The Hunger Games

[Giraffey]

It's day one of my restarted hunger strike, I had to abandon the last attempt on medical grounds; such is the nuisance of this pandemic. So far, as expected, I'm suffering badly with the cravings and thoughts of food, but I find that setting myself goals hour by hour and reminding myself of why I'm doing this gives me a boost of strength to power on through. One of the interesting observations I made last time that has again held true is that I don't feel hungry at this early stage, it's more of a logical thought-process telling me that I should eat.

I'm not consuming any calories, only water and a vitamin B1 supplement, so this isn't a pure hunger strike in the truest sense, but I'm also not taking calories such as honey or milk, as many partial hunger-strikers do. I should also point out that I'm receiving medical advice and support from a trusted doctor friend, but I won't be receiving any pain relief. It's not my intention to die as a result of this feat, but I am mentally prepared to do so if necessary, I believe that my family will find it easier to process my death if it is for a cause they can continue to champion after I'm gone.

So far then, I have nothing particularly interesting to report, but I've opened this thread so I can post updates as I go along.

Thanks again all for the support expressed in public and in private, I know we are all strangers but you're still my dear friends.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I was wondering what was going on with this adventure of yours. Thanks for the update.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Why are you on a hunger strike?

 

[Giraffey]

I was wondering what was going on with this adventure of yours. Thanks for the update.

Thanks, buddy, it was frustrating to have to abandon the first attempt, but it was the rational thing to do. I've taken precautions this time to make sure I don't face the same problem.

Why are you on a hunger strike?

In essence, my ex-partner was very abusive; I've written about that extensively in other threads. I finally plucked up the courage to report her only to find that I was not entitled to any support, or indeed, recognition as a victim. So I'm embarking on this hunger strike in order to fight to gain legal recognition as a victim and to fight against certain policies that mean mostly male victims of domestic abuse are often not recognised as victims and are denied the support they need.

I've so far been offered a limited amount of support but not the recognition which would enable me to begin to process things and move on. It's a little more complicated than that, but that's the general principle I'm battling against.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Shouldn't this be in suicide discussion? This is technically self-harm and could end up in death. I know some folks who hang out in the recovery forum ignore the suicide discussion forum for their emotional well-being, and this is bringing self-harm and suicide to their safe space.

Not trying to shame you, @SlowMo! Just thinking how I would feel if I were limited to the small recovery forum and came across this thread.

 

[Giraffey]

Shouldn't this be in suicide discussion? This is technically self-harm and could end up in death. I know some folks who hang out in the recovery forum ignore the suicide discussion forum for their emotional well-being, and this is bringing self-harm and suicide to their safe space.

Not trying to shame you, @SlowMo! Just thinking how I would feel if I were limited to the small recovery forum and came across this thread.

I considered putting it in Suicide Discussion, but I decided against it as whilst my actions are an act of self-aggression my motivation behind the strike is to effect the necessary change to enable my recovery. To me, this is a bold and positive action. But I take your point @GoodPersonEffed, it's a point well-made. Perhaps this particular thread should find itself in Suicide Discussion whereas threads dealing with my motivation and the relation to recovery would be better placed here.

I guess it's not for me to decide, but I'm more than happy for it to be moved if appropriate.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's such a bold move. Incredibly brave. Can't say I think it's a wise move, but hey, I don't understand your circumstances and it's your choice.
I've started the long road that is starvation once before, not by choice really (complicated) and not completely, just a drastic reduction in calories. I remember how it felt and that would have been nothing compared to what you are doing.
I think the important thing is that you have medical advice and support.
I really hope you get the desired outcome without having to suffer too much. I also hope that you don't have to test your resolve; mental preparation is quite different to actually taking the process further along.
Good luck, keep us updated.
And I'm one of those people who stays out of the main forum for my own mental health. Personally, I don't mind the thread being here, TBH I'm not sure quite where it belongs.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

I am very interested in the physical symptoms you're experiencing. Furthermore, how much liquids are you consuming daily? If you would be so kind as to indulge me

 

[CuddleHug]

I'm not going to say whether I agree or not here since I don't know the full story, but for better or worse I do have a piece of advice that might help you. Speaking from personal experience.

Whenever you are feeling hungry or craving food in the moment, drink a full glass of water and wait 15 minutes. Most of the time, that will take care of the hunger and make it easier to forget about it. Overall, drinking a lot is very, very important.

Please do take care and don't overdo it. Know your limits and listen to your body.

 

[Giraffey]

@Underscore - Thank you for the kind words of support, and for your candidness, a much-undervalued commodity. I agree that this endeavour is not without risks, but one of the reasons I placed this in the recovery section is that my journey is also a spiritual one. I believe that I have reached a stalemate in the circumstances of my life, this journey for me is as much about reconnecting with my inner-strength as it is about exerting pressure on the relevant authorities to force a better hand. In many ways, it is a brutal journey, yet I am already battle-hardened with the scars to attest.

@MichaelNomad123 - I'm drinking at least 1.5 litres of water per day, averaging around 2 litres, and keeping track of this by using 500ml bottled water; I add a teaspoon of table salt to my first bottle of water of the day. So far, the side-effects have been what you might expect; minor stomach pain; tiredness; feeling weak, the cravings and feeling of hunger are beginning to disappear but they were particularly intrusive around day two and at the beginning of day three. I'll keep this thread updated anyway.

@CuddleHug - Thank you for the advice, funnily enough, I have already been doing this. I've also been coping with the cravings with a simple meditation and by visualisation, imagining the physical feeling of eating the food I'm craving, the taste, the smell, the texture and mouthfeel etc. It increases my feeling of hunger and gives me a mouthful of saliva but counterintuitively reduces my actual psychological or emotional craving for the food. I'm prepared for the physical and psychological effects of the fast and I've agreed to passive medical supervision in order to help inform my decision-making. I also have a relevant advanced directive in place in case I develop neurological complications or convert to death fasting, so I have a plan in place for the endgame in whatever form that may take.

You know, I may be physically struggling but psychologically this is the most positive I have felt in many months, I feel as though this is the ultimate act of taking back control of my life, and steering the reins of my future. I have been living a life of fear courtesy of my ex-partner, I have no doubt that she would try to find me and kill me if it benefited her.

Now I am fighting, I feel the chains and shackles loosening, this is my escape, freedom beckons.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I believe that I have reached a stalemate in the circumstances of my life, this journey for me is as much about reconnecting with my inner-strength as it is about exerting pressure on the relevant authorities to force a better hand. In many ways, it is a brutal journey, yet I am already battle-hardened with the scars to attest.

I can't say that I fully understand of course, but I know that I had to be broken down to nothing before I found any strength in me to wrestle back some of my life instead of relying completely on others.
I really hope you get what you need and don't have to be in a position where you feel you must continue with the fast.

 

[Giraffey]

I can't say that I fully understand of course, but I know that I had to be broken down to nothing before I found any strength in me to wrestle back some of my life instead of relying completely on others.
I really hope you get what you need and don't have to be in a position where you feel you must continue with the fast.

In essence, there are certain policies held by certain authorities that my abusive ex has exploited and continues to exploit in order to continue her abuse of me remotely, and I hope that by going on hunger-strike I can bring the relevant authorities to the negotiating table long enough to make my case and force a re-think which would pave the path towards a partial recovery for me, perhaps enough of a decrease in pain that I might cope. One such policy meant that despite her stalking me and being reprimanded by police, I was not recognised as a victim and therefore not entitled to any support. There are other consequences that stem from that policy and bleed into so many areas of my life.

But also, as you describe yourself, the process of enduring the pain and forcing myself to battle my own internal demons is in itself cathartic. As a therapist myself, I've been adept at fighting my own fires, coping, but now it's time to face up and confront the firestarter - it may not be the most conventional way, but this fight, this is my way.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

it may not be the most conventional way

It's certainly not! But it's kind of like trying to turn a weakness into a strength in order to try and change the rules off battle I guess.

 

[Giraffey]

It's certainly not! But it's kind of like trying to turn a weakness into a strength in order to try and change the rules off battle I guess.

That's a great description. I actually devised the plan months ago as a contingency; it was going to be a method of suicide that I could either use if I was incarcerated on false charges, a constant threat with my ex; or as a more 'socially acceptable' method of suicide, dying for a just cause. But ultimately I returned to the plan with a preparedness to die, but no will or intention - a genuine attempt to mould a bearable future for myself.

 

[Giraffey]

It's day 15 and I've been really struggling for the last couple of days. My sense of thirst has started to disappear and so I've resorted to drinking at scheduled times and counting empty water bottles to keep track. I don't feel as weak as I expected to, I can still get up and walk around, but at a slower pace than usual - otherwise, I feel dizzy and faint. The most bothersome symptom began a couple of days ago, persistent, sharp pain on the left side of my chest. It's made sleeping difficult, and so at nearly 3 AM here, I'm still awake and writing up notes for an upcoming lecture I'm to deliver.

The early hunger pangs I had disappeared quite quickly as ketosis set in but I still craved food in an emotional sense, that took longer to disappear and I'm not even sure when exactly it did. My mood is fluctuating situationally between highs and lows, the decreased serotonin makes the low points really tough; it's not depression but increased feelings of inwardly directed anger, I feel angry at myself, for having allowed someone to put me in this position; having to subject myself to this. Thankfully, my cognition appears to be intact.

I'd hoped to have made more progress in negotiations this week; more progress towards something resembling a path towards recovery, I guess the panjandrums had other ideas. A little progress has been made, the atmosphere is pleasant and constructive and they have expressed genuine understanding and concern; there is a degree of disbelief that the conventional channels of protest have failed, and that I have thus been forced to resort to an extreme.

So, perhaps, for the first time in a number of months, there is a glimmer of hope; a flicker of change; a reason to push on, a chance to repair a part of my life.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Wow I really admire your courage. You should be proud for standing up for yourself. I truly hope you get the outcome you're looking for.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

they have expressed genuine understanding and concern; there is a degree of disbelief that the conventional channels of protest have failed, and that I have thus been forced to resort to an extreme.

So, perhaps, for the first time in a number of months, there is a glimmer of hope; a flicker of change; a reason to push on, a chance to repair a part of my life.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's day 15 and I've been really struggling for the last couple of days. My sense of thirst has started to disappear and so I've resorted to drinking at scheduled times and counting empty water bottles to keep track. I don't feel as weak as I expected to, I can still get up and walk around, but at a slower pace than usual - otherwise, I feel dizzy and faint. The most bothersome symptom began a couple of days ago, persistent, sharp pain on the left side of my chest. It's made sleeping difficult, and so at nearly 3 AM here, I'm still awake and writing up notes for an upcoming lecture I'm to deliver.

The early hunger pangs I had disappeared quite quickly as ketosis set in but I still craved food in an emotional sense, that took longer to disappear and I'm not even sure when exactly it did. My mood is fluctuating situationally between highs and lows, the decreased serotonin makes the low points really tough; it's not depression but increased feelings of inwardly directed anger, I feel angry at myself, for having allowed someone to put me in this position; having to subject myself to this. Thankfully, my cognition appears to be intact.

I'd hoped to have made more progress in negotiations this week; more progress towards something resembling a path towards recovery, I guess the panjandrums had other ideas. A little progress has been made, the atmosphere is pleasant and constructive and they have expressed genuine understanding and concern; there is a degree of disbelief that the conventional channels of protest have failed, and that I have thus been forced to resort to an extreme.

So, perhaps, for the first time in a number of months, there is a glimmer of hope; a flicker of change; a reason to push on, a chance to repair a part of my life.

I really hope this is progress @SlowMo , I really do.

NB: I had to look up what panjandrums are. I learned something new!