Lynx.
Member
- Sep 28, 2022
- 80
In less than twelve hours I have an important medical appointment that I have been waiting for the last few months.
It is very unlikely, but I may or may not get a bad diagnosis about my health.
I cannot help but chuckle at the irony of it all: I want to die, I see life as meaningless and nothingness as something preferable to all this, yet at the same time, I cannot help but sit in bed thinking about the unlikely yet possible scenario in which tomorrow the doctor says that I suffer from oral cancer, in this case.
I suffer from OCD and health anxiety. I hyperfixate on my health: through the years I have suffered from tinnitus, pancreatic cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer, tetanus from self-harming, HIV, uncountable brain tumors, and many other diseases - of course, this was all inside my brain, none of it being actually real - and although now I show a few symptoms, I'm pretty sure that my fears this time will be dismissed by the doctors just as they rightfully were the other times, since I didn't actually have anything other than a few random symptoms and coincidences.
That rationalization doesn't prevent my mind from catastrophizing. I'm currently in self-destruction mode, only writing this post as a way to pass at least a few minutes without imagining diferent scenarios - I only wish to ask for a hug from those around me, but they'd start questioning me and my own sanity, which they'd be right in doing, but would be the last thing I need during this night.
I've managed myself quite well for the last theee months previous to the appointment, and now on the final hours my brain is throwing all the progress away.
I want to die - yet I'm obsessed with life: the contradiction of it all will probably keep me awake this whole night.
If I end up with a serious condition it will probably prompt me into finally take a serious step towards CTB instead of half-assing it and letting SI take over me...
I don't know. At this point I'm just rambling.
Being conscious and having a body sure is agonizing.
It is very unlikely, but I may or may not get a bad diagnosis about my health.
I cannot help but chuckle at the irony of it all: I want to die, I see life as meaningless and nothingness as something preferable to all this, yet at the same time, I cannot help but sit in bed thinking about the unlikely yet possible scenario in which tomorrow the doctor says that I suffer from oral cancer, in this case.
I suffer from OCD and health anxiety. I hyperfixate on my health: through the years I have suffered from tinnitus, pancreatic cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer, tetanus from self-harming, HIV, uncountable brain tumors, and many other diseases - of course, this was all inside my brain, none of it being actually real - and although now I show a few symptoms, I'm pretty sure that my fears this time will be dismissed by the doctors just as they rightfully were the other times, since I didn't actually have anything other than a few random symptoms and coincidences.
That rationalization doesn't prevent my mind from catastrophizing. I'm currently in self-destruction mode, only writing this post as a way to pass at least a few minutes without imagining diferent scenarios - I only wish to ask for a hug from those around me, but they'd start questioning me and my own sanity, which they'd be right in doing, but would be the last thing I need during this night.
I've managed myself quite well for the last theee months previous to the appointment, and now on the final hours my brain is throwing all the progress away.
I want to die - yet I'm obsessed with life: the contradiction of it all will probably keep me awake this whole night.
If I end up with a serious condition it will probably prompt me into finally take a serious step towards CTB instead of half-assing it and letting SI take over me...
I don't know. At this point I'm just rambling.
Being conscious and having a body sure is agonizing.
