be a perpetual slave the other which wants me doped up so I twitch and an miserable and will write down I've said "I'm improving" even if I never fucking say that and instead say the meds make me feel sick.

I don't have any friends and don't like my parents who were physically abusive or my unsupportive family who didn't care when my parents were physically abusive and weren't there when I was more vulnerable. This forum is the most real connection I have in my life to anything authentic.

I really hope by next year I am dead. I am terrified of the mental health industry and try to be prepared to kill myself quickly if anyone should try to force me into "treatment." I am done with being a joke, being exploited by a bunch of avaricious charlatans, am done with having a pity party. This world and everyone in it wants me dead so badly, they'll get it probably within a year or two if not sooner. This world is fucking evil with spikes on the ground so homeless can't sleep, rules people can't even sleep in a fucking car, fuck these assholes, everyone always has some bullshit justification for being shitty, just the world is so full of shitty people and I can't fucking take it.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I read everything that you wrote. I'm sorry for all of the suffering you've gone through. This world can be absolutely brutal for some people and it's just unfair. That's the thing, life really is unfair and I hate it. Like you said, there's no god, no higher being. This is it, this is all we get and it really is unfair. I'm sorry for everything you experienced

 

[mistymoo]

Hi, I'm in college and studying mental health. My hope was to one day be a counselor.

Genuinely, with everything in my being I am so fucking sorry that the mental health system has failed you so badly. Being hospitalized against your will sounds all too familiar on here. It makes me want to scream and cry every time I read it.

Our minds love to look back on things with rose coloured glasses to make traumatic incidents less traumatic. It can seperate abusers into 2 separate people to try it's best to make sense of everything. I've personally been there and it fucking sucks. You're not alone in feeling this way.

Would you like some advice/books/tools to try help? I refuse to be like the hospital and force it upon you. You've obviously lost so much autonomy and the right to say no already. You're absolutely allowed to take back your control say no and tell me to fuck off, with no hard feelings on my side.

 

[untothedepths]

fucking hell man this made me tear up. i totally understand what your going through, in and out. i suspect its the USA but i could be wrong, the mental health and even regular health industry here is a fucking JOKE. everything is expensive and there is no care for affordable housing. im in a disgusting position where i have probably severe mental health problems but wouldnt be able to afford the 250$ a month they want. its just not happening. i also dont quality for subsidized health and i cant work because i know with my cancer riddled body there is no way im going to be able to move like these people want me to. if i had access to healthcare, i could get some meds to get myself back on my feet at the very least temporarily but thats not happening. this world is a fucking joke through and through and all that matters is if you have money. im tired of it myself quite frankly.

 

[needthebus]

Would you like some advice/books/tools to try help? I refuse to be like the hospital and force it upon you. You've obviously lost so much autonomy and the right to say no already. You're absolutely allowed to take back your control say no and tell me to fuck off, with no hard feelings on my side.

My level of disgust, rage, and aversion for anyone in the mental health industry is 11 out of 10. Books like that will inevitably be infected with religious magical thinking and will circuitously and self-referentially always promote meaningless "healing" based on support resources, talk therapy, mental health resources, self care, etc, like some snake eating its own tail.

If there had been a prosecution for what was done to me, that would have helped. Some sort of justice or just anything that acknowledged what was stolen from me and did something to recognize that and try to correct some of the harm in an official way would have helped. Talking with some mental health person will not get me back my body that has been marred, including marred by the effects of psychiatric medication that I was forced to take after a suicide attempt, making things exponentially worse, there's nothing someone can say to make me feel better unless I adopt magical thinking which I refuse to do. This idea that just breathing in and letting the breath flow is somehow meaningful and compensates me for the loss of love and normalcy is ridiculous at best and insidious and insulting at worst. I know the "tricks" of the mental health industry and it starts with making a nice meal, exercise, self care, journaling and always slides down into spending money on the mental health industry, religion or vague notions of religion like higher powers, and drugs that make you shake, unable to get off, miserable, and wanting to scream. If it slides lower, they lock you up and you have to pretend to like those things or they won't let you out. "OH I LOVE HIGHER POWERS AND THIS MEDICATION THAT MAKES ME SHAKE IT'S SO SPIRITUAL!" fuck them all, fuck my captors

There's no "better" at this point for me, only death, and I am more at peace with that than pretending otherwise, accepting unhappiness is better than pretending it will get better, and I don't want to read books to try to conform to society's expectations.

I am sure you are very nice and am grateful for your response but it's a resounding fuck no to the books.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I read everything you said and it's so heartbreaking...can't believe the amount of trauma you've gone through, the amount of suffering and complete disregard for your rights is astounding...

Those professionals should pay for what they've done to you, in what world is that mental health care? You were put in a place against your will, shoved down treatment against your will, had to beg to get out and even so you were still kept there. Completely dystopian and disgusting... I hope those people suffer for the crimes they committed against you.

I'm so deeply sorry your life has been so dark and miserable... you're right in not wanting to believe in religion or whatever magic they come up with next, it's a bunch of bs that helps no one and means nothing.

Your words really touched me, I really wish I could come up with a solution that could fix all those problems. You sound so broken and I have no doubt you didn't deserve any of this pain. Life is so unfair...

Huge hugs to you
You're incredibly strong for having survived thus far, that is objectively an incredibly hard life.

 

[mistymoo]

My level of disgust, rage, and aversion for anyone in the mental health industry is 11 out of 10. Books like that will inevitably be infected with religious magical thinking and will circuitously and self-referentially always promote meaningless "healing" based on support resources, talk therapy, mental health resources, self care, etc, like some snake eating its own tail.

If there had been a prosecution for what was done to me, that would have helped. Some sort of justice or just anything that acknowledged what was stolen from me and did something to recognize that and try to correct some of the harm in an official way would have helped. Talking with some mental health person will not get me back my body that has been marred, including marred by the effects of psychiatric medication that I was forced to take after a suicide attempt, making things exponentially worse, there's nothing someone can say to make me feel better unless I adopt magical thinking which I refuse to do. This idea that just breathing in and letting the breath flow is somehow meaningful and compensates me for the loss of love and normalcy is ridiculous at best and insidious and insulting at worst. I know the "tricks" of the mental health industry and it starts with making a nice meal, exercise, self care, journaling and always slides down into spending money on the mental health industry, religion or vague notions of religion like higher powers, and drugs that make you shake, unable to get off, miserable, and wanting to scream. If it slides lower, they lock you up and you have to pretend to like those things or they won't let you out. "OH I LOVE HIGHER POWERS AND THIS MEDICATION THAT MAKES ME SHAKE IT'S SO SPIRITUAL!" fuck them all, fuck my captors

There's no "better" at this point for me, only death, and I am more at peace with that than pretending otherwise, accepting unhappiness is better than pretending it will get better, and I don't want to read books to try to conform to society's expectations.

I am sure you are very nice and am grateful for your response but it's a resounding fuck no to the books.

I hear you loud and clear. I want to deeply apologize for even suggesting I could help. That's not what this website is about. Thank you for being honest with me (and thank you for not being justifiably mean to me.) I understand why we all come to this fourm and 9/10 of us do not want help. I was out of line and I'm sincerely sorry.

I just have to say - I absolutely fucking hate religion and any mental health professional that tries to force it (or spirituality) into their practice imo should loose their license. I'm a lesbian who was forced into religion when I was younger. Its fucked me up beyond belief.

Also fuck America. Royally.

 

[iamanavalanche]

i completely understand you. i was SA'd by my ex boyfriend and one of my old best friends. i clung to them because they were all i had and i still have dreams about being close with them again.

its so heartbreaking to grieve someone who hurt you so badly when you miss the person you thought they were.

youre not alone and i wish you so much peace

 

[needthebus]

I hear you loud and clear. I want to deeply apologize for even suggesting I could help. That's not what this website is about. Thank you for being honest with me (and thank you for not being justifiably mean to me.) I understand why we all come to this fourm and 9/10 of us do not want help. I was out of line and I'm sincerely sorry.

I just have to say - I absolutely fucking hate religion and any mental health professional that tries to force it (or spirituality) into their practice imo should loose their license. I'm a lesbian who was forced into religion when I was younger. Its fucked me up beyond belief.

Also fuck America. Royally.

no, you weren't out of line

any response is appreciated. you were being kind

i just have had terrible experiences with the mental health industry and probably have PTSD level trauma from their forced treatment

it's not you, it's me. don't become part of the 27 club. if you really want to help people and do something with mental health, make the system less horrible

I read everything you said and it's so heartbreaking...can't believe the amount of trauma you've gone through, the amount of suffering and complete disregard for your rights is astounding...

Those professionals should pay for what they've done to you, in what world is that mental health care? You were put in a place against your will, shoved down treatment against your will, had to beg to get out and even so you were still kept there. Completely dystopian and disgusting... I hope those people suffer for the crimes they committed against you.

I'm so deeply sorry your life has been so dark and miserable... you're right in not wanting to believe in religion or whatever magic they come up with next, it's a bunch of bs that helps no one and means nothing.

Your words really touched me, I really wish I could come up with a solution that could fix all those problems. You sound so broken and I have no doubt you didn't deserve any of this pain. Life is so unfair...

Huge hugs to you
You're incredibly strong for having survived thus far, that is objectively an incredibly hard life.

There would be no mechanism to sue them, so many of them were mean to me. I'd have to get diagnosed with PTSD for that experience and try to sue them, and I don't want to waste more time and experience more misery on them, nor would I win. It would all be a learning experience for everyone if that happened, and I'm not interested in that. I'm just out. Not right now, but eventually probably.

There is nothing that they did wrong according to society and conventional thinking, so it's unlikely anything can do be done about it. I'm not really strong for having survived it. If I could had been certain I would die, I probably would have ended it there. I had methods there but didn't know the likelihood of success and the pain level would have been really high.

Can a moderator delete this thread? I am worried there is too much identifying information in this and they will try to use it to lock me up. A few things happened yesterday after I posted it that seemed strange and I am probably just anxious and being irrational, but deleting it will make me worry less. I wish I wasn't always so scared about things and being given forced locked treatment.